Bush Launches Air Strikes against Iran
|The impartial Arabic news agency, Al Jizz reported earlier today that US President and acclaimed humanitarian, George W Bush, had authorised air strikes against 'strategic targets of military importance' in Iran|
The news was greeted with huge sighs of relief by arms manufacturers across America still reeling from the shock of discovering that Iran was planning to develop what the President has denounced as 'a nuclur culpability of terrifying proportionaries.' The residents of Mashhad—Iran's second largest city, were less delighted when they awoke early this morning to the sound of US warplanes strafing the 9th Century tomb of Imam Reza—the country's holiest shrine.
"It is the will of Bush," he sighed philosophically as another missile demolished the local hospital, sparing the overworked surgeons the thankless task of saving the lives of a few thousand babies who would almost certainly have died horribly painful deaths once the President's economic sanctions had begun to bite. "The shrine was a hopelessly outdated reminder of our backward and repressive culture," he continued mournfully. Now at least we can look forward to a clapboard Baptist chapel, or even a marble Mormon Tabernacle!"
His attitude was echoed in Tehran, where we found one jubilant Mullah exhorting the people to 'embrace the Infidel Overlord of the Earth' — or possibly bend over backwards and let him park the Presidential pork between their cheeks.
White House observers who had the temerity to suggest that a couple of ex-Russian warheads and two dozen canisters of depleted uranium (left over from the US invasion of Iraq), were hardly grounds for launching air strikes against a sovereign nation that posed no threat to the United States were roundly condemned by George Bush.
At this point a journalist raised his hand timidly from the back row. "Mr President..." he began hesitantly, "Are you telling us that you have not authorised air strikes against Iran?"
"What about the reports of explosions in Mashad and Tehran?" interrupted another journalist.
© 2006 Robert Carey. Illustration & design © utterpants.co.uk / 260106