Food Giant in Tits for Milk Scandal
By our woman with a firm grip on Britain's Love Handles,
|Utterpants have uncovered a sinister scheme by Baby Food giant, Nastléy, to persuade young women into accepting free, silicone breast implants in a desperate bid to boost the flagging sales of its formula milk products|
|Nastléy, which has seen its profits go tits up in the face of the promotion of breastfeeding by many health professionals, is clearly a corporation that believes in innovation. Not content with adding minute amounts of cocoa solids to its formula milk in an attempt to lift its sagging bottom line in the third world, Utterpants has learned that the Swiss pharma-giant is now offering free plastic tits to girls as young as fifteen.
When I questioned the wisdom of giving implants to young women who might not have any breasts yet, a Dr Cillicone told me: "Exactly! Think of the profit—er, benefits!"
On the face of it, persuading our young women to undergo breast implants would seem be a highly dubious way to boost the sales of formula milk, given that the World Health Organisation (WHO) has stated that there is ten times the amount of silicon in formula milk than in a breastfeeding mum with implants. But Nastléy's innovative scientists are clearly one jump ahead of the WHO as Utterpants discovered when our female researcher was offered no less than eighteen free boob jobs by 'independent health professionals' on condition that she stopped breastfeeding her four-month-old baby daughter, Islington.
A leaked memo we have not actually seen, but can confidently predict will be found in box of Pampers as soon as we hear from Nastléy's lawyers, reveals in chilling detail just how far the pharma-giant has gone to ensure that the only mouths sucking on British nipples will be theirs, or as Dr Cillicone put it: "We intend to squeeze British women until the paps—er—pips squeak."
In chilling detail worthy of Dr Joseph Mengele, the scientist goes on to specify the 'special ingredients' that need to be added to the silicone implants to ensure that they not only inhibit natural milk production, but make it completely unpalatable to babies. As the author puts it: 'Any baby that sucks on one of these puppies is going to be sicker than a dog.' The memo is countersigned by Nastléy's Chief Accountant, Barclay Merchant, who scribbled the following note in the margin:
Unsurprisingly, it is Laboratoires L'actate—a subsidiary of the global Nastléy empire, which is supplying the free implants. Among the inducements being offered to young women to undergo breast surgery are free iPods, cosmetics, beauty treatments, fake tans and candy bars—all Nastléy products with the exception of the popular music player, which comes pre-loaded with several bonus tracks by Hot Chocolate—naturally. But this is just the nipple of a much nastier plot to eliminate breastfeeding altogether. Utterpants have learned that Nastléy are paying 'D-list' walking tit-scaffold and professional moron, Jordan (a.k.a. 'Katie Price'), huge wodges of cash to bottle-feed her new baby in public whilst footie punchbag, Victoria Beckham, was paid even more to keep her revolting little rugrat, Brooklyn, out of the limelight altogether. Clearly, Nastléy didn't pay her enough.
But the lucrative Milk train doesn't stop there, as I found out when I spoke to a senior paedatrician whose attitude to breastfeeding was clearly evident from the 'Milk-free zone' button pinned to her white lab coat.
"But breastfeeding in public is perfectly acceptable in this coun—"
I put our findings to a spokestypeperson at the Department of Health and asked him what the government proposed to do about Nastléy's nasty scheme.
"I'm sorry, Ms McTaggart," said the spokestypeperson sweeping my chest pityingly with his eyes. You clearly feel very strongly about your own petite tit—er breasts. But there is no getting away from the fact that unusually large—"
"Not for babies, they're not. It's just preying on womens' insecurities and pandering to a sick, male obsession."
© 2006 Keli McTaggart & utterpants.co.uk / 190406
The brand and product names referred to in this satirical article are imaginary and bear no relationship to any similar-sounding products or names, or their respective manufacturers.