A 10’ 6” tall, American javelin thrower with the unfortunate name of Boris Tchaikovsky who is under suspicion of using the undetectable human growth hormone, HGH, shattered the world record at the games today by tossing his missile three times as far as the old mark of 95 metres. Unfortunately, his feat had unforeseen consequences for Horace Grimethorpe, a visitor from the English seaside town of Grimsby.

Mr Grimethorpe (29½), was enjoying an al-fresco meal just outside the Olympic stadium at the Café Thessaloniki, when, from out of nowhere, the silver spear hurled by the artificial American giant flew over the top of the stadium wall, wafted toward the restaurant and ended any hope Mr Grimethorpe may have had of parenthood by securely pinning him to his chair by the crotch of his speedos.

Horace’s attractive twenty-two-year old wife, Doris, was so taken aback by the sudden whoosh of the approaching missile — or possibly the loss of her husband's lunchbox — that she dropped her garlic bread into her hummus and fainted. Waiters rushed to the couple's assistance and revived Doris by administering a sharp slap to her pert bottom. “We paid 5000 pounds for this trip!" shrieked the hysterical chiropodist when she had recovered her wits. "Then they stung us 300 Drachmas for this greasy foreign muck and we haven’t even seen an event yet. I told Horace it was a mistake to wear his speedos so near the stadium."

The restaurant’s management apologised profusely for the inconvenience, offering to waive the cost of the coffee and half of the strawberries and cream which Horace had already eaten. Although a thorough search was immediately instigated for Horace's missing manhood, it is thought it was catapulted into a nearby Halal butcher's shop, where it proved impossible to locate among the barbecued kebabs.

Horrified shopkeepers, nervous about the effect on their bottom line by a potential mass exodus of panicking visitors, formed a posse and headed for the stadium. As one disgruntled hotelier put it: "We're well gutted. We'd expected any bloodshed at the games to be down to them Al-Qaeda geezers and not the athletes, innit!"

On seeing an angry crowd of 200-300 people approaching and vowing revenge for the emasculation of an innocent diner, the Greek army, assuming it was a terrorist attack, opened fire on the mob immediately killing at least 50 and injuring a further 100.

Osama bin Laden, commenting on the incident in a statement broadcast by the Al-Jizz news agency is alleged to have said, 'Allah al Akhbar' — or possibly 'shit happens', we're not sure which, as the Saudi-Arabian businessman was incoherent with joy at the time.

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say.

Story © Robert Carey. Picture and construction © 2004 utterpants.co.uk