The revolutionary new tunnel teaser, which is already on sale in Britain and Europe, is set to hit US stores next month. Shaken sex industry analysts are predicting the multi-function pleasure centre will set off a 'buying tsunami of tidal wave proportions' that will make conventional vibrators as redundant as penises. Within hours of the announcement, manufacturers of cell phones and electric toothbrushes, whose products have become essential sexual accessories among chic fourteen-somethings, began throwing themselves off rooftops as their bottom lines went south.

None of which is good news for Lola Sapphos, the self-proclaimed architect of the 'Dildo Revolution' which has swept the penis out of the bedrooms and back passages of America. It is something of an irony that the woman who single-handedly encouraged American women to forsake their vibrating electrical gadgets in favour of the penis-shaped dildo should be undone by a penis-shaped dildo masquerading as a vibrating electrical gadget.

When Utterpants telephoned Ms Sapphos at her lakeside home in the aptly named Intercourse, Michigan, she declined to be interviewed, but remained on the line long enough to shout that she would 'Scratch that fucking Limey bitch's eyes out!' The bitch in question being London heiress and the inventor of the new, multi-function Swiss Army sex toy—Lady Tamara Beauchamp.

Lola Sapphos' rage is understandable. No one has done more to prise womens' thighs away from their electric razors, electric toothbrushes, cell phones and anything else that vibrates long enough to pleasure themselves with, than the thirty-four-year old vibrator mentor to the stars. It's largely thanks to Lola that the ubiquitous 'Rabbit' popularised by 'Sex and the City' now finds a home in almost every knicker drawer and purse throughout the United States. Or, as she put it at the time: 'Millions of penis-shaped vibrators came out of hiding when I said women preferred their vibrators to be the perfect shape of an erect dick.' Plastic penises now peep out of purses and pockets and are carried openly in holsters and quivers, or dangle ostentatiously from chains around womens’ necks. All of which is thanks to Lola screaming 'We’re horny as hell and we’re not hiding them anymore!' on prime-time TV, before 'hiding' hers in her favourite place and going on to pleasure herself in front of millions of astonished American viewers.

While the US Dildo Revolution started with adult women, it quickly trickled down to teenage girls. Seeing their teachers, mums and even maiden aunts openly brandishing their throbbing tunnel-huggers, the plastic penis quickly became a 'must have' accessory in every school playground, usually turned so the brand logo was clearly visible. Within weeks, sales of electric toothbrushes, razors and cell phones plummeted. As Ms Sapphos explained at the time: 'A girl brushes her teeth, shaves her body hair and carries a cell phone to snag a man. Now that we can carry our vibrators with us everywhere, who needs a man?' But even as the manufacturers of these products wrung their hands and filed for bankruptcy, Lady Tamara Beauchamp was quietly piloting her Lear jet to Switzerland.

The softly spoken British aristocrat took up the story over a Macchiato at her luxurious designer loft apartment overlooking London's docklands.
"Like Lola I was bothered by all the women using vibrating electric gadgets to drive themselves to a shattering orgasm several times a day and yet..." Lady Tamara paused to light the first of many cigarettes and crossed her shapely legs.
"And?" we asked.
"...Well—to be perfectly frank, a mobile phone is much more discreet to carry around with one than an enormous plastic willy. But it's not a lot of use when it's halfway up one's love tunnel and your boss rings you up on it. You may think I'm awfully rich—well, actually I am, but I still can't bring myself to throw anything away. So when my favourite rabbit—" she paused to stifle a giggle with her elegantly manicured hand—"um, Gerald—packed up on me...typical...should have chosen a girly name...I couldn't bear to chuck him out. Well, he still performed better than most blokes even without the batteries. But it wasn't until I started keeping stuff in his...um...bottom that it hit me..."
She blushed and flicked a speck of ash from her immaculate Armani trouser suit.
"Bottom?" we asked.
"Yah—the bit where the batteries go, y'know? Lipstick, eyebrow pencil, pepper spray—that kind of thing. There's so much wasted space in those things, isn't there? That's when it hit me."

