Santa to come twice this Christmas Santa to Come Twice this Christmas

By our woman under the mistletoe, Jennifer Gardner
Hard on the heels of our report that high street stores have sacked hundreds of Santas over fears of a festive feeding frenzy of instore kiddie-fiddling, we are delighted to reveal that the Big Fella himself has promised to come twice this Christmas — or possibly even more

The news was greeted with loud ejaculations of joy by millions of frustrated women around the country, who have long complained that Santa's inability to come more than once a year put a serious dampener on their relationships over the festive season.

"Every year Gerald promises that he'll really fill my stocking this time," grumbled Tamara Snogworthy (27), when we interviewed her in Harrod's Adult Toy department, "and every bloody year he goes off before he's even lit the cherry on my pudding. And when I complain he just shrugs his shoulders and says if it's good enough for Santa it should be good enough for me. Well, it bloody well isn't!"

According to a Giddyup poll conducted last year, Tamara's misery is shared by eight out of ten British women who are fed up with being fobbed off with a quick encounter with their partner's fun-sized Yule Log which even if it manages to find the entrance to their Holly Bush, invariably goes off prematurely like a limp cracker which has been left soaking in cheap Brandy overnight. We don't know why the other two women aren't miserable, but it's possible one is a nun and the other a votary at the shrine of Sappho.

But this Christmas men will have to find another excuse for their dismal failure to light up their partner's plum pudding because Santa has discovered Viagra and he's about to make a lot of chimneys very happy.

According to Dr Nicholas Wenceslas, who has been treating Mr Claus at his exclusive clinic in Northern Finland, Santa's infrequent arrivals were due to an inherited hormonal deficiency which affects as many as 102% of men. Father Christmas is not the only notable figure to suffer from such a condition. Former US Senator Bob Dole, former dictator Saddam Hussein and former 'small knob' Paul McCartney, have all experienced difficulty keeping their advent candles lit. However, Mr. Claus’ problem was the most severe case Dr Wenceslas had ever encountered.

As the dapper Finn explained to Utterpants: "In no year that I have investigated did Santa come more than once, and when he did, it was always on the night of the 24th December, and then only by sliding down a complete stranger's chimney. On no occasion did he use the front door or bother to check if the fire had been lit. Are these the acts of a well man?"
"So Santa has been sick for all these years?" we asked.
"Sick is putting it mildly," snorted Dr Wenceslas. "A compulsion for using the chimney in preference to the front door, appalling dress sense, premature ejaculation and chronic impotency have led many lesser men to seek office as Home Secretaries or even worse."
"I was thinking of the President of the United States."

"But he's cured now?" we asked.
"Cured?" repeated the Finn, arching his eyebrows in surprise. "I shouldn't think so. The maniac has just committed another 10,000 troops to Iraq and banned the sale of advent candles to women and Gay men under the age of 65."
"We meant Santa."
"Ah — Santa's cured all right. I thought you meant another impotent burglar believed in by millions of deluded children who enters premises without an invitation and leaves a bloody mess behind."

In related news story, Mrs S Claus of Lapland has filed for divorce on the grounds of her husband's 'excessive demands', twenty-seven elves have brought charges of sexual harassment, Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer has changed his name by deed poll to 'Rudolf the red-arsed Reindeer', and the demand for chimney sweeps has soared by over 9,000%.

Hungry for more Festive fun? read how a Mad German tried to ban Santa Claus
and why Stores are sacking Santas this year

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Story © 2004 Jennifer Gardner. Picture & design © 2004 utterpants.co.uk/091204

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