Man jailed for 'antisocial haircut'
By our woman who is no stranger to misbehaviour,
|An unemployed Romford man, who received an ASBO (anti-social behaviour order) for repeatedly terrorising his neighbours with 'an offensive haircut', was jailed today after he called the magistrate who issued the order 'a fucking nazi cunt'|
For the benefit of our American readers, or those who have been held without trial in Belmarsh Prison for the last five years, an ASBO is 'a civil order tailored by the courts against a named individual, forbidding him or her from repeating specific 'antisocial' acts.'
The 'named individual' in this case, was fifty-seven-year-old Cyril Firkin, from Romford, in Essex, who was repeatedly seen loitering outside the entrance to a local Primary School with what eyewitnesses described as 'a solitary strand of rancid hair combed over his shiny bonce.' Despite numerous pleas from sickened mums to 'get a fuckin' 'at mate!' or cut the offensive strand off, Mr Firkin, defiantly persisted in flaunting his baldness to children as young as eight and nine.
Stacey Gussett, a seventeen-year-old unmarried mother
of three, is typical of the concerned and responsible citizens of Romford
who banded together to get an ASBO slapped on the antisocial hair-pest.
Stacey was kind enough to take time out from bagging up some pungent
smelling herbs for a sick friend, to talk to Utterpants.
We began by asking her what her feelings were now that Cyril Firkin
was safely behind bars.
"Nah. He was bleeding lucky me and me mates
didn't put the boot in. Kids shouldn't havta look at an ugly fucker
like that when they go to school. 'E made little Jordan puke all over
'er Nike trainers she was so scared. You can't get any more antisocial
than that, innit?"
But Cyril Firkin is not the only dangerous hooligan who's reign of terror has been nipped in the bud by the timely arrival of an ASBO, as we discovered when we dug a little deeper into the festering mountain of civil disobedience which threatens to overwhelm Britain with a tidal wave of antisocial behaviour—or even a tsunami of lawlessness.
A twenty-three-year-old masseuse from East Purley, has been ASBO'd for lying on her front lawn in broad daylight in just her knickers and bra. When confronted by local councillors, Emma Chapman said it was a two piece bikini and claimed she had been sunbathing. Magistrates were swift to dismiss her defence on the grounds that no woman in her right mind would possibly risk premature ageing and skin cancer by exposing herself to the sun.
In a shocking incident in Wiltshire, a chicken farmer was ASBO'd after complaints from cat-loving young mothers that his cock 'was completely out of control' and had 'caused serious damage' to dozens of local pussies.
One of the most disturbing cases we uncovered was
that of a thirty-two-year-old unmarried Essex woman who has been repeatedly
ASBO'd for dialling 999. Police records show that Trisha O'Toole has
called the emergency services no less than 168 times in nine months
and then, when help arrives, she sexually assaults the ambulance crews
sent to treat her.
Essex currently holds the record for issuing the greatest number of
ASBO's in the United Kingdom, having handed out no less than 21,864
restraining orders since 2001. We asked the county's flamboyant Chief
Constable, Sir Robert Craven, why this was.
"Darren Spatchcock is a highly dangerous fourteen-year-old
hooligan from Dartford who has been warned of an impending ASBO unless
he gives up using his local street as a football
pitch and the bus shelter as goalposts. My officers have testified
that the boy has been repeatedly seen in the middle of the road with
traffic backed up in both directions while he kicked the ball three
to four feet up in the air. On one occasion twenty-seven officers supported
by two Police helicopters and an armed response unit from Dagenham confiscated
twelve footballs (and three Rugby balls) from him after a siege lasting
"I do," enthused the Chief Constable. "Just as compulsory identity cards and detainment without trial have almost completely swept terrorism from our streets, so will the increasing use of ASBO's eliminate the scourge of hooliganism which has turned this once law-abiding country into a haven for social misfits, smokers, atheists and liberal do-gooders hell-bent on overturning our traditional values of repression, censorship and blind obedience to authority. What's more, ASBO's will relieve the tremendous burden on the judiciary who will be able to devote their energies and resources to tackling the really big issues that confront us."
"Such as a citizen's centuries old right to
have their case tried in a court of law by a jury of their peers?"
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