Production has already begun on the new programme—tentatively titled 'Pope Idol'—or possibly 'Last Pontiff Standing,' and will begin filming when the Conclave of 117 Cardinals meets for the first time later this week.

Highlights of each day’s meeting will be distilled down to thirty-eight minutes, allowing Fox to air each programme the following day during prime time, in a one hour time slot with twenty-two minutes of commercials, while the BBC has announced it will air a forty minute programme with no interruptions. Not to be outdone, humanitarian philanthropist, Rupert Murdoch, has pledged to devote ninety minutes of prime time Sky TV to the new show, promising that at least 26% of contestants would be 'well-fit thirty-something nuns' dressed in 'skimpy, figure-hugging habits.'

Pat Boone will host the Fox programme in one last desperate attempt to revive his flagging career before he sucks on the barrel of a .45, whilst the so-called judges will be two 'B-list celebrities' no one has ever heard of and some washed-up pop tart from the 90s. “We’re really hoping for a Debbie Gibson or a Tiffany,” Fox spokestypeperson Irma Moron, told Utterpants gleefully, “but we’d settle for Britney Spears or even that chick from T’Pau if necessary.”

Candidates for the Papacy will have to meet several stringent requirements to compete for the coveted crown—or in this case a hat that looks like an outsize Christmas novelty table napkin. It goes without saying that the lucky winner must be a devout Roman Catholic who has have never been caught toasting their muffin between the rosy cheeks of a choir boy—or in the case of female contestants—fingering their altar curtains during Evensong. Homosexuals are welcome provided they are already ordained Priests and have not molested any boys during the previous twelve months. All the candidates will be judged on five main categories:

Vigorous waving
Genuflection
Italian politics
How good they look in a Bikini—or, if male, a leather thong
Walking on water

The Conclave has opted to pass on actually picking the new Pope this time, as only three of the 117 Cardinals have ever participated in a Conclave before and two of those voted for a candelabra upon which a passing Bishop had hung his mitre.

Instead, the red-hatted clerics will allow the judges to weed through the initial applicants, narrowing them down to five 'Popefuls' who will then be voted on by the viewers by calling an 800 number—or by sending a text message to their favourite Pontiff. Fox have assured viewers that calls and messages will be charged at no more than a modest $3.00 a minute (£10.00 a minute for British viewers). The funds will be split unequally between the networks and the Catholic Church, which, according to a spokestypeperson we didn't speak to, but whose email account we hacked into, will be used to: 'trick out the Popemobile with an awesome colour changing glass dome and a really wicked set of expensive alloy wheels.' Any money left over will be added to a legal fund to ensure that the 1,793 Catholic Priests currently under investigation for 'slipping the sexton into the sacristy', will get off with a no more than a rap across the knuckles—or possibly their bare bottoms.

The final, two hour special will be transmitted live on the 18th April and repeated again during prime time around the world. One hour and fifty-eight minutes will be filled with biographies of the two top candidates, interviews with their family, friends, ex-lovers and pets, a recap of the competition so far, and at least fifteen commercial breaks for products personally endorsed by the Catholic Church, such as 'Abstinence Nettle Rub' and 'Bush's All-American Anti-Fag Repellant.'

During the last two minutes of the programme it will seem like Pat Boone’s going to announce the winner right after the break, but he will then segues into another time filling tactic before finally tolling the bell of St. Peter and unveiling the lucky winner, who will emerge from a plume of white smoke to the sounds of the Black Eyed Peas’ hit 'Let’s Get It Started.' The new Pope will then be awarded a lucrative sponsorship contract with William Morris—or possibly McDonalds and will be able to enjoy the commission from sales of exciting new products such as 'Popesickles', 'Pope on a Rope' and the soon to be ever popular, 'Chicken Pope Pie' which will be sold for forty-six weeks of the year, to be replaced by 'Mr. Pope’s Fish Sticks' during Lent.

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Story © Dale Petrie 2005. Picture and construction © utterpants.co.uk /060405