When Rita Millingham ended a seven-year relationship with Rich Sadler a month ago, her reasons were only too familiar to most women who break up with their boyfriends. He was a lazy, inconsiderate, selfish sod who thought foreplay meant unzipping her jeans. There was no chemistry in their love life; they often argued about in-laws and money, she wanted kids but he was happy with just a dog. But the cut that finally snapped Rita's knicker elastic was when she found Rich’s porn stash. "I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor under the dining table as usual," the shaken chiropodist, 27, confided to Utterpants, "when I discovered a loose floorboard. The bastard had hidden a stack of porn magazines full of naked women with bigger boobs than mine right under where I serve dinner—dinner, I might add, that I slave over and serve every night promptly at seven!"

After this embarrassing discovery, all hell broke loose. “Rita just went crazy," recounted Rich, 32. "All of a sudden, she’s got these gunked up pages pressed up to her nose and she’s accusing me of having an affair with Miss Nude November, even though I swore blind I was still doing Miss Anal August at the time. Next thing I know, She’s digging through my wardrobe upstairs, tossing my wank socks into the street. She even chucked Cassandra out of the bedroom window,” he added, choking back his tears.

'Cassandra', as we discovered after much probing, is Rich’s blow up sex doll. Although the busty blonde bombshell was deflated at the time and unharmed in her second story fall, a crestfallen Rich immediately rushed out of the house to give his pneumatic lover mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. “Rita slammed the door in my face,” the unemployed welder confided to Utterpants ruefully. “So I tucked Cassandra under my arm and was going to take her across the lake until I realized my boat keys were still in my overalls in the bedroom. So I made Cassie as comfy as I could in the boat and headed back to the house. Rita was angrier than a hornet with a crooked stinger when I came through the door. She ended up chasing me to my pickup with the cast iron frying pan I bought her last year for her birthday and then threw Miss Nude November at me. So I grabbed the magazine and drove to a hotel instead, stopping off on the way to pick up a box of Kleenex and a case of beer.”

With no other means of transportation, Rita crammed all her belongings into six bulging suitcases the next morning and dragged them into Rich’s twelve foot fishing boat, determined to put as much distance between herself and her boyfriend's plastic lover, as possible. Plucking the boat keys from Rich's smelly overalls she started the engine. Little did she know that her inflatable enemy was tucked away in the bow of the boat under a blanket.
“I was halfway across the lake when I noticed the boat slowing down,” she told us brokenly. “At first I figured that my tightwad ex-boyfriend hadn’t put enough gas in the tank—then it dawned on me that it was the weight of all my suitcases that was sinking the boat.”

Not knowing how to swim, Rita panicked and started tossing her suitcases overboard, but shifting so much weight so quickly caused the boat to capsize and she was soon sinking in her ex-boyfriend's favourite fishing spot.

“I thought I was going to die,” she continued, choking back her tears. “I saw the boat completely disappear and my luggage floating all around me, but couldn’t reach it. The only thing I could grab onto was Rich's disgusting blow up sex doll; God knows where that came from. While I flapped my arms and legs frantically, trying not to drown, I blew her up. She’s actually very pretty in a synthetic, slutty kinda way.”

When a helicopter rescue crew arrived at the scene, they found a very irate Rita, in the middle of the lake with her arms wrapped around Cassandra. “Come quick, She’s losing air! Bring lubricant!” the distressed Rita is reported to have screamed hysterically.

“Our best guess is that a fishing lure penetrated the sex doll,” Pilot Charles Knox, the senior officer at the scene, told Utterpants: “I sent down my fittest crewman to help the struggling woman and approximately 17 minutes later, we pulled him back into the chopper with a flaccid woman under one arm and Ms Millingham under the other.

Doctors later reported that 'Cassandra' seemed deflated by her ordeal and had sustained a minor injury to her left buttock. Ms Millingham was said to be 'exhausted' but otherwise unhurt.

Rita, 34-28-36, has since patched things up with Rich Sadler, who patched up things with Cassandra with the aid of a bicycle repair kit. The two reconciled lovebirds plan to marry next spring.
“Cassie saved my life,” the future Mrs Sadler admitted with a blush. “To show my gratitude, I’ve asked her to be my bridesmaid.”
A joyful Rich put his arm around Rita's waist and gave Cassandra's enormous breasts a playful squeeze. “The honeymoon’s gonna be a blast!” He added delightedly.

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Story © 2004 Jennifer Gardner. Picture & design © 2004 utterpants.co.uk / 101104 A111205