Hellís Balls! Hellís Balls!

By our women who know a suspicious package when they handle one,
Jennifer Gardner
Keli McTaggart

“It was simply a college prank that got out of hand,” lamented Matthew Greazy, a respected professor of English Literature at the Remedial College for Disturbed Young Women, in Reading, Berkshire, today, after his arrest on charges of gross indecency

“I was teaching my students about the phenomena of hero worship as it applies to the modern day media and one of them brought up the topic of genital divinity,” explained the fifty-one-year old academic as he massaged his handcuffed wrists. “Much to my surprise, my contention that genital worship is an urban myth nowadays was met with ribald laughter and cynical sneers. So I had no alternative but to give the delinquent young minds I am contracted to mould into responsible adults a glimpse of my family jewels.”

Dr Greazy is being held in Reading gaol on twenty-three charges of gross indecency for his actions in the classroom and one charge of blasphemy for allowing his testicles to be worshipped by thousands of online scrotum-fetishists. The shocking scandal first came to light when a website notorious for disseminating smut published close-up photographs of two extremely large and hairy balls, which Greazy later admitted were his own. The professor maintains that it was a malicious student who started the ball rolling by taking digital photographs of his genitalia and uploading them to her weblog in order to disprove his theory on genital divinity.

Unfortunately for her and Dr Greazy, a bizarre religious cult soon sprang up on the Internet and framed photographs of his hideous genitalia—similar to the one that we have published—were soon changing hands, or possibly quivering thighs, for as much as 20p each. "How was I to know that the Internet is frequented by scrotum-fetishists from all over the world?" wailed the disgraced academic when Utterpants interviewed him in the foetid cell he shares with a 300lb gay sex-offender. "I only whipped them out to demonstrate a philosophical point," he continued. "— I didn't think anyone would actually worship them!"

Pausing only to shift his ample posterior as far away from his grinning cellmate as possible, Dr Greazy choked back his tears as he told us: “I never expected the public outcry and criminal charges that have resulted from baring my unique, personal endowments. “On the contrary, I expected my students to drop my balls and concentrate on completing their essays on the Public display of competitive flatulence in pre-Roman society, which should have been on my desk three weeks ago.”

But instead of a stack of windy verbiage, Dr Greazy received a visit from the Berkshire Constabulary, who questioned him while Special Branch officers combed his flat for suspicious packages. Their investigation turned up several pairs of soiled thongs which a neighbour testified the professor employed in the bizarre, satanic rites to which he is hopelessly addicted.
"I've seen the sick bastard wrap them around his head and go into some kind of trance in which he flagellates himself into a religious frenzy," confided twenty-four-year-old Pat Bottoms as she showed us the video she'd taken through her eight-inch telescope which is trained on the professor's study. "When I confronted the pervoid about it he said the panties made him 'see holy visions' and asked me if I'd like to worship his balls! I can't tell you what a relief it is to know he's safely banged up."
An emotion not shared by Dr Greazy, as he was at pains to point out to our reporter when he begged her not to leave him alone with the very affectionate cellmate who was unscrewing a large jar of vaseline as she beat a hasty retreat.

As well as the thongs, police found a vast collection of highly incriminating items, including:

A lifetime supply of Kleenex within arm’s reach of his filthy bed, under which officers discovered 257 pornographic magazines, some of which dated back to 1977 and included previously unseen copies of 'Health and Efficiency'—a disgusting periodical devoted to the worship of airbrushed genitalia.

An 8 x 10 ‘glossy’ of an unidentified website editor with a receding hairline wearing nothing but a leather posing pouch and gold handcuffs, stuck between 'Miss Anal August' and 'Ms Dildo December' in the 1999 'Sapphic Sluts' calendar.

A stack of sexually explicit letters concealed in a grubby sock from two seventeen-year-old students who went by the pseudonyms of ‘Ms Behaviour’ and ‘Ms Stains.’

A yellow, silk thong scrawled with the words 'I worship your hot, musky balls' in magenta lipstick and signed 'Your little Cream Cracker.'

