With top-level co.uk domain names selling for as little as a tenner and the availability of 3G picture-in-picture mobile telephones, Britain's cash-strapped cheeky chits have been selling off their used knickers to panty-obsessed Americans desperate to get their hands — or possibly another part of their anatomy — on the musky panties of sixteen-year-old English schoolgirls. Veteran Californian pornographers are said to be 'devastated' by this new assault on the beleaguered US adult entertainment industry, already reeling from President Bush's 'clean up America' campaign.

Bruce Arschweiper of 'Anal Destruction Inc' was typical of the US pornographers we spoke to:
"It was bad enough when the Dutch moved in on our action; I mean their dogs are bigger than ours and sex is legal over there at fourteen. But the government blocks most of their websites so we were able to get back in the game. Then these British kids came along with their friggin' panty scam and just creamed our butts. They aren't breakin' no US laws so there's nothing we can do to stop them. If this goes on millions of Americans are gonna be out of a job and a lotta cheerleaders aint gonna make it through college."

Utterpants put this to one sixteen-year-old girl who asked to remain anonymous when we interviewed her behind the bike shed at a Staines Comprehensive School.
"Fuck 'em," replied the unrepentant nymphet with a provocative pout. "My mum gives me, like, ten quid a week pocket money and I get another ten from delivering videos for a porn shop, but that doesn't even pay for a pair of Nikes, know what I mean? Why should I have to go without life's little luxuries when I can make a hundred quid a week selling my dirty knickers on the Net?"
"That seems like an awful lot of money to pay for a used pair of panties," we commented.

"Don't be stupid," retorted the teenage entrepreneur tartly, "That's for ten pairs, not one!"
"Good heavens!" we replied, "We had no idea teenagers masturbated so much."
"Don't be stupid. I don't cum in all of them, I pee in some and get my cat to pee in the rest."
"Why a cat?" we asked.
"Coz I don't wanna get done under the Trades Descriptions Act."
"We don't follow you?" we asked.
"My ad says the knickers are hot, wet and musky from my pussy. Like hello? I couldn't claim that if I'd let my dog pee in them, could I?"

We asked a spokestypeperson from OffWEB — the UK regulatory authority — what law these girls were breaking by selling freshly-worn, cat-soiled underwear on the Internet.
"Look," complained the bespectacled civil-servant testily, "It's not just about panties. These schoolgirls are selling used gymslips, uniforms, capri pants, crop tops and even their mother's tights and Elle MacPherson thongs."
"Yes, but what laws are they breaking?" we persisted.
"British anti-terrorism laws."
"Since when are dirty knickers a terrorist threat?"
"Since the Home Secretary classified soiled ladies' underwear as a 'biological weapon of mass destruction."
"When did he do that?"
"Shortly after George Bush telephoned him to complain that twenty-seven high school students from Idaho had been asphyxiated by used panties they brought from British schoolgirls on the Internet."

"Astonishing!" we replied. "Will they recover?"
"I doubt it. They all choked to death."
"Choked?"
"Apparently they read somewhere on the Internet that if you put an orange in your mouth and cover your face with a pair of filthy undies worn by an English virgin you will have the most explosive orgasm you've ever experienced."
"And did they?"
"How the hell should I know? The silly buggers are dead!"

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