The 176 passengers on the Boeing 747 were hugely entertained when the feet of the thirty-two-year-old Halal butcher from Haifa flew over their heads, causing one of the US security advisors to remark: "Looks like one suicide bomber aint gonna be gettin' his leg over no virgins in paradise, folks."
Repeated pleas by the sheepish terrorist for a doctor were met by riotous laughter during the five-hour flight from London to New York.

Randy Cotolo, a passenger on the plane, which left Heathrow for New York late yesterday afternoon, told Utterpants: "About midway into the journey, this Islamaist punk stood up and demanded the attention of the passengers and crew, and yelled 'Death to the Western Satan', and then pulled out a lighter—which struck me as kinda funny as them Muslims don't usually smoke."

The crew were powerless to calm the hysterical passengers as Abu Fatwah bent down to light the detonators in each of his patent leather shoes. For five agonising seconds, the fuses fizzed slowly towards the explosives, and passengers could only look on in frozen horror as the terrorist kept the crew at bay with a plastic knife and fork. Then, with what passengers described as 'a muffled bang'—and the pilot as 'a fart in a cocoa tin'—disaster struck the would-be shoe bomber as his feet were ripped from his ankles and sent hurtling to separate ends of the plane.

Shock quickly gave way to derisory laughter as the passengers discovered the cause of Abu Fatwah's failure to consign them all to a premature grave. Captain Fanshawe, the forty-eight-year-old British pilot of the plane, explained: "He was too clever for his own good."
"How do you mean?" we asked.
"In an effort to blend in with the other passengers he chose to wear patent leather gentleman's brogues. Those things are built like a tank. The explosive couldn't blast through the shoes, so it took the line of least resistance, and blew his bloody feet off!"

The would-be terrorist was taunted mercilessly for the rest of the journey but during the last half-hour of the flight, one American woman took pity on the weeping wreck. "He was crying so bad, I felt really sorry for him," said Jessica Leiberwitz, (34). I tried to cheer him up or at least make him smile. I even offered to give him head, but the ungrateful shower of shit said it was against his friggin' religion."

Security staff in New York quickly whisked the now four-foot-six-short terrorist into custody where he is expected to stand trial later this month. A man in a dark suit and sunglasses who may have been connected with the CIA confirmed us that the reason for the failed attack was Abu Fatwa's unfortunate choice of footwear. "Had he worn Nikes he would have blown that plane outta the sky. He packed two pounds of semtex into those suckers and there's hardly a mark on them—which is more'n I can say for his legs."
"So why didn't the stupid sod wear trainers like every other terrorist?" we asked him.

"We found a copy of Hello magazine in his flight bag. The front-page article was about how no British gentleman would be seen dead in a pair of Nikes. I guess he thought he'd stand out a mile if he wore trainers on a plane full of businessmen in suits. Those shoes saved his life."
"It's just as well he didn't wear a bowler hat, then," we commented.
"How do you mean?"
"He would have blown his fucking head off."

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say

Story © 2004 Barry Subchimp. Design and picture © 2004 utterpants.co.uk /060206