With a startling ignorance of the double entendre which is characteristic of many Americans, a leading US networking expert we did not speak to, but who is sure to send us a cease and desist notice for mentioning that she has been cheating on her husband for eight years, said: "I have enjoyed Cox for many years and hope this new Cox-Ucker will perform even better."

Martha Focker, a spokestypeperson for the newly formed, throbbing telecommunications powerhouse told Utterpants: "With the merger of these two media giants over 49% of US citizens will have a huge Cox-Ucker servicing them 24/7, 365 days a year!"
"We thought George Bush already did?" our reporter quipped.
Focker ignored our remark and droned on about building 50-story office blocks in downtown Atlanta by removing existing businesses under the newly revised US 'eminent domain' laws.

"How will you manage that?" we asked.
"Well—the eminent domain laws save the company money," she gushed excitedly, "Instead of having to offer three or four times the market rate to buy businesses out we can simply pay below-market rates and have the government kick them out. Of course, Cox-Ucker will pass the savings along to our consumers."

The new company has already changed its stationery whilst its offshore corporate support centre, in downtown Canton, China, now greets customers with a breezy recorded message that says: 'Thank you for calling Cox-Ucker...your call is valuable to us and a fully-trained Cox-Ucker will be with you shortly.'

A spokestypeperson for Qwest Communications, formerly Cox's biggest competitor, graciously consented to delay their leap from the window ledge of their 28th floor office to sob disconsolately: "We can't compete against this Cox-Ucker. It's the end for Qwest. Could you let the wife and the kiddies know I love them?"

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say

Story © 2006 Jeff Vachon. Picture and design © 2006 utterpants.co.uk / 030306