Christmas Sex Party Warning
By our slut in the stationery cupboard, Keli McTaggart
|Yes, it's that time of the year again, dear reader. The time when reckless young girls drop their knickers under the mistletoe after a few too many Bacardi Breezers and dirty old men bid for them on eBay
Which is why UK Secretary
of State for Culture, Tessa Jowell, has issued a stern warning to employers,
urging them to make sure their female staff do not injure themselves
at office parties by table dancing on desks or photocopying parts of
their body. Mrs Jowell, a stunning brunette of indeterminate age who
is no stranger to sexual harassment from unscrupulous men wielding whips,
implored managers not to put up mistletoe as it is known to incite sexual
misconduct and binge drinking, before going on to alert women to the
dangers of wearing microskirts and skimpy tops to the Christmas office
Polls show that twelve out of ten British firms agree with Tessa Jowell and will not be holding knees-ups this year for fear of being sued by male staff claiming injury to their genitalia by women hitting back at sexual harassment. The cultured Culture Secretary's warning was greeted with huge sighs of relief by senior managers up and down the country, one of whom took time off from briefing his secretary on what to buy his mistress for Christmas, to talk to utterpants. "It's no joke going to photocopy the annual report for the Chairman," he complained, "only to be confronted with a slimy snail trail. If you must photocopy your bottom please make sure you wipe down the glass to prevent the spread of thrush."
Single mums, already reeling from the strain of funding
another credit-card busting shopping spree to provide their nippers
with the latest mobile phones and Harry
Potter vibrating brooms, welcomed the Culture Secretary's announcement
with equal enthusiasm. "Blokes are even more disgusting at this
time of year," one anonymous secretary told utterpants
indignantly. "Not only do we have to put up with them looking up
our skirts when we're putting up the tinsel, but listen to endless,
pathetic variations on 'do you like cream on your pudding?"
female spokestypeperson from Mrs Jowell's department made it clear to
us that if firms wish to avoid calling in the emergency services this
year, they should ban dangerous items such as advent candles, holly,
Christmas crackers, mistletoe and novelty paper hats from office parties.
The Ministry have thoughtfully prepared a list of
Yuletide innuendoes for employers which it deems 'highly offensive'
and recommends that staff caught using them should be severely disciplined
— or possibly lightly spanked, trousers down, with a generous
sprig of holly.
applauds Tessa Jowell's responsible stance and has already instigated
her sensible safety precautions in our offices, a decisive move which
was greeted with almost unanimous approval by our staff.
Outspoken US columnist, Don
Pitts, agreed. "If she must show off her ugly pussy why the
hell doesn't she just photograph it with her cellphone like the rest
of the danged sluts in the office?"
Sadly, there is always one joker in every office
who is determined to cock a snook at authority and risk life and limb
in the reckless pursuit of Yuletide jollies. At utterpants
that man is Barry
Subchimp. "Would you like to gobble my nuts?" he asked
us with a lopsided leer as we removed the last of the mistletoe from
the executive washroom.
© utterpants.co.uk/ 211204 A051205