Woman misses lotto jackpot Woman misses Lotto Jackpot

By our one-armed bandit,
Alexander DeVille
A woman who failed to scoop a double Lottery jackpot of 2.2 million has revealed that she has yet to win anything on the lotto and is considering quitting playing the weekly big money quiz

The unfortunately named Mary Gamble from Purley in Surrey didn’t win £2,213,141 in Wednesday’s Lotto jackpot draw after purchasing two tickets for the contest. The staunchly Catholic single mother of eight told reporters: “I'm well gutted, as are many of my friends and family. I've been playing the lottery for nine years and have never won a single penny; it's so unfair. I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that it’s about time Camelot started to give something back to their long-term customers."

In a double blow, the 36-year-old triple divorcee was deserted by her partner of nine months — an unemployed vending-machine salesman — after he discovered that twenty-seven members of her family had also taken part in the same draw without success. Mrs Gamble has launched an official complaint to lotto operators, Camelot, calling on them to give all players a ‘fair chance of winning’ by reducing the number of numbers to two and restricting ticket sales to single monthers living in the Purley area.

According to a lottery expert we did not consult, but who is sleeping with our office girl, Kelly, only a handful of players actually win a sizeable amount of cash every week. Dave Gorton of Lotto Watch UK told the slim, 22-year-old recovering sexaholic, “Most people actually lose their money, I can say for certain that approximately 99.997% of players are wasting their time if they think they'll win, because they won’t."

Speaking publicly on BBC Radio 4 today, Mary Gamble told the audience of 157 listeners that she would choose the numbers 3, 12, 14, 21, 41 and 5 for her next ticket, and added pointedly: “I hope Camelot have made a note of my choice."

National Lottery spokestypeperson, Caroline Hawley, dismissed the complaints of the unlucky jackpot loser who has never managed to match all six numbers on the Lotto draw, as 'preposterous', adding: 'she should bloody well see sense and learn the basic rules of the game.'
When asked to explain why so few people won, the slim, chain-smoking former press agent to Tessa Jowell, snapped back angrily:'Look, it's not rocket science! All the stupid cow has to do is match six numbers to the draw. I mean, how hard is that?'

Mary Gamble has now accepted that her hopes of having an inside toilet built, buying new shoes, new furniture, — or possibly having bottom reduction surgery to attract a fourth husband — seem unlikely to materialise. Wiping away a tear, the pessimistic waitress told Utterpants, "I couldn't believe my bad luck at first, it took a while for it to settle in. I'm sure next week will be the one which changes everything."

News of Mary Gamble’s loss comes just a week after a group of twenty-eight bedders from Cambridge University failed to scoop a £2.3 million jackpot and hard on the heels of a noisy demonstration by the catering staff of Purley Comprehensive School who tied themselves to the railings of Buckingham Palace after losing out on a £6.2 million rollover.

MP Austin Mitchell has called for an urgent review of the way people are chosen to win the contest after his wife failed to match any numbers for the 52nd consecutive week. Speaking on Channel 5's 'Money Matters' programme, Mr. Mitchell said, "It's not fair if rich people, asylum seekers, criminals or footballers' wive's win. Nobody likes them anyway, so they shouldn't be allowed to win."

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Story © 2004 Alexander DeVille. Picture & design © 2004 utterpants.co.uk / 200904

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