Mr Bush, who has recently come under heavy fire for neglecting the First Lady in favour of a lovesick peace protestor who has been camped outside his Crawford, Texas ranch for the past six weeks, is alleged to have told reporters he was 'happier than a hog in shit' at the prospect of slipping the Presidential pork to one of the three lovely contestants on the new hit show. Utterpants has spared no expense and left no casting couch unsoiled to bring our readers the full transcript of the show which has captured the imagination of America.

ANNOUNCER: "Stay tuned for the new reality TV hit, 'I Married a Stranger.' On tonight's show we find out if George W Bush will pick one of these three women as his mate: college student Iwan Moore, hair stylist Gimme Alluvit, or social worker Luv Ummall."

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

ANNOUNCER: "First let's find out a little bit about our celebrity marriage candidate. George, what brings you to 'I Married a Stranger?"

BUSH: "Well, Claude, my popularity has been slipping a bit recently and I think I really need to get centrified. Now that I have the War on Terror pretty well licked and we've libertorialized those danged Islamaist insurgentories, I'm developing a whole bunch of new interests—the environment, weapons disarmament, maltreatment of minorities and cheaper gas."

(Audience laughs)

BUSH: "Okay, I'm just joking around. But you know, so much bad has been said about me lately. I hope I can convince your audience that I'm just a regular guy who wants to get laid."

ANNOUNCER: "No!"

(Audience applauds)

BUSH: "Yes, Claude. I'm the kind of guy who believes that each of us needs to give back a little of what we have taken. It's the least America can do for me."

(More audience applause)

BUSH: "So I think it's only just that I should get the ideal wife with whom I can truly share the burdens and opportunitories of the Presidency. Of course, I’ll be keeping Laura and Condi and the dogs. This would be like a recess appointment wife."

(More audience applause)

ANNOUNCER: "Thank you, Mr President for those uplifting words. You're an inspiration to us all. Now, if you'll sit over there next to those two body-doubles we'll talk to our first contestant. Vanna, bring in Iwan Moore."

(Audience applause. Vanna brings in Iwan Moore, wearing a very short, pleated, plaid schoolgirl's skirt, white blouse, men's tie, and blond hair tied in two braids.)

ANNOUNCER: "Honey, to start with I want to be sure I get your name right. How do you pronounce your name?"

IWAN (giggling): "It's Moore, Claude."

ANNOUNCER (laughing): "No, sweetheart, the first name."

IWAN (rubbing her crotch suggestively against Claude's hip, who rests his hand proprietarily on her pert backside): "It's EYE-WHAN, Claude."

ANNOUNCER: "Okay, sweetheart, it says on my card that you're a college student. What are you studying?"

IWAN: "I'm studying the fabrication and stress analysis of carbon fibre parts for the new F-22 stealth fighter, Claude. That's why I figure I'm a natural for Georgie. We have so many interests in common."

ANNOUNCER (gesturing for more applause from the audience): "That's just wonderful, honey. And where do you go to college?

IWAN (mumbling inaudibly): "Lifespear, Claude..."

ANNOUNCER: I didn't catch that, sweetheart. What was that name again?

IWAN (embarrassed): Um..the Life Experience University in Kansas. I'm taking a six-week correspondence course on the Internet. I'll be getting my doctorate just as soon as I've saved up the two thousand dollars for the certificate from my phone se—er, call centre job."

(Audience applause. IWAN sighs with visible relief and flashes a big grin.)

ANNOUNCER (Slipping his hand between her legs which startles her): "That's just wonderful, honey. Now you stand over there in that tub of olive oil and we'll bring in the next contestant. Vanna, bring in Gimme Alluvit."

(Audience applause as GIMME enters. She tosses a mane of dyed, blond hair over her shoulder and one of the straps on her sheer, black dress comes loose, exposing her left breast. She puts her hands up to her face in embarrassment, without making any effort to cover her naked breast.)

GIMME: "Oh no! I knew something terrible would happen. Something always does. Oh, Claude.."

(The ANNOUNCER applauds and winks at the audience, which become almost uncontrollable, yelling, applauding and jumping up and down. An orgy breaks out in the third row and six burly ushers in matching blazers quickly subdue the offending parties by spraying them with small cans of something that causes them to slump to the floor. For a few moments, sexual excitement rises to fever pitch, until the ANNOUNCER spreads his hands and gestures for the audience to sit, which they do quickly. Unfortunately not quickly enough for two young girls in the front row who barely have time to zip up their boyfriend's pants and wipe the cream off their faces before GIMME tugs her garment back into place and secures it effortlessly by retying the strap. The ANNOUNCER pulls her up against him and plunges his hand into the back of her panties. She squeals delightedly and following his lead, reaches across and grabs his crotch.)

ANNOUNCER (grunting): "Uh..that was some—uh—opening, sweetheart."
GIMME: (Massaging his crotch faster) "Aww, you're so cute, Claude."

(Audience applauds wildly)

ANNOUNCER (Coughing self-consciously and moving away): "It says on my—uh—card that you're a hair stylist, Gimme. Do you do your own?

GIMME: "Oh, Claude. You're so silly."

