The new law will confine popular pets such as goldfish, budgerigars, guinea pigs and known troublemakers like feral cats to specially designed steel enclosures located at least two miles away from the nearest habitation.

Along with this measure, the law will also tighten offences relating to horse fouling — £10,000 fine — widen the range of sentences for letting your dog crap in your neighbour's drive, and increase the effectiveness of bullbars on 4x4's to help reduce the cat population.

Explaining the details of the draft Bill, Animal Health and Welfare Minister Stan Shufflebotham told Utterpants: “The draft Bill extends a duty to promote public safety — currently present in farmed animal legislation — to all animal keepers. This will mean that all household pets must be kept under lock and key except for two 10 minute access periods at 8am and 8pm. This is a major improvement to current welfare laws which are often based on the view that safe practice is about taking action after a child has suffered severe injury or even death."

"Isn't that a bit draconian?" we asked the Minister.
"Look!" replied the bespectacled former butcher, "The people of this country are fed up to the back teeth with being kept up all bloody night listening to their neighbour's mangy moggie shagging the arse off every cat in the district!"

"But why goldfish?" we asked. "What harm do they do?"
"Don't you read the papers?" snorted the Minister. "Surely you're aware of the terrible death of those two little girls in Cleckheaton last week?"
"Er — remind us, Minister," we replied.
"They slipped on two Manchurian minnows that had jumped out of their aquarium when the family moggie dived into it. Both girls choked to death."
"Choked?" we repeated.
"On the budgie that escaped when the fish tank fell onto its cage."
"Surely they can't both have choked on the same budgie?" we objected.
"No, of course not!" snapped the Minister, "The other girl choked on a gerbil the cat was chasing when it dived into the aquarium."

"Do you foresee any opposition to this bill?" we asked.
"Only from a few died-in-the-wool fanatical animal activists."
"And how do you propose to deal with them, Minister?"
"Set my bloody Abysinnian snow leopard on the buggers!"
"Leopard?" we asked. "Surely a leopard is a far more dangerous animal than a guinea-pig? Are you telling us leopards are exempt from the bill?"
"Certainly they are," replied Mr Shufflebotham, smoothly. "There hasn't been a single attack on a child in this country by an Abysinnian Snow leopard in 273 years.
"But there has by a guinea pig?"
"Absolutely!" beamed the Minister triumphantly. "Three of the savage buggers mugged a paper boy only last week. The poor little chap needed eight stitches in his groin."
"Well, you can't argue with statistics," we commented.

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