Senator Richard Head has the support of most of the southern States and the backing of the charismatic puritanical clergyman, the unfortunately named Reverend Jackson Pants. The radical republican told Utterpants that he filed the bill because he was tired of catching glimpses of belly buttons and small, furry animals over the lowered belt lines and raised hemlines of teenage girls on the streets of Baton Rouge.

The bill would punish any woman caught wearing a short skirt with a fine of as much as $90,000 or as many as six months interviewing candidates for American Idol. The fifty-seven-year-old Senator took time out from his busy charity work for the Lousiana Young Lesbians Rehab Unit to talk to us.
"I'm sick and tired of seeing bare flesh on our young women," said the staunch supporter of the puritanical policies of the Reverend Pants, who advocates women should wear the burqa — or the 'Muslim body bag' as one outraged opponent described it.
“The community's disgusted," fulminated the senator when we interviewed him at his home above a popular lap-dancing club in downtown New Orleans. "If parents can't do their job, if parents can't regulate what their children wear, then there should be a law agin it."

When we asked him why the law only targeted women he rounded on our reporter with a tirade of hysterical abuse against loose women who flaunt their sexuality in public.
"Unlike men?" we asked.
"Men don't shake their bootys in public!" stormed the seething senator.
"What about construction workers who expose their buttocks—"
"—That's different!" he interrupted. "They have to wear low slung pants on account of the extra weight they're carrying."
"Extra weight?"
"Tools — and er, um stuff.."

The move was greeted with howls of protest by US mothers and their cheerleading daughters — some of whom went so far as to bare their midriffs at a protest meeting in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. "That jackass has dropped this country back into the dark ages," shrieked Jessica Lopez (no relation), whose sixteen-year-old daughter, Janet (34-23-35), has been suspended by her hair extensions for six weeks for wearing an umbilical ring to school. "They are making our daughters feel like they're cum-slurping sluts when they are really nice girls just like Britney Spears."

"Boys are going to be horn-toads, anyway, whether girls are wearing a crop top or not," said another, anonymous mom, who speaks from experience, having been gang-banged by the Senior Football team at Hoquiam High School in 1972 after one of the quarter backs caught sight of her bare ankle at a practice session.

Leading feminist and founder of Big Beautiful Babes against Bush (BBB&B), Gloria Van Dyke, was steaming over the new proposals. "This is a cheap political trick to distract the attention of the American people away from pictures of our gals being gang-raped by those filthy damned Arabs in Eyewrack."

We think she could have a point.

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Story © 2004 Brianna Banks. Pictures and design © 2004 utterpants.co.uk