For the benefit of our American readers, or those who have been held without trial in Belmarsh Prison for the last five years, an ASBO is 'a civil order tailored by the courts against a named individual, forbidding him or her from repeating specific 'antisocial' acts.'

The 'named individual' in this case, was fifty-seven-year-old Cyril Firkin, from Romford, in Essex, who was repeatedly seen loitering outside the entrance to a local Primary School with what eyewitnesses described as 'a solitary strand of rancid hair combed over his shiny bonce.' Despite numerous pleas from sickened mums to 'get a fuckin' 'at mate!' or cut the offensive strand off, Mr Firkin, defiantly persisted in flaunting his baldness to children as young as eight and nine.

Stacey Gussett, a seventeen-year-old unmarried mother of three, is typical of the concerned and responsible citizens of Romford who banded together to get an ASBO slapped on the antisocial hair-pest. Stacey was kind enough to take time out from bagging up some pungent smelling herbs for a sick friend, to talk to Utterpants. We began by asking her what her feelings were now that Cyril Firkin was safely behind bars.
"Yeah. Dead chuffed, innit."
"Is it true that Mr Firkin was sacked from his job as a Lollipop Man after complaints that his haircut was frightening the children?" we asked.
"Yeah. Dead right, innit."
"You don't think that jailing a bald man for combing a strand of hair across his head is a little extreme?"

"Nah. He was bleeding lucky me and me mates didn't put the boot in. Kids shouldn't havta look at an ugly fucker like that when they go to school. 'E made little Jordan puke all over 'er Nike trainers she was so scared. You can't get any more antisocial than that, innit?"
We left Stacey grappling with the dilemma of whether to spend her remaining dole money on ten Mayfair Lights and a packet of condoms or another pregnancy testing kit and beat a hasty retreat while our car was still in possession of all it's wheels.

But Cyril Firkin is not the only dangerous hooligan who's reign of terror has been nipped in the bud by the timely arrival of an ASBO, as we discovered when we dug a little deeper into the festering mountain of civil disobedience which threatens to overwhelm Britain with a tidal wave of antisocial behaviour—or even a tsunami of lawlessness.

A twenty-three-year-old masseuse from East Purley, has been ASBO'd for lying on her front lawn in broad daylight in just her knickers and bra. When confronted by local councillors, Emma Chapman said it was a two piece bikini and claimed she had been sunbathing. Magistrates were swift to dismiss her defence on the grounds that no woman in her right mind would possibly risk premature ageing and skin cancer by exposing herself to the sun.

In a shocking incident in Wiltshire, a chicken farmer was ASBO'd after complaints from cat-loving young mothers that his cock 'was completely out of control' and had 'caused serious damage' to dozens of local pussies.

One of the most disturbing cases we uncovered was that of a thirty-two-year-old unmarried Essex woman who has been repeatedly ASBO'd for dialling 999. Police records show that Trisha O'Toole has called the emergency services no less than 168 times in nine months and then, when help arrives, she sexually assaults the ambulance crews sent to treat her.
"I barely escaped with my life," reminisced one traumatized paramedic. "She knocked my rectal thermometer out of my hand before I'd even had a chance to examine her chest. The next thing I knew she was taking it up Cadbury Alley like a two-bit hooker whilst munching on my mate's hideously empurpled member until he splattered the squealing spinster with his creamy man juice."

Unsurprisingly, Essex currently holds the record for issuing the greatest number of ASBO's in the United Kingdom, having handed out no less than 21,864 restraining orders since 2001. We asked the county's flamboyant Chief Constable, Sir Robert Craven, why this was.
"We have a lot of chavs," he chuckled.
"Chavs?" we asked.
"Idle, good-for-nothing scroungers, filthy, teenage sluts and petty criminals."
"So why not charge them with a felony and try them in court?"
"The whole point of ASBO's is to save the courts time and money," replied Sir Robert smugly. "An ASBO is only issued in the most serious cases where an immediate and present threat to civil order clearly exists."
"Such as?" we asked.
"Darren Spatchcock."
"Darren Spatchcock?" we repeated.

"Darren Spatchcock is a highly dangerous fourteen-year-old hooligan from Dartford who has been warned of an impending ASBO unless he gives up using his local street as a football pitch and the bus shelter as goalposts. My officers have testified that the boy has been repeatedly seen in the middle of the road with traffic backed up in both directions while he kicked the ball three to four feet up in the air. On one occasion twenty-seven officers supported by two Police helicopters and an armed response unit from Dagenham confiscated twelve footballs (and three Rugby balls) from him after a siege lasting two weeks."
"Well, when you put it like that, Sir Robert..."

"I do," enthused the Chief Constable. "Just as compulsory identity cards and detainment without trial have almost completely swept terrorism from our streets, so will the increasing use of ASBO's eliminate the scourge of hooliganism which has turned this once law-abiding country into a haven for social misfits, smokers, atheists and liberal do-gooders hell-bent on overturning our traditional values of repression, censorship and blind obedience to authority. What's more, ASBO's will relieve the tremendous burden on the judiciary who will be able to devote their energies and resources to tackling the really big issues that confront us."

"Such as a citizen's centuries old right to have their case tried in a court of law by a jury of their peers?" we asked.
"Exactly," laughed Sir Robert. "It's high time we repealed that anachronism. Look at America. They've dismantled almost all the wishy-washy freedoms their misguided founders established and you couldn't find a safer, more law abiding country on earth."

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