The British Airways captain turned his New York bound 747 jet back to London this morning one hour after take-off, after fearing that the letters 'SOB' on a sick bag stood for semtex on board — a high explosive used by international terrorists.

Minutes after the jet touched down at London's Heathrow airport, twenty-seven heavily armed soldiers from Britain's crack Special Air Service regiment (SAS) swarmed on board and tanks and missile launchers rapidly took up position around the airplane. But it quickly emerged that British Airways cabin crews often use 'SOB' to denote "Slut on board" when referring to highly attractive female passengers who are carrying sex toys in their hand luggage. The red-faced culprit on this occasion was twenty-six-year-old attorney Jennifer Haze from New York who had no less than three electric vibrators, an assortment of butt-plugs, two pairs of handcuffs and a riding crop in her flight bag.

"It's a joke between flight attendants," steward, Matt Freitag (34) told Utterpants sheepishly. "Our new security scanners pick up the radiation from electric dildos, and we write 'SOB' on the passenger's sick bag so the guys can watch them on the security monitor when they go to the john. "
"You have security cameras in the toilets?" our reporter asked, hurridly crossing her legs and blushing furiously.
"It's standard practise now on all transatlantic flights," replied Mr Freitag with a smirk, adding he had never known SOB to mean "Semtex on board".

A red-faced spokestypeperson for British Airways told us it was highly unlikely the letters were written on the bag by a flight attendant. "It could have been the woman herself; people do write on sick bags, you know," he added defensively.
We put this point to Ms Haze, but she rapidly became abusive, and we were forced to terminate the interview when she threatened to forcibly insert one of her sextoys into our reporter's bottom.

Industry experts estimate the scare has cost British Airways approximately £676,743, but most agree the captain did the right thing. Civil Aviation analyst Wilbur Wright said the cost of disrupted schedules, extra fuel, hotel bills and possible compensation payouts would be 'massive', adding grimly: "not to mention the crippling lawsuit Ms Haze is bringing for sexual harrassment and proactive voyeurism."

All attempts to find the person responsible for writing on the sick bag have so far proved unsuccessful.

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