Heat wave road chaos
By our woman in front in the 4x4,
Miranda S Givings
|LONDON — now that summer has finally arrived in Britain — officially categorized as one fine day followed by a thunderstorm — police report car accidents have trebled as motorists struggle to cope with soaring temperatures, melting ice-lollies, and teenage girls wearing frayed shorts
Already distracted by over 52 million speed cameras — roughly one for every man, woman and illegal immigrant — sleeping policemen and straying sheep, middle-aged British drivers are skidding into ditches and crashing into lampposts in alarming numbers. The cause? Scantily clad teenage girls wearing frayed shorts and belly-baring crop-tops. Once confined to the Shopping Malls of Middle America, the belly-baring teenager is now the biggest single cause of car accidents on Britain's roads according to motoring magazine, Hot Rod Monthly.
"Phew, what a scorcher!" shouted one fifty-two-year-old stockbroker as he swerved to avoid a teenage girl who had bent down to retrieve her iPod directly in front of his Jaguar. Pausing only to ask the young woman if she wanted to lie down on the back seat of his air-conditioned limo, the good samaritan went on to tell Utterpants that his daily journey to work had turned into a nightmare since the heat wave struck. "It's simply not cricket," he explained, as he reached for a kleenex to wipe the perspiration from his brow—or possibly his trousers, "only yesterday two schoolgirls dressed in scraps of cloth no larger than a bus ticket blew me a kiss as they cycled past in a traffic jam. Had I not had the presence of mind to mount the kerb and crash into a newsagents a serious sexual offence might have been committed by those shameless sluts!"
"It was bad enough last month," commented a distraught man
in a crumpled crimpeline suit from the British Ministry of Transport,
"but as soon as the sun comes out temperatures just go through
"You can't blame a young girl for trying to keep cool,"
"Can nothing be done?" we asked him.
© 2004 utterpants.co.uk /A140705