|Determined to get to the bottom of the declining dental health of US teens despite a massive and sudden rise in the sales of electric toothbrushes, utterpants has discovered the cause: they make excellent vibrators|
US Business analysts now speculate that the sudden sales surge would have been even more remarkable had the versatility of the dental tool—or 'lovebrush'—not first been discovered by secretive thirteen-year-old British teenagers. Now the fashionable sex toy you can take anywhere has crossed the pond and is being snapped up by millions of devout US teens as a way of saving their little cherries for Jesus—or possibly an overweight, Republican Realtor—whilst still getting their rocks off after meals and before bedtime.
“Like, y'know, my mom would totally freak if she found an electric dick in my purse and real sex with guys is just right out," explained fourteen-year-old Jody Muffdiver with a triumphant pout of her cherry-red lips. "But my cute little pink lovebrush just makes her smile. When I told her how much it cost, she gave me the money back and said how proud she was I was looking after my teeth. She even gave me forty bucks to get my twelve-year-old sis one. Now when Dad walks by the bathroom and hears our lovebrushes buzzing, he's so happy, and so are we!”
“Besides,” gushed her pretty, blond-haired friend, Kimmi
Sapphos (14), “we're not allowed in adult shops, even
the Amish ones, so the drug and discount stores get our business.
And the sales people are so nice! When I bought my toothbrush the druggist
told me to use it at least three times a day, and I’ve been doing
“Our whole family used the same handle, but we each had our separate brushes," fourteen-year-old Kitty Clittybuck told utterpants with a shy smile. “It worked for a couple of years. That’s how they’re sold, the handle is the important, long, vibrating part, and the brushes just clip in and out for those rare times you actually use it for your teeth. Of course my mom, dad and little sister didn’t understand why I’d always burst out laughing at the sight of them brushing their teeth. They were like holding my big dick, fresh from my puss, right up to their mouths like they were about to suck it! It was too funny! I supposed I should have washed it occasionally, though, especially after I got into anal. Everyone started bitching about the smell, and then my sister caught me pleasuring my puddy with it. She didn’t say anything though, in fact she’s said nothing since. We go visit her in the institution every other Sunday. We’d visit more often but they say she needs more medication every time she sees me.”
"So what exactly do you girls—um—do, with your electric toothbrushes?" we asked Kitty. Her friend, Lisa, a fifteen-year-old Jamie-Lynn Spears lookalike with the face of an angel was only too eager to drop her pretty pink, Barney the Dinosaur panties and show us, but we persuaded her to keep them on and tell us instead, much to the disappointment of our forty-two-year-old male photographer.
"I like lay on the floor in the bathroom with nothing on," began the little clit-teaser breathlessly. "Then I grab my lovebrush and spread my legs. Then I put the brush right on top of my clit, first on one side, then the other. Usually one side is more sensitive than the other. If I really wanna drive myself wild, I leave the toothbrush on that side for most of the time. Then I rub the bristles over my clit and push my pussy hard against it and I tease myself for as long as I can stand and then slide the handle inside and have an awesome orgasm! I've been doing it since I was ten. I just love that fucking toothbrush. I cum so fucking hard I go all stiff and start shaking all over."
“Definitely buy a lovebrush for yourself” enthused thirteen-year-old Candy Finger. “My parents bought one for me and my two big sisters, and each of us thought we were the only ones using it to pleasure ourselves. We all got the clap, and we were still virgins! I mean, it's no fun telling your friends you caught gonorrhoea from your own sisters.”
Older users have recently discovered the dental dildo, and the results have been dramatic. “I always take it on dates,” twenty-two-year-old manicurist, Atoyma Cavern, told us. “Young men are so incompetent you know you won’t come half the time. So they’re done in three minutes, and I head for the bathroom. Nothing wrong with a girl having some privacy for cleaning her teeth,” she grinned.
“I like the dual purpose capability” said Sergeant Hymen Electra, a pretty American Special Forces interrogator serving in Iraq. “In the Army, you have to travel light. So having a combination toothbrush and vibrator cuts the weight in half. Mine came with the standard four brushes, one for the teeth, one is a nifty boot polisher, one cleans my electric cattle prod, and the fourth, the stiff one, I use for giving a nasty jolt to the butts of the insurgentory assholes I have to interrogate! Of course I hate it when I have a hangover and mix them up. One night my lieutenant stayed overnight, and asked if he could use one of my unused brushes for his teeth. Well, I couldn’t very well tell him they’d all been used, could I? He’s a macho man; he chose the stiff one, and had a weird look on his face for a few days.”
Anita Biggun, from Ohio, likes the battery charger feature. “It eliminates batteries”, she said. “You can’t really have your dildo sitting on the bathroom counter charging up, but the electric toothbrush is perfectly ok. Your guests think you’re really a clean girl with superior hygiene, when all you’re really doing is saving the trouble and expense of keeping your dildo in batteries.”
“I like it for traveling” gushed thirty-year-old Dallas businesswoman Chlamydia McWanker. “It was always so embarrassing getting my bags inspected in the airport, and my big, black twelve inch dildo getting waved around by the inspectors, them turning it on, then putting on the table, buzzing away, as a crowd gathered. But now,” she winked suggestively, “I'm just carrying my toothbrush. And I look perfectly normal taking it to the bathroom during long flights!”
Approached for comment, electric toothbrush executives were reluctant to grant us an interview. Hazel LaCooch, public relations director for one manufacturer, spoke to utterpants cautiously: “Of course we’ve noticed the upsurge in sales, and we’re quite gratified that US women are so dedicated to, uh, dental hygiene. We’re responding to the market with better shaped handles, larger sizes, faster speeds and greater, um, teeth cleaning action. It seems I’m testing a new, improved model lovebrush—er, I mean toothbrush, every day." Hazel grimaced slightly as she crossed her tanned legs. "And of course we're making softer brushes, redesigning the lube—uh, I mean, water pick and working on pheromone floss. Our goal is to give today’s woman the best smile ever!”
Read the followup: Electric toothbrush teen sex health shock!
Story © Don Pitts 2005. Picture and construction © utterpants.co.uk /060605