|Reports have emerged of a large, fire-breathing winged creature seen attacking US soldiers in Baghdad|
Speculation is rife that this may be the semi-mythical 'Balrog', first seen and described by the late professor J. R. R. Tolkien. Colonel William 'Bilbo' Baggins — a spokesman for US Special Forces — dismissed the sightings as a publicity stunt mounted by the Al Kidda news agency in retaliation for the US cancellation of the Iraqi premiere of The Lord of the Rings movie trilogy on the grounds that it was liable 'to incite un-American behaviour'.
"We aint gonna show a movie about some furry-footed midgets from
some friggin' backwater takin' on the world's biggest empire and busting
their ass," commented the irate soldier. His violent opposition
to the popular film trilogy was echoed by a spokesperson from the US
Embassy in Baghdad, who told Utterpants:
Experts are split upon the actual nature of the terrifying beast which is reported to have destroyed several US military installations in Tikrit and Najaf and possibly incinerated twenty-seven Texan marines when it attacked a sergeant's mess in Fallujah, yesterday.
The world's foremost authority on mythological fire-breathing creatures
with very large bat-like wings, Dr Primula Wunderkind, told Utterpants
that from preliminary descriptions, all the evidence points to the creature
being a Balrog, although she added cryptically: "We cannot rule
out the possibility of it being a new weapon of mess destruction."
"In my professional opinion," rumbled the redoubtable old
warhorse, "It is a cheap publicity stunt by that New Zealand film
chappie to revive the flagging sales of his puerile films."
Other sources we consulted are adamant that the creature which has terrorized Baghdad is part of a new and fiendish terror campaign organised by the well-known Saudi terrorist, Ossie ibn Masoud bin Balrocq, to force the US to abandon its humanitarian liberation of Iraq. Dr Primula Wunderkind is convinced that Sir Henry Goteleigh's claims of fraud are a cunning smokescreen to disguise his real agenda which is nothing less than the invasion of America by an army of Balrogs which, in her own words, 'would unleash a vile tide of Balrogism such as has not been seen since the Second Age'.
If fragmentary reports released by Reuters today are to be believed
she could well be right. The respected news agency reported that three
Balrogs were seen over Cactus Junction, New Mexico two days ago. Cactus
Junction is not the only US town to be besieged by these hideous winged
beasts. Balrogs have also been sighted in Cactus Ridge, Cactus Flats,
Cactus Creek and Cactusville.
There you have it. A new and terrifying weapon of mass destruction poised to overthrow the forces of freedom and democracy or a load of old balrogs? One thing is certain; Baghdad has not seen the last of merciless creatures determined to undermine any chance of peace and freedom in this troubled country. Stand by for further news bulletins.
Readers who wish to know more about Balrogs are referred to the appendix accompanying this news report.
© 2003 utterpants.co.uk