US to ban public nudity
By our woman with her fingers in America's dirty laundry, Brianna Banks
|Under new a new bill filed recently by Louisiana State Senator Richard D Head, US women wearing 'low slung pants', 'crop tops', or other 'intimate clothing' that exposes bare skin will face fines of up to $50,000, jail sentences of up to 99 years — and possible compulsory military service as Interrogaters in Iraq|
Senator Richard Head has the support of most of the southern States and the backing of the charismatic puritanical clergyman, the unfortunately named Reverend Jackson Pants. The radical republican told Utterpants that he filed the bill because he was tired of catching glimpses of belly buttons and small, furry animals over the lowered belt lines and raised hemlines of teenage girls on the streets of Baton Rouge.
The bill would punish any woman caught wearing a short skirt with a
fine of as much as $90,000 or as many as six months interviewing candidates
for American Idol. The fifty-seven-year-old Senator took time out from
his busy charity work for the Lousiana Young Lesbians Rehab Unit
to talk to us.
When we asked him why the law only targeted women he rounded on our
reporter with a tirade of hysterical abuse against loose women who flaunt
their sexuality in public.
The move was greeted with howls of protest by US mothers and their cheerleading daughters — some of whom went so far as to bare their midriffs at a protest meeting in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. "That jackass has dropped this country back into the dark ages," shrieked Jessica Lopez (no relation), whose sixteen-year-old daughter, Janet (34-23-35), has been suspended by her hair extensions for six weeks for wearing an umbilical ring to school. "They are making our daughters feel like they're cum-slurping sluts when they are really nice girls just like Britney Spears."
"Boys are going to be horn-toads, anyway, whether girls are wearing a crop top or not," said another, anonymous mom, who speaks from experience, having been gang-banged by the Senior Football team at Hoquiam High School in 1972 after one of the quarter backs caught sight of her bare ankle at a practice session.
Leading feminist and founder of Big Beautiful Babes against Bush (BBB&B), Gloria Van Dyke, was steaming over the new proposals. "This is a cheap political trick to distract the attention of the American people away from pictures of our gals being gang-raped by those filthy damned Arabs in Eyewrack."
We think she could have a point.
Story © 2004 Brianna Banks. Pictures and design © 2004 utterpants.co.uk