Cherie in plot to kill Tony Blair shock Cherie in plot to kill Tony Blair

By our man in black behind the bush,
Robert Carey

After shocking disclosures by an unnamed Sun reporter that Cherie Blair is dissatisfied with her sex life — or possibly just the Prime Minister's neglect of her 'love tunnel', the buxom barrister has now been accused of trying to bump off the source of her frustration

Mrs Blair is on record as saying that if Tony doesn’t pull his socks up, or at least take them off while he's rubbing his laughing gear around her beef curtains, she may be tempted to seek satisfaction elsewhere.

Chirpy Cherie is said to be particularly miffed by the reluctant muff diver's 'close' relationship with international peacekeeper and liberal philanthropist, George W Bush.

In an exclusive interview with Utterpants that never took place in a rural Buckinghamshire location we are not at liberty to name, the frustrated forty-something lashed out at the man who is no stranger to premature capitulation. "I don’t think the fat salary and gigantic pension benefits Tony and I are getting compensate for the life of chastity I’ve been living since the selfish sod fell under the spell of George W Bush. Only the other day I heard him telling George how much he missed not having a firm dick behind him."

"I think he may have been referring to Mr Cheney," we replied.
"I mean, if only, he'd fall under my bush, but he prefers to hang out with those dreadful American oiks. Do you know, I’ve been buying thongs and nipple clamps, and all manner of sex toys, setting candlelight dinners and playing romantic music in an effort to get his snake out of his trousers. For a man who's convinced there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, he seems curiously incapable of finding the only bloody weapon I'm interested in!"
"Why not use an escort agency?" we asked.

"Are you kidding? I daren’t shag a male escort. It would be all over the papers in no time. I’ve even bared my soul to Gordon Brown's wife and asked her if she gets any more than I do but it was the same story, Gordon hasn’t so much as rubbed himself against her cheeks in months. Mind you, if I were married to him, I’d give him a pretty wide berth too. It’s not as if I’m an unattractive woman. I always get wolf whistles from the junior clerks in chambers and sometimes the defendants and jurors even pinch my bum when I’m in court. I don’t mind telling you I find that rather flattering. But if this goes on much longer I’m afraid I'm going to do something desperate to Tony. By the way, are you doing anything tonight?”

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Story © Robert Carey. Picture and construction © 2004 utterpants.co.uk

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