"What did?"
"Swish sex."
"Swish sex?" we repeated.
" A really swish rabbit that doubles as a cellphone, compact, lipstick, diary, or anything else a woman wants—just by snapping in different attachments or unscrewing bits of it. Now a vibrator could be more than just a plastic willy and I knew where to find the technology."
"In Switzerland?"

She nodded and laughed. "The makers of the Swiss Army Knife didn’t know what hit them when I first presented my ideas to them, but once they saw the potential, they fell over themselves to produce a prototype. Within six months we had Swiss Wonder Wabbits on sale in shops all across London. Now we're about to hit the States with them."

"So we gathered," we said. "We understand that Ms Sapphos is not too pleased by the prospect."
Tamara giggled and flicked back a strand of her raven hair. "Tough. The silly tart will just have to get used to it, won't she?"
"Can we see the US model?" we asked.
"Oh yah!" enthused Tamara, diving into her handbag and pulling out a surprisingly compact tool that looked rather like a bulbous iPod.
"The American model incorporates a toothbrush, lipstick, eyeliner, mascara and razor attachments and a compact cellphone," she gushed. “It was really very easy. The plastic penises already had a motor and mobile phones are so tiny now—even the ones with digital cameras. Now a girl can click in her attachments and put on her face while she uses the phone to dump her boyfriend. Then she can shave her pussy and snap a quick photo to show him what he won’t be getting anymore."
"Astonishing!" we replied.

"Oh, that's just the basic model," Tamara rattled on excitedly. “There's been a self-warming dildo for years, but we've increased the heat on the Swiss Wonder Wabbit to turn it into an iron. Pour a little water into the tip and you’ve got a super tool to iron out those embarrassing creases in your party frock. There's also a cosmetics pack so a girl can use her dildo to put on lipstick, mascara, and whatever else she may need, all within the head of her plastic willy."
"What about protection?" we asked.
"I'm glad you brought that up. Customers can choose to have their Swiss Wonder Wabbit equipped with a taser, pepper spray, pussy teeth—"
"—Pussy teeth?" we asked.
"Yah...well, there's nothing worse than a wanker who won't take no for an answer, is there?"

Tamara switched the top of her Swiss Wonder Wabbit for a pink, penis-shaped attachment and giggled as she retracted the head to expose a lethal ring of razor sharp, steel blades. "Um...it's a bit of a special this. But a girl who's being nagged to have anal sex might want to use it on her partner to discourage him."
We winced as she demonstrated the attachment on a banana in her fruit bowl.
"But usually we just supply a really loud rape whistle! Here—” she said, pushing the front of another dildo into the mouth of our reporter, “—blow this one!”

When we'd recovered our hearing we asked her what was next.
“Feminine hygiene,” she explained. “We'll have condoms, tampons, sanitary towels, douches—even pregnancy testing kits—whatever a girl might want—built right into the body of her Swiss Wonder Wabbit. And look—” she said, deftly flipping the head of another model with her thumb and lighting her cigarette with the tiny flame that erupted from the tip "— a lighter! Of course, that's only for sale in the UK and Europe. We wouldn't want to encourage young girls to smoke in the States."

"We understand that US Christian fundamentalists have lambasted your invention as 'The Devil's Prong' and asked the Senate to ban it's importation on the grounds that it undermines the traditional American virtues of sexual abstinence and celibacy. What do you say to that?"
"We've mailed one to Mrs Bush," Lady Tamara giggled. "And Dr. Laura Schlessinger."
"Well that should pull the rug out from under the anti-sex campaigners. And Ms Sapphos?" we added.
"She'll just have to fork out $199.99 for a Swiss Wonder Wabbit like everyone else."
$199.99?" we repeated. "Put us down for a dozen. With St Saph's Day coming up they'll make an ideal present for the woman who has everything."

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Story © Miranda Givings & Don Pitts 2006. Picture & construction © utterpants.co.uk / 230206