Which is why UK Secretary of State for Culture, Tessa Jowell, has issued a stern warning to employers, urging them to make sure their female staff do not injure themselves at office parties by table dancing on desks or photocopying parts of their body. Mrs Jowell, a stunning brunette of indeterminate age who is no stranger to sexual harassment from unscrupulous men wielding whips, implored managers not to put up mistletoe as it is known to incite sexual misconduct and binge drinking, before going on to alert women to the dangers of wearing microskirts and skimpy tops to the Christmas office party.
"If you must hold an office party do keep a close eye on those who drink," she warned ominously. "Lager makes some women lose their knickers. The party will be completely soiled — I mean, spoiled — if it ends up in unwanted pregnancies or a nasty, itchy rash. I'm as full of the Christmas spirit as the next man, er, or woman," added Mrs Jowell, clapping a Santa Claus hat onto her head with an embarrassed giggle. "But the office is not the place to let your hair down, or indeed, your knickers."

Polls show that twelve out of ten British firms agree with Tessa Jowell and will not be holding knees-ups this year for fear of being sued by male staff claiming injury to their genitalia by women hitting back at sexual harassment. The cultured Culture Secretary's warning was greeted with huge sighs of relief by senior managers up and down the country, one of whom took time off from briefing his secretary on what to buy his mistress for Christmas, to talk to utterpants. "It's no joke going to photocopy the annual report for the Chairman," he complained, "only to be confronted with a slimy snail trail. If you must photocopy your bottom please make sure you wipe down the glass to prevent the spread of thrush."

Single mums, already reeling from the strain of funding another credit-card busting shopping spree to provide their nippers with the latest mobile phones and Harry Potter vibrating brooms, welcomed the Culture Secretary's announcement with equal enthusiasm. "Blokes are even more disgusting at this time of year," one anonymous secretary told utterpants indignantly. "Not only do we have to put up with them looking up our skirts when we're putting up the tinsel, but listen to endless, pathetic variations on 'do you like cream on your pudding?"
"Such as?" we asked.
"Did you know that tying a bird's legs together keeps the inside moist?"
"And does it?"
"Fuck off!" snapped the woman angrily.
"Well, we were only asking.." we replied.

A female spokestypeperson from Mrs Jowell's department made it clear to us that if firms wish to avoid calling in the emergency services this year, they should ban dangerous items such as advent candles, holly, Christmas crackers, mistletoe and novelty paper hats from office parties.
"Paper hats?" we asked. "What risk do they pose?"
"A carelessly worn novelty hat can easily slip down over one eye, causing the wearer to fall and impale themselves on a sprig of mistletoe or even holly."
"And candles?"
The woman blushed to the tips of her pretty blond hair and muttered: "I'd rather not say..."

The Ministry have thoughtfully prepared a list of Yuletide innuendoes for employers which it deems 'highly offensive' and recommends that staff caught using them should be severely disciplined — or possibly lightly spanked, trousers down, with a generous sprig of holly.
'Anyone want stuffing?'
'Do you prefer breast or leg?
'Would you like me to light your pudding?'
'Have you seen the size of my Yule Log?'
'Can I fill your stocking, darling?'
'I bet you'd like to pull my cracker?'
'Does Santa slide down your chimney or does he use your back door?'

Utterpants applauds Tessa Jowell's responsible stance and has already instigated her sensible safety precautions in our offices, a decisive move which was greeted with almost unanimous approval by our staff.
"Bloody good job, too!" commented Denim Sue, (34-27-36) peevishly. "It took me over two hours to repair the photocopier last year after that slut Jennifer ran off two hundred copies of her droopy minge for her pervy American friends to drool over. I'm not going to spend this Christmas picking bits of glass out of painful places, I can tell you!"

Outspoken US columnist, Don Pitts, agreed. "If she must show off her ugly pussy why the hell doesn't she just photograph it with her cellphone like the rest of the danged sluts in the office?"
Their opinions were echoed by Felicity O'Toole: "Christmas office parties are simply old hat, darling."
"Do you have any advice for those who can't resist the festive spirit?" we asked the twenty-seven-year-old 'personal services' consultant.
"Drinkees and work don't mix," she gushed, as she knocked back her fifth Bacardi Breezer when we interviewed her during her lunch break at the Cockwell Inn.

Sadly, there is always one joker in every office who is determined to cock a snook at authority and risk life and limb in the reckless pursuit of Yuletide jollies. At utterpants that man is Barry Subchimp. "Would you like to gobble my nuts?" he asked us with a lopsided leer as we removed the last of the mistletoe from the executive washroom.
"Er, no thanks," we replied. "They may have been in contact with the photocopier."

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Hungry for more Festive fun? read how a Mad German tried to ban Santa Claus
and why Santa is coming twice this year

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