Council welcomes Gypo Fest

By our man who is no stranger to having the wheels nicked off his Fiesta, Barry Subchimp

SCOTLAND—local council chiefs danced a celebratory ceilidh today as a plague of unwashed Gypsies invaded the quiet Scottish backwater of Kirkraith for their annual festival

The colourful itinerant travellers—or 'Pikies', as they are affectionately known to the locals—descended on the already dilapidated area like locusts, burgling garden sheds, laying dodgy tarmac drives and stripping motor vehicles bare, leaving Kirkraith car parks as barren as the fields of Sodom and Gomorrah. During their month-long stay, the tree-hugging-heathens hope to set new world records for the fastest in-car-entertainment removal, the impregnation of the local wenches and the theft of anything that's not nailed down—or possibly stuff that is nailed down but will fit in the back of an untaxed Transit when nobody's looking. As usual, the highlight of the ever-popular festival will be the pikey's spontaneous displays of fisti-cuffsmanship in the towns Jakio's night club.

"These fuckers would steal your bollocks if they weren't in a bag," complained one disgruntled shopkeeper who asked to remain anonymous for fear the pikies might carry out their threat to torch his twenty-three-year-old Morris Minor Shooting Break if he refused to let them tarmac his drive. Fortunately his views are not shared by the majority of this close-knit community who have welcomed the travellers with open arms, or in the case of the younger, female inhabitants, knickers down, tits out and legs wide open, as we discovered when we talked to the local police.

Pausing only to fit three new padlocks to his garden shed before rushing off to visit his relatives in Australia for two months, Sergeant Hamish MacSporran of the Fife Constabulary told Utterpants gleefully: "We really canna wait to open the criminal flood gates and welcome these soap-dodging con artists once again. Kirkraith has been so safe and quiet for so long we're in danger of slipping behind in the league table of deprived Scottish areas and missing out on stonking great re-development handouts from central government."

local chav scum open their legs to Pikies

"Does that mean you're expecting trouble?" we asked.
"I should bloody well hope so!" chuckled the sergeant. "My daughter, Shona, is beside herself with excitement. I mean, it's not every day a sixteen-year-old virgin gets the chance to blag herself a council flat and two hundred quid a week, is it?"
When we expressed concern about a possible rise in thefts and burglaries sergeant MacSporran's eyes lit up like twin Christmas trees. "We're counting on it," he replied, rubbing his hands together. "The massive crime wave we're expecting will inject some much needed drug money into the local economy and the rash of car stereo thefts that inevitably follows will be a real shot in the arm for local car repair businesses."

His enthusiasm for the tidal wave of cheeky Gypos pouring into the town was shared by local teenagers, who are eagerly looking forward to the stench-bearing-cart-dwellers annual event, know locally as the 'Links Market'—a series of poorly constructed fairground rides which are re-named each year after the biggest movie releases of the summer and compete with each other for the crudest painted representations of celebrities.
"Dis year, Star Wars Episode Tree and dat dere Spiderman 4 is our big earners," said Fairground proprietor, Cyrus Grissom, as he proudly leaned against a painting of Ewan McGregor with three eyes. "Dey makes even more dosh den Terminator 2 and dat Ghostbusters combined, and we're all really excited about coming 'ere, innit."

Fellow pikey and veteran demolition expert, Wayne Hennessy (29), was clearly delighted by the warm welcome the townspeople had given him when we caught up with him beside a burned out Morris Minor Shooting Brake. "Bust me a pound dere bruv! I wanna to take da time to thank da council for allowing us to come 'ere an' for givin' us more rights dan dose 'ard workin' fools who pays taxes and lives in 'ouses like da ones I break into."

But for one local sadist, the annual Gypo Fest is an occasion for more than harmless fun as we discovered when we spoke to Jack Napier, a life long resident of Kirkraith, who told us what the Links Market means to him: "My Family always take great pleasure in gathering together on the Thursday morning after the opening evening to listen to the radio for the inevitable news report about who was injured this year. It's always a sure thing, but the details keep us in fits of laughter."
"How do you mean?" we asked.
"Well," smirked Jack, "This year I'm looking forward to a repeat performance of the guy who broke an arm and a leg when he was catapulted thirty feet across the road and landed on top of a caravan. But I'd be satisfied if the rollercoaster broke down again or a car came loose and flew into the sea. That would be pretty sweet. Whatever happens, someone is sure to get maimed or even killed within the first week!"

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