The survey, conducted by the independent market research company, Rabbits R Us, on behalf of the British Dental Association (BDA), reported that over 82% of thirteen-year-old girls have pleasured themselves to an explosive orgasm at least once with an electric toothbrush, and that more than two thirds of sixteen-year-olds spend up to three hours a day polishing their throbbing love buttons when they should be cleaning their decaying teeth. More worryingly, over half of the 27,000 teenage girls who took part in the survey reported reduced sensitivity after prolonged use of the DIY lovebrush and more than 50% complained of pain and burning during marathon masturbation bouts—some of which lasted up to four hours.

The survey has so shocked British parents that many have resorted to accompanying their kids to the bathroom while others are offering complete strangers huge wodges of cash to deflower their daughters in a desperate bid to wean these depraved Lolitas off their electric toys. Mums who were once only too happy to buy their girls electric toothbrushes in the mistaken belief that it would improve their appalling dental health, have discovered that the little angels are neglecting their ivories in their rush to get down and dirty with Britain's newest and most fashionable sex toy.

The latest generation of 'intelligent' toothbrushes—which react to pressure on the handle by speeding up or slowing down and rotate as well as vibrate—now outsell tri-band, Bluetooth enabled, camera mobile phones by ten to one. When it comes to the quest for the 'coolest' orgasm on the street (or behind the bus shelter), it seems that ultra-hip British teens are falling over their white Nike trainers to dump their vibrating 'mobes' and snap up the new 'lekky lovebrushes.'

Dr Marit Sigmundsdottir didn't mince her words when we asked the world-famous Icelandic trisexual therapist what she thought of this latest sex craze over a Macchiato at the Purley Hilton hotel. "Electric toothbrushes can cause untold damage to the delicate tissues of our lady lips. Our love button was never intended to be excited by a vibrating brush on a stick, though some bloke's willies are sufficiently hairy to make a passable imitation of one. But I have yet to encounter a willy that rotates on its own axis and has interchangeable heads."

"Make no mistake," commented a shifty-looking bloke in a white lab coat who took time out from cloning rabbits to talk exclusively to utterpants, "These shameless teen sluts—some barely out of their nappies—are brushing their way to infertility, blindness, facial excema and an early grave."

But what do the teenage girls who took part in the survey think about the health risks? We put this question to one cum-happy fourteen-year-old who admitted to owning no less than eight electric toothbrushes.
"I aint stupid," replied Jade Gussett, a belly-baring brunette from South London. "I wrap da handle of me lovebrush in a condom and always wash it afterwards, innit."
"That's not exactly what we meant," we replied. "Don't you know that the bristles can irreparably damage your vagina?"
Jade tossed back her pretty hair with a carefree laugh. "Who gives a fuck? 'K, sometimes my clitty gets a bit sore and I keep buying more powerful lovebrushes to get myself off, but it just feels so fucking great I don't ever wanna stop. Wanna try it?"
"No thanks," we replied and left the cum-hungry little moppet to brush her way to another multiple orgasm, seemingly oblivious to the risks she was running.

Risks one tearful young woman we interviewed, who asked to remain anonymous, is only too familiar with. "I started using an electric toothbrush when I was thirteen," sobbed Natasha Dickson of 42 Lesbia Lane, South Mimms, "I found that when I used the brush on my clitoris, I could have a really intense orgasm. I would cum like really hard in just one or two seconds. As time went on it took longer and longer to climax. Sometimes up to three minutes or more. Then it started to hurt and often I'd have to put a T-shirt or something over the toothbrush to make it less intense. Sometimes my pussy would burn for hours afterwards and I knew I must be causing damage. Well, I'm almost twenty-two now and I find it hard—if not impossible—to have an orgasm by getting my cat to eat me out. I don't feel a thing with a regular vibrator because it's not as strong as my toothbrush. And now I can't come during intercourse with my fiancé—not that I ever did because his willy is just too small. Electric toothbrushes have totally ruined my life."

We asked Dr Sigmundsdottir just how widespread this shocking abuse was.
"It's an epidemic of tsunami proportions," she replied sharply. "These stupid little sluts are turning their love tunnels into barbecued, chopped steak. Coupled with the continuing misuse of mobile phones we are seeing increasing numbers of ever younger girls with fried and frazzled pussies."
"Why's that?"
"As the abuse continues, surface scar tissue forms to protect the delicate nerve endings of the vagina and clitoris which are irreparably damaged by the bristles of these new, high-speed brushes. Eventually, the ability to trigger an orgasm is entirely lost, not to mention the risks of infection, infertility and anal sex."
"Anal sex?" we asked.
"Well...once they've fucked up their little pussies what else is left but the tradesman's entrance?"

Read the previous report: Teen Sluts snap up Electric Toothbrushes
Read the followup: UK to ban Electric toothbrush 'Sex Toys'

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