Mad German tries to ban Santa Claus
By our woman who is no stranger to straightening an old man's fruit, Miranda S Givings
|Eccentric German performance artist, Karl-Friedrich Lentze, has written to the German parliament to ask them to ban Santa Claus, arguing that the fat, bearded old git scares little kiddies to death
Judging by the dodgy geezers who dress up in red frockcoats and black jackboots down our way, we think gorgeous Karl has a point. Unfortunately, the good burghers of the Bundestag did not agree with the artist and turned him down flat. "We will not be part of banning Santa Claus from public life," wrote aptly named senator, Dr Nico Klaus. "On the contrary, we look forward to many more visits from this traditional Christmas institution."
Contrary to the popular myth that Germans don't have a sense of humour, another member of the Bundestag clearly had his tongue firmly in his cheek when he added: "The members of the Bundestag are generally opposed to interfering with fairy tales and fantasies. To prevent similar requests in the future, please note that we don't plan to ban witches from story books, Easter bunnies from public parks, or to lift the ban on riding on broomsticks while not at school."
Cuddly Berlin fruitcake, Karl (55) is no stranger to courting controversy,
consistently coming up with stunts so bizarre it makes the war
in Iraq seem quite sane in comparison.
Last year, the scuzzy fruitcake astonished the world by applying for permission to serve soups enriched with urine and cakes made of breast milk in a restaurant in the small German town of Euskirchen.
caught up with Karl and his handsome chum, Karl-Heinz Lenze (no relation),
at a Gay Sushi Bar in Berlin's fashionable Hackescher Markt. The artist
told us modestly: "Zere are plenty of peeble who vud be interested
in tasting my recipes for urine goulash und cakes called "mummy's
If taking the piss or noshing on mummy's milk doesn't sound like your
cup of tea, maybe being
eaten out by carnivorous fish will moisten your gusset? It certainly
appeals to Herr Lentze, as the owners of Cologne Zoo discovered when
he wrote to them to ask if they would feed his body to their piranha
fish after he's kicked the bucket. As Karl (that's not the guy with
the banana in our picture) explained to Utterpants:
"I read about zis Dutch guy vot wanted to be fed to snails. I kinda
liked the idea but thought zat piranha might gobble me up a damn sight
Zoo director, Günther Nogge's response was more pragmatic: "It's
a great idea," he told Utterpants.
"But if Karl vontz to carry it out for educational purposes
zen it vud be bedder if he vos fed to ze piranhas alive. Ze little fishies
are not so keen on dead flesh."
Not one to let a minor setback dog his creative genius, Karl-Friedrich Lentze soon turned his attention to the needs of man's best friend. No, we're not talking about that friend, boys, but the mangy cur you made her buy you so you'd have an excuse to slope off to the pub every evening. Karl's concern for the sexual well-being of our canine chums has prompted him to open the world's first brothel for dogs in Berlin. We remarked that the city's many parking meters and convenient trees surely provided all the stimulation any dog could possibly want. But crazy Karl is convinced that Berlin's mutts are finding it increasingly hard to satisfy their desires while being taken for walks.
"Have you thought of putting up more lampposts?" we asked
performance artist's latest bid for immortality among fruitcakes is
the invention of a device he claims can straighten bananas.
"Zis is ze biggest thing since sliced bread! Depending on ze degree
of ze curve, my machine vil cut chunks out of the ze banana, which vil
zen be resealed using a biologically safe glue made von—"
Crazy Karl may be not be the stuff of every girl's fantasties, but his cheeky chum sent our reporter's pulses racing. I'd straighten his fruit any day. Oh please take me roughly from behind with your banana, Karl-Heinz. Now!
© 2004 utterpants.co.uk /`r181204