US cheerleaders sue Red Bull Cheerleaders sue Red Bull

By our chick in chambers,
Miranda S Givings

Twenty-seven US cheerleaders have lodged a class action suit against Red Bull, claiming the popular pop made them pregnant

Not content with suing the pants off each other for wearing the same dress to the prom, or running over a Prada handbag with an SUV, the litigious daughters of America have lodged a class action suit against the Austrian manufacturer of Red Bull, after twenty-seven cheerleaders from Texas complained the popular pop made them pregnant.

Red Bull is already under investigation in Essex — or some other postage-stamp sized English county no American has ever heard of — after hundreds of young women acquired unexpected love-bundles after knocking back cans of the energy drink at an all night rave in Romford earlier this year.

The Essex girls all became pregnant after collapsing on the dance floor. One distraught mother-to-be, who asked to remain anonymous, but insisted we call her 'Sharon', told us her legs just gave way without any warning. "The next thing I knew I was lying on me back in the car park wivout me knickers." Six weeks later she discovered she was pregnant. But unlike their American counterparts the plucky British lasses are sanguine about their condition. As 'Sharon' (19¼) explained over a Macchiato and Bacardi Breezer: "If I make a fuss they'll only cut me benefit and give the flat to some stupid tart"
"Benefit?" we asked.

"Yeah," she replied with a pout, crossing her tanned legs and flicking back a strand of blond hair. "£198.74 a week aint to be sneezed at. Then there's all the extra dosh for maternity clothes, and the groovy flat. It's even got satellite telly and a whirlpool bath. It's dead kewl. Why would I wanna throw all that away on the off chance of sticking it to some faceless Austrian bloody drinks company?"

Why indeed. We put this very question to the attorney acting for the twenty-seven cheerleaders from the aptly-named town of Cumby, in Texas.
"The situation is different over here," sniffed the fat American, fidgeting nervously with her purse.
"You mean because it's legal in Texas for a woman to carry a gun in her purse, but not a vibrator?" we asked.
"No!" replied the lawyer, hurriedly snapping shut her purse with a strangled cry. "Because we don't get your free, friggin' welfare. These kids have had their lives ruined by Red Bull and we're gonna go after the criminals who make the stuff for every cent they've got."

"Don't you think that alcohol might have played a part in these girls getting pregnant?" we asked her.
"Excuse me?" she retorted defensively. "Millions of American girls have a few beers on Prom night and they don't get pregnant."
So what's in Red Bull that made these cheerleaders pregnant?"
"Taurine — a powerful amino acid known to neutralize sperm."
"So why aren't other women getting pregnant from drinking this stuff?"
"Maybe they don't eat cheeseburgers."
"Cheeseburgers?" we asked.
"The girls from Cumby all had a cheeseburger with their Red Bull after the Prom."
"What's that got to with it?"
"Jeez, you Brits are dumb," snapped the attorney. "The contraceptive properties of Tuarine are only triggered when it reacts with cheese to produce antibodies that attack sperm."

"Does that mean you'll be going after McDonald's next?"
"You bet!" retorted the woman, rubbing her hands together. "I have the papers right here. You wanna see them?"
"Maybe later," we replied.

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© 2004 utterpants.co.uk

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