Church Bashes Gay Bishop!
The popular gay, rug-smoking Bishop of Staines is to be ousted in a moral backlash by reactionary members of the Church of England

By Miranda S Givings

Following a secret meeting at Great Smith Street, London, yesterday, the General Synod voted to oust the Rt Rev Damian DeVille, the gay rug-smoking clergyman, from the bishopric of Staines. The leader of the Synod, the outspoken Bishop of Bagshot, the Rt Rev Richard 'Dicky' Legge, told Utterpants that Church leaders made their controversial decision after the Bishop of Staines had publicly admitted to an act of gross indecency with a senior member of the Lambeth Ladies Luncheon Club. "That fat old poofter has gone too far this time," bristled the bucolic Bishop. "Toasting the odd muffin between the cheeks of a choir boy after Evensong is one thing, but forcing a young lady to grasp the slippery rod of wickedness in a London Taxi cab is something the Church is not prepared to swallow."

The Bishop of Staines retaliated with: "Nowhere in the Bible does it say that slipping the Sexton into the sacristy or dipping the old crosier in the choir mistress' chalice debars a chap from becoming a bishop. The Synod is out of touch, out of date and out to lunch."

Most of the UK's 23 regular church-goers agree with him, claiming that the Synod's controversial decision makes a mockery of 2,000 years of Christian charity and is in direct defiance of the teachings of the Bible. As the Bishop put it: "The good book has nothing to say about introducing the verger into a few vestries."
"But what about the Devil worshipping nuns in your congregation?" we asked him.
"I don't see that a few horny women getting their jollies kissing Beelzebub's bottom is any more unsavoury than that hypocrite 'Dicky' Legge licking the Archbishop's ring for a leg up the greasy pole," replied the popular, rug-smoking gay Satanist, smugly. "Anyway, the Bible has nothing to say about it one way or the other."
"And the virgin sacrifices?"
"Are you kidding? You try finding a virgin in Staines who speaks Latin and doesn't have a bum that looks big in a wimple."
"And the baby-eating?"
"That was years ago after the plane crash. What else did you expect me to eat halfway up bloody mountain in Tibet in winter—communion wafers?"

A quick perusal of the Bible suggests that the Bishop's argument may well stand up. We were amazed to discover that the good book does not condemn rug smoking, baby eating, slipping the sexton into the sacristy (or the apse), and has nothing to say about weapons of mass destruction, sniffing bicycle saddles, lesbian strap-on female domination, reality TV shows, bunny boiling, Emmerdale Farm, or the evils of thongs.

But this evidence carries little weight with conservative Anglicans like the Rt Rev Richard 'Dicky' Legge. "If that devil-worshipping bum bandit is re-instated we're out of here," he thundered, presumably referring to the possibility that he and his fellow ecclesiastics would board a small dinghy at Plymouth and sail off to find new, less morally bankrupt lands in which to proselytise the true faith.
The consequences of such an exodus are almost unthinkable. The Theological experts we consulted painted a nightmare vision of Britain deprived of the moral guidance of the church. War, famine, Game shows, reality TV, casual sex, gay marriages, the Teletubbies, pornography, Bigger Macs and liquid smoke are just some of the terrifying scourges which the moral influence of the Church has so far spared us.

When Ms Givings asked the Bishop if he didn't think his supporters would desert him when they learned of his appalling catalogue of depravities, he laughed, and said: "Good gracious no! Whipping the Choir boys for punishing the pulpit during Complan went out with the auto-de-fe. In Staines we pride ourselves on being up to date. Live lesbian sex and biting the heads off a few chickens has got more firm young bottoms on pews than a hundred whist drives and coffee mornings ever did. My only mistake was to put my sexton in the hands of a silly young woman who couldn't keep her mouth open long enough to swallow his sermon, and refused to shut it afterwards. Now, drop your wimple, Ms Givings and bend over the font— it's BAPTISM TIME!"

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NOTE: This story has the dubious distinction of being the first Satire News story we published, back in April 2002. It was revised and updated on its 4th anniversary in April 2006.

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