Church Bashes Gay Bishop!
Following a secret meeting at Great Smith Street, London, yesterday, the General Synod voted to oust the Rt Rev Damian DeVille, the gay rug-smoking clergyman, from the bishopric of Staines. The leader of the Synod, the outspoken Bishop of Bagshot, the Rt Rev Richard 'Dicky' Legge, told Utterpants that Church leaders made their controversial decision after the Bishop of Staines had publicly admitted to an act of gross indecency with a senior member of the Lambeth Ladies Luncheon Club. "That fat old poofter has gone too far this time," bristled the bucolic Bishop. "Toasting the odd muffin between the cheeks of a choir boy after Evensong is one thing, but forcing a young lady to grasp the slippery rod of wickedness in a London Taxi cab is something the Church is not prepared to swallow."
The Bishop of Staines retaliated with: "Nowhere in the Bible does it say that slipping the Sexton into the sacristy or dipping the old crosier in the choir mistress' chalice debars a chap from becoming a bishop. The Synod is out of touch, out of date and out to lunch."
Most of the UK's 23 regular church-goers agree with him, claiming that
the Synod's controversial decision makes a mockery of 2,000 years of
Christian charity and is in direct defiance of the teachings of the
Bible. As the Bishop put it: "The good book has nothing to say
about introducing the verger into a few vestries."
A quick perusal of the Bible suggests that the Bishop's argument may well stand up. We were amazed to discover that the good book does not condemn rug smoking, baby eating, slipping the sexton into the sacristy (or the apse), and has nothing to say about weapons of mass destruction, sniffing bicycle saddles, lesbian strap-on female domination, reality TV shows, bunny boiling, Emmerdale Farm, or the evils of thongs.
But this evidence carries little weight with conservative Anglicans
like the Rt Rev Richard 'Dicky' Legge. "If that devil-worshipping
bum bandit is re-instated we're out of here," he thundered, presumably
referring to the possibility that he and his fellow ecclesiastics would
board a small dinghy at Plymouth and sail off to find new, less morally
bankrupt lands in which to proselytise the true faith.
When Ms Givings asked the Bishop if he didn't think his supporters would desert him when they learned of his appalling catalogue of depravities, he laughed, and said: "Good gracious no! Whipping the Choir boys for punishing the pulpit during Complan went out with the auto-de-fe. In Staines we pride ourselves on being up to date. Live lesbian sex and biting the heads off a few chickens has got more firm young bottoms on pews than a hundred whist drives and coffee mornings ever did. My only mistake was to put my sexton in the hands of a silly young woman who couldn't keep her mouth open long enough to swallow his sermon, and refused to shut it afterwards. Now, drop your wimple, Ms Givings and bend over the font— it's BAPTISM TIME!"
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