Mystery man steals Christmas Presents
By our woman under the mistletoe, Mercedes Dannenberg
|Police have issued a stern warning to the wealthy residents of Purley to be on the look out for a ruthless thief who is using the bonhomie of the festive season to steal Christmas presents and re-distribute them to the local poor
The man, who was last seen snatching an Apple iPod from the hands of a terrified fashion model as she double parked her open-topped Ferrari in Purley High Street, is thought to be behind a spate of recent chimney fires that have baffled Police since the thefts began two weeks ago.
Another victim is local magistrate, Lady Lucinda Beauchamp*, who took time out from crocheting Christmas willy-warmers for our brave lads in Iraq, to talk to Utterpants at her modest twenty-seven bedroom cottage in East Purley. "One minute I was wrapping a toy rabbit for my niece and the next thing I knew the chimney caught fire and a dreadfully smelly old hippy leapt out of the grate, pinned me to the carpet and made orf with Tamara's present," sobbed the sixty-three-year-old spinster. "That bloody toy cost me eighty-seven pounds and I had to pay extra for the batteries. The horrible oik even had the temerity to ask for the receipt so he could reclaim the VAT!"
Lady Beauchamp is one of dozens of well-to-do residents of this sleepy
English town who have been targeted by the mystery man in what Police
are calling 'a well-orchestrated thieving spree by an urban terrorist
hell bent on revolution.'
We asked the officer leading the investigation, Inspector Colin Plodder,
if he had a description of the perpetrator of these thefts.
"Well...it's 'ard to be dogmatic..." Inspector Plodder replied,
rubbing his chin. "It's the beard, y'see. A beard tends to age
a man's face somethin' terrible. I grew a short goatee once, but the
missus mistook me for me eighty-year-old dad so often I 'ad to shave
it off. I mean, I wasn't getting any y'see, on account of the fact that
"You've just described
Father Christmas to a 'T', Inspector."
Author's note: *Beauchamp is pronouced 'Beecham'
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