At the time of their discovery, all the items were coated with a thick, sticky residue which is being analysed by a crack team of forensics officers wearing very thick gloves. Dr Greazy insists that the entire episode was just 'a giggle' and that he intended no harm by baring his balls. But that is no comfort to the thousands of hysterical women—some as young as sixty-eight—who have downloaded photographs of his testicles from the Internet and nightly imperil their very souls in frenzied, candlelit masturbation rites designed to 'fill them with the seed' of what shocked Church leaders have denounced as 'Hell's Balls.'

Police investigators have assured Utterpants that there is a dark and sinister side to the amiable Professor aptly nicknamed ‘Doc Greaze' by his adoring students. When officers searched his seedy bedsit in Reading, they found pagan effigies resembling swollen gonads. Several boxes of phallic-shaped candles were also found, wrapped in papyrus inscribed with satanic prayers extolling the health-giving virtues of 'Doctor Greazy's Holy Balls'. All of these suspicious materials have been removed as further evidence that far from being the inoffensive academic he claims, Matthew Greazy is in fact the ringleader of a devilish pagan cult worshipping his testicles. The Right Reverend Richard 'Dicky' Legge was quick to condemn Greazy as a 'satanic sex pervert' damned for all eternity for worshipping false idols. "Many accuse the Church of being too liberal these days," he told us. "Ordaining women, welcoming homosexuals and turning a blind eye to the verger buggering rosy-cheeked choir boys during Complain. The Church may even talk absolute bollocks but we draw the line at worshipping them!"

Inspector Harry 'Snapper' Organs of the Berkshire Constabulary told us that this bizarre cult isn't confined to web sites worshipping obscene pictures of the professor's hairy balls. "We have uncovered a flourishing on-line trade in so-called 'holy balls," the appalled officer confided to us. "Dissolute young women are openly selling silicone replicas of Dr Greazy's genitalia on Ebay for obscene amounts of money!"
When we questioned how these women were able to manufacture such items Inspector Organs showed us a plaster cast which officers had found hidden in a cavity cleverly cut into an autographed copy of 'Thongs of Praise'—one of dozens of pornographic books owned by the ageing panty-fetishist.

"Furthermore," explained the Inspector, holding the offensive cast at arm's length, "my officers found traces of plaster-of-Paris on a pair of the professor's underpants which sniffer dogs traced to the home of a 'collector' who confessed she had paid over a thousand pounds for them!"
Dr Greazy vehemently denies any part in this shocking trade, claiming that the large sums of money recently deposited into his savings account were a legacy from his recently deceased aunt. "As if I'd wear grey Y-fronts," snapped Greazy. "Anyway, the underpants this sick woman bought bear no resemblance to mine—they are covered in filthy stains and skid marks!"

Utterpants spoke to one young women who asked that we call her 'Andrea', who described in chilling detail how some girls have barely escaped from the 'Hells Balls' cult by the skin of their teeth—or in her case, her engorged labia: "At first I just laughed when a mate gave me a framed photo of Doc Greazy's balls—I mean, who wouldn't? But as soon as the candles were lit and we'd, like, y'know done some spliff, I began to sense a presence; it was dead scary. The next thing I knew I was flat on my back with my knickers around my ankles and these ghostly balls were bouncing away between my legs! When I glanced over my shoulder, Becky and Kayleigh each had a candle up their bums and were praying to the phantom balls!" My mum, like, totally freaked when she walked in to find us all worshipping a picture of some guy's hairy bollocks."

The two female detectives who strip-searched Greazy after his arrest told Utterpants that a pair of ceremonial ball clamps usually employed in satanic sex rituals were found in his possession. Further frisking also revealed a very small willy that despite nearly doubling in size when examined, still slipped out of one officer's hands when she attempted to inspect it for candle wax.
Greazy plans to use society’s demonisation of male genitalia as his defence, ironically the same contention that landed him in his present predicament. He is set to appear before Judge Jock Strappe at Reading Crown Court next month and is expected to get a long stretch, which is more than can be said for his willy, which his Gay cellmate told us remains disappointingly undersized.

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© 2005 Jennifer Gardner & Keli McTaggart. Design and picture © utterpants.co.uk /270705

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