"This is a triumph for the moral majority of right-thinking, God-fearing, freedom-loving Americans," commented a fat dude in tight, leather pants who took time out from polishing his boyfriend's gold-plated handcuffs to talk to us. "Gay men have long recognised that heterosexual marriage and the overheated atmosphere of the family are responsible for all the rottenness in American society."

The new bill will be good news for men like Carl Peckerwood, who told us excitedly that the Governor's announcement had given him new hope that he would at last be able to marry his childhood sweetheart, Chastity Bush (32A-23-34).
"How is that?" we asked. "You're a man and she's presumably a woman. Surely the new law will make it illegal for you to marry her?"
"I may look like a guy," said the fifty-two-year-old grocery store clerk proudly, "But I'm really a lesbian trapped in a man's body."
"And your intended?" we asked.
"She's bisexual."
"Well that's all right then," we replied. "But aren't Gay marriages illegal in California?"
"Yeah—that's why we're gonna get hitched in Massachusetts."

We left Mr Peckerwood singing the praises of American democracy and asked a leading local Presbyterian Minister for his take on Governor Schwarzenegger's radical reform.
"If a man and a woman want to live together, let them," thundered the gay, pot-smoking liberal. "I'm not stopping them. But I refuse to sanctify their filthy practices by marrying the sexist preverts in my church!"
"But isn't Governor Swarzenegger straight?" we asked.
"With those muscles and that accent?" snorted the preacher. "You've gotta be kidding. The faggot is as gay as a boat!"

Ms Consuela Gonzales, a spokestypeperson for the California Welfare Service was equally scathing about straight sex marriages.
"Heterosexuals—or sickos, as we prefer to call them, have had it their own way for far too long. It's time the silent majority of decent, law-abiding homosexuals stood up for the American values of decency and morality."
"Are you telling us heterosexual marriages are immoral?" we asked.

"Look—you can't argue with statistics. Roughly 49.725% of straight marriages end in divorce within five years. 79% of those in heterosexual marriages admit to having committed adultery and over 57% say they'd like to if they weren't so damn fat and ugly. Contrast that with gay marriages where 99.95% of the couples we polled were still together after 63 years and only 0.001% admitted to having a little bit on the side—or possibly a hugely empurpled lovestick up the bum. It's the poor kids I feel sorry for."

"Kids?" we asked.
"Have you ever heard of a kid from a broken Gay home?"
"We can't say we have," we replied.
"Well then; the sooner we enact this new law the better," retorted the butch lesbian triumphantly.

When we attempted to contact Governor Schwarzenegger, we were informed that he was addressing the annual Kabbalistic Gay Alien Yoga Convention in Orange County.

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say.

Story © 2004 Brianna Banks. Pictures and design © 2004 utterpants.co.uk