"My fellow Americans," began the respected statesman in a trembling voice, "A terrifying new weapon of unpresentable power and destructive culpability threatens the peace and stability of the Free World. Dark - ah - forces, led by terrorist synthesizers are poised to unleash a tide of terror upon the cities of our great nation not seen since Pearl Johnson invaded Ann Arbor. Some may misconstruct me when I tell you that this threat comes not from our former enemas in the Middle East — but from dark forces in our very midst. My fellow Americans, this new threat has a name: Balrogs."

A stunned silence greeted the announcement, briefly interrupted by a loud oath when the chap in the flat cap dropped his trowel on a journalist's foot. Then shaking hands reached for cellphones — or possibly pocket dictionaries — and a dozen disbelieving voices clamoured to know what the hell 'Balrogs' were.
"Large, shadowy, fire-breathing creatures with enormous bat-like wings first described by the eminent historian and anthropologist, J R R Tolkien," piped up a soft female voice. Heads swiveled to confront the woman, who it was later revealed was none other than the world's foremost authority on mythological fire-breathing creatures with very large bat-like wings, Dr Primula Wunderkind PhD.

The President went on to reveal that a race of these terrifying fiends — each one with the destructive capability of three nuclear bombs — was being bred in the underground laboratories of the Saruman™ Corporation at a secret location somewhere in the American mid-west.
"Only the strenuous efforts of a few brave and desiccated individuals such as Dr Primula Wunderkind stand in the way of a tide of terror such as the Free World of men and rabbits has never known before," he added.

Some cynics have been quick to dismiss the announcement as further proof that President Bush is several chads short of the full vote. Others have speculated that it is a ruse concocted by Dick Cheney to prepare the American people for further acts of terror on their own soil. Yet others are convinced that the whole thing is a sick joke perpetrated by disgruntled Tolkien fans angered by President Bush's refusal to show the 'Return of the King' in Iraq for fear it will inflame demands to return the former King — Saddam Hussein — to power.

Whatever the true facts, one thing is certain, creatures matching the classical description of Balrogs have been seen attacking several small towns in Texas and are thought to be responsible for the recent assaults on US forces in Baghdad.

Dr Wunderkind told Utterpants that the Saruman™ Corporation is on the verge of releasing hundreds of the dread creatures upon an unsuspecting world.
"A truth, for which I fear the American people are wholly unprepared," she added grimly.
"We think you may be right, doctor," we replied.

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Readers who wish to know more about Balrogs are referred to the appendix accompanying this news report.

© 2003 utterpants.co.uk