(ANNOUNCER jumps as she grinds her crotch against him and slips her hand into his pants )

GIMME: "I specialize in styling men's hair. I'm really good at making men look commanding, which is why I think I'd be perfect for Mr. Bush. I really, really like his hair. It's so.. like, y'know THERE!"

(GIMME reluctantly withdraws her hand, lifts up her dress to flash her panties and winks at one of the BUSH body-doubles, who gives her a thumbs-up sign. The audience shriek with delight.)

ANNOUNCER: "Okay, sweetheart. If you'll just wait over there in that tub of mud, we'll get to our third and final contestant. Vanna, bring in Luv Ummall."

(Audience applauds. LUV enters wearing a rack dress from K-Mart and sensible shoes.)

ANNOUNCER: "Honey, it says here you're a social worker."

(ANNOUNCER pulls the uncooperative LUV up against him.)

LUV: "Yes, Claude. I'm a crisis intervention expert. I watch for situations where people are in crisis and I intervene and help them get the healing started. And, Claude, please move your hand."

ANNOUNCER: "So give us an idea of what kind of crisis situations you look for."

(LUV squeals as Claude squeezes her buttocks. She stomps on his foot. He yelps and hobbles a few steps away from her.)

LUV: "Thank you, Claude. I intervene in virtually any kind of crisis, which is why I think I'm a perfect match for George. I do terrorism, car wrecks, flight delays, rebates that never arrive, too many items in the one-to-ten line. And lately I've been getting into pre-crisis intervention, which is where we can tell that a crisis is about to happen, so we intercede without waiting, bringing in the full scope of our professional experience. I think George knows what I’m talking about. As we say in my business, let the healing begin!"

(Audience applauds)

ANNOUNCER: "Thank you, dear. Now if you'll join our other two contestants by standing in that tub of ice water, we'll give your future husband a chance to ask questions. And contestants, you know our rules. You must identify the real George W Bush—if you fail, you will be sent back to level two, that's the log-rolling competition with Stan Dalone, our fifty-two-year-old, three hundred pound truck driver who's off on temporary disability from his job and wants to find a woman to share a case of Bud Lite.

Okay, husband candidate number one, do you have a question for one of these lovely contestants?"

BODY-DOUBLE #1: "Yes, Claude. Contestant Gimme, have you ever killed anyone?"

GIMME: "No, sir, I have not. I don't know what you might have been told but they never did find my first husband's penis—and no charges were ever filed against me. But sir, I'd just like to say that I am not opposed to killing when it is appropriate and for the good of others."

(The audience applauds. GIMME’s top drops again, exposing her right breast. She throws up her arms and laughs heartily before slowly covering herself. The audience howls with delight until the ANNOUNCER quiets them with a simple hand gesture.)

ANNOUNCER: "Okay. Husband candidate number two, do you have a question?"

BUSH: "Yes, Claude. Contestant Iwan, are you a virgin?"

IWAN (Flicking back her blond braids and flashing the audience a confident look): "Well, Georgie, if you are Georgie I mean, I know that being with you would be my first REAL experience with a man."

(BUSH grins at the audience, which goes wild as IWAN hitches her skirt up to expose a tantalising glimpse of a sheer, black thong before running her hands slowly up her thighs).

ANNOUNCER: "Wow!"

IWAN (giggling): "And I'd like to add that I've got one of your big campaign photos on the inside of my bathroom door, where I can stare back at those squinty little eyes while I'm sitting on the edge of the bath with my legs wide apart and my electric toothbrush in my hand."

(The audience goes wild with rapturous delight as IWAN pulls her skirt right up and starts to slide her thong slowly down her tanned thighs.)

ANNOUNCER: "And now for our final husband candidate. A question?"

BODY-DOUBLE #2: "Yes. Contestant Luv, have you ever administered a spanking to a grown man?"

(LUV bushes deeply, looks away incredulously and shakes her head.)

LUV: "Well, I must say I'm surprised at that question. I thought you might be a little tougher, Mr. Bush. Maybe we ought to just skip right ahead to leather thongs, spiked dog collars and knee-high boots. I'll just say I can offer whatever you might need in the domination department, baby. Let the healing begin!"

(She raises a clenched fist. The audience erupts into chanting her name: Luv, Luv, Luv! She crosses her arms tightly across her chest and nods affirmatively.)

ANNOUNCER: "Okay, contestants, that's all the time we have this week. Viewers, join us right here next week when we leave our ladies in Tijuana with no identification or money, and challenge each of them to get back into the United States while carrying a pound of cocaine. See you then!"

(The three women, still standing in their tubs, wave goodbye. The two BUSH body-doubles wave until BUSH glares at each of them. They put their hands down. BUSH then waves and smiles. The ANNOUNCER throws kisses to the camera and massages his foot. A fight erupts in the front row of the audience. The ushers, who are passing a joint at the back of the auditorium, point and laugh at three girls who have stripped to their undies and are competing with one another to see who can give the best blow job, but make no effort to intervene. One of them moons to the camera and then collapses when his spray-can accidentally discharges in the face of one of the girls. The other ushers laugh and cough and pound each other on the back. Fade to black.)

To be continued..

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