Internet is safe for kids says MumInternet is safe for Kids says Mum

By our woman with her finger on the seamy belly button of Teen Culture,
Keli McTaggart
The mother of two young teenage girls from Romford, in Essex, hit out today at what she called "Net Nannies"

Little Jordan Gussett, twelve-and-three-quarter years old, and all of four foot nine in her white Nike trainers, leaves middle-aged men panting to keep up when it comes to surfing the Net. Her proud mum, Mrs Glenda Gussett, told us that her two teenage daughters are living proof that unrestricted internet access is not only safe, but essential to a child's education and development.

As she explained to Utterpants: "When the girls first started surfing the Internet, we had to turn the PeeCee on and move that ratty thing around for them, but they soon got the hang of it. Now Jade (aged thirteen-and-a-half) even has her own blog, though my husband did wonder if her bedroom ceiling was the best place for her new webcam. Jade explained that it's something to do with "Bluetooth reception".

"Jade didn't care how she looked until she discovered the Internet," gushed Mrs Gussett, "but now she wears dead sexy knickers, has started shaving her legs and uses an electric toothbrush. At least I think that's what she does otherwise why would she need so many batteries?"
"Jordan's just the same," added her proud Dad, Jeff, 'mad dog', Gussett. "We bought her one of them lap dog computers last Christmas so she could have a little privacy when she's chatting to her mates on the Net."
"The girls are making friends right across the world," continued Mrs Gussett enthusiastically, "and Jade has a very special friend called Loli Lovejoy. I think it's such a sweet name. From what she says, he adores children and seems ever so fond of her. Lucy's been sending him tons of pictures of herself, but she's so shy she locks herself in the loo with her webcam to take them."

"Yeah, Loli is so thoughtful," agreed Mr Gussett. "Last week he took Jordan out for an ice. I think she must have overdone it, because when she got in, her hair was smothered in ice-cream and her face was really sticky. Then she threw up over Jade. But Jade was very good about it. She massaged her sister's tummy while they chatted to Loli on the Net. I think Jade must have felt a bit sick too, because when I popped into their bedroom she was massaging her own tummy with her Harry Potter broomstick and moaning quietly to herself. Jordan said Loli Lovejoy's invited them both to a 'Teen Come Fest' on her thirteenth birthday. Isn't that great? I'm not sure what a 'Teen Come Fest' is, but she says he's bought them some smashing outfits and offered to pay their train fares and everything. "

"Both girls are getting a fantastic education on the Net," enthused Mrs Gussett. "Jordan's English has improved no end. At first she used to ask us to explain unfamiliar words like ' double penetration', 'cyborgasm', 'facials' and 'shower', but me and the missus believe in kids finding stuff out for themselves. Now they're teaching us things, know what I mean? That Internet is dead cool. I've even heard you can book cheap flights to Falaraki on it"

Utterpants tried to speak to the little girls themselves, but their parents think that since their passports and teddy bears are missing, they may have left the country for a short holiday abroad with their friend Loli Lovejoy.

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© 2004 utterpants.co.uk

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