There are those who claim that our country is in the grip of an astonishing wave of Puritanism. "Make no mistake," commented an anonymous cigar-smoking man evicted from Harrod's baby-changing room, "We have not seen such an attack on our civil liberties since a lout from Lincolnshire with an appallingly bad haircut beheaded a short Scottish bloke called Stuart for closing Parliament." Others suggested to us that nothing less than an unholy crusade — or possibly even a jihad — is being waged against an Englishman's right to over-indulge himself into an early grave.

This crusade to which they refer is, of course, the government's sweeping new plans to ban smoking in pubs, restaurants, bus shelters and other enclosed public places, excluding public toilets and Turkish baths freqented by Ministers and senior civil servants.

Utterpants welcomes this laudable campaign to treat smokers as sub-human criminals with no more right to tread the soil of our green and pleasant land than a filthy kiddie-fiddler with tertiary syphilis. The news has wrung howls of protest from the cancerous throats of the UK's remaining twenty-seven nicotine junkies who predict it can only be a matter of time before our beloved Albion succumbs to the despotic puritans who would deprive them of their one remaining pleasure.

What these selfish apologists for the tobacco industry forget is that 5,000 innocent lives are cruelly snuffed out every year by other peoples' second-hand fumes, or so the anti-smoking lobby tells us. We'll take their word for that if they will take our word that bicycle-related accidents cause approximately 4,999.75 deaths a year.
Co-incidence? We think not.

While we agree that the terrible human cost of smoking must be addressed, we demand that all risks to our kiddies' futures be treated equally seriously. As responsible citizens don't we owe it to our little nippers to ban bicycles before another innocent young life is lost?
One fervent public health spokescrusader who we didn't actually contact, but who insisted on coming to our offices and shouting loudly through the letterbox, confirmed that smoking-related diseases will in future be treated at the smoker's own expense. That sounds fair enough to us.
"Why should the non-smoker pay?" demanded the angry activist. "After all, do smokers pay extra tax to inflict their filthy habit on the rest of us? Do they buggery!"

Quite right we say. Do kiddie-fiddlers get free board and lodging and psychiatric treatment at our expense? No they bloody well don't. Making fag addicts stump up in cash, in advance, for cancer treatment is exactly the sort of hands-on, direct action we like here at Utterpants. In fact, we think it's such a good idea that we recommend it should be extended. Fat people would be a good start. We know that these clinically obese gluttons deliberately stuff themselves with crisps, chips, chocolate and oven-ready microwaveable pizzas to get themselves a fast-track, heart-attack driven passport to intensive care easy street. Let the ugly fat bastards pay for their own coronary bypasses, we say! It goes without saying that all alcohol-related illnesses should also be treated at the drinker's expense, and in the case of those indigenous Guinness-swilling soaks who supported the Irish smoking ban, double the expense.

Obesity causes huge health problems and costs tasty-looking thin birds like me a fortune in medical insurance. Why don't you fat, ugly women stop filling your faces with fish suppers and get some bloody exercise? Or try walking the rug-rats to school instead of driving them there in your smelly, diesel 4x4's? Better still, jog to school and smoke a couple of fags on the way. That should shed a few pounds.
On the other hand, we were told that jogging can cause knee and ankle problems, so it seems only fair that conscientious pavement pounders should pay for any knee and foot repairs themselves. Dangerous sports are another area long overdue for legislation. Why should you or I pay for a hip replacement for some rich stockbroker who's fallen base over apex in a Piste-related accident in Klosters? According to a recent survey conducted by the Fitter Britain Association, sports-related injuries cost the UK £106,437,000 every year. Let the football hooligans pay for their own broken ankles we say.

After kicking irresponsible sports fanatics into touch, we suggest the Government tackle the thorny problem of history. It's criminally irresponsible to allow monsters like Winston Churchill to appear in books. Not only did he chain-smoke obscenely large cigars, he drank huge amounts of alcohol, was grossly overweight, and never exercised. We don't know if he was ever responsible for a bicycle-related accident, but with a track record like his, anything's possible. And we call this monster a national hero? Is this any kind of example to be setting our kids? No, it isn't, so let's erase the fat, drunken smoker from the history books altogether and bring the health-conscious Adolf Hitler out of the closet. Utterpants can think of no better example of responsible and considerate behaviour than the slim, non-smoking, teetotal vegetarian with his legendary love of animals. His personal habits should be an example to us all, and his life a reminder of what a truly healthy lifestyle can achieve. Remember: Adolf Hitler didn't smoke!

But perhaps the worst example of inconsiderate, self-destructive behaviour that threatens the health of our nation is the increasing number of middle-aged men suffering heart attacks during the monthly execution of their conjugal rights. This must be looked at urgently. If the image of pot-bellied proto-wrinklies porking an eighteen-year-old beauty does not fill you with disgust, think about the poor paramedics who have to go in and clear up the mess. And, once again, it's us who foot the bill.

Sunbathing is another activity which cannot be allowed to continue; the skin cancer risk is simply too great. Middle-aged gentlemen who are reckless enough to enjoy a post-coital cigar with a flighty floozy whilst riding a bicycle on a sun-drenched beach, should probably just be shot out of hand to save us all another massive tax hike.

Implementing such sweeping improvements in the health of our citizens might run into some resistance, but we are confident that — just as the appointment of a drugs 'czar' several years ago has practically wiped out the use of illegal substances — persuading the nation to voluntarily give up smoking, eating, drinking, football, skiing, sunbathing and sex should not prove insurmountable; which is more than we can say for one of the problems associated with bicycle-riding. But we can tackle that later.

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