|Clit-tickling American sex goddess, Lola Sapphos, was under sedation tonight after a British inventor launched what the press has dubbed 'the Swiss Army Knife of sex toys.'|
The revolutionary new tunnel teaser, which is already on sale in Britain and Europe, is set to hit US stores next month. Shaken sex industry analysts are predicting the multi-function pleasure centre will set off a 'buying tsunami of tidal wave proportions' that will make conventional vibrators as redundant as penises. Within hours of the announcement, manufacturers of cell phones and electric toothbrushes, whose products have become essential sexual accessories among chic fourteen-somethings, began throwing themselves off rooftops as their bottom lines went south.
None of which is good news for Lola Sapphos, the self-proclaimed architect of the 'Dildo Revolution' which has swept the penis out of the bedrooms and back passages of America. It is something of an irony that the woman who single-handedly encouraged American women to forsake their vibrating electrical gadgets in favour of the penis-shaped dildo should be undone by a penis-shaped dildo masquerading as a vibrating electrical gadget.
When Utterpants telephoned Ms Sapphos at her lakeside home in the aptly named Intercourse, Michigan, she declined to be interviewed, but remained on the line long enough to shout that she would 'Scratch that fucking Limey bitch's eyes out!' The bitch in question being London heiress and the inventor of the new, multi-function Swiss Army sex toy—Lady Tamara Beauchamp.
Lola Sapphos' rage is understandable. No one has done more to prise womens' thighs away from their electric razors, electric toothbrushes, cell phones and anything else that vibrates long enough to pleasure themselves with, than the thirty-four-year old vibrator mentor to the stars. It's largely thanks to Lola that the ubiquitous 'Rabbit' popularised by 'Sex and the City' now finds a home in almost every knicker drawer and purse throughout the United States. Or, as she put it at the time: 'Millions of penis-shaped vibrators came out of hiding when I said women preferred their vibrators to be the perfect shape of an erect dick.' Plastic penises now peep out of purses and pockets and are carried openly in holsters and quivers, or dangle ostentatiously from chains around womens’ necks. All of which is thanks to Lola screaming 'We’re horny as hell and we’re not hiding them anymore!' on prime-time TV, before 'hiding' hers in her favourite place and going on to pleasure herself in front of millions of astonished American viewers.
While the US Dildo Revolution started with adult women, it quickly trickled down to teenage girls. Seeing their teachers, mums and even maiden aunts openly brandishing their throbbing tunnel-huggers, the plastic penis quickly became a 'must have' accessory in every school playground, usually turned so the brand logo was clearly visible. Within weeks, sales of electric toothbrushes, razors and cell phones plummeted. As Ms Sapphos explained at the time: 'A girl brushes her teeth, shaves her body hair and carries a cell phone to snag a man. Now that we can carry our vibrators with us everywhere, who needs a man?' But even as the manufacturers of these products wrung their hands and filed for bankruptcy, Lady Tamara Beauchamp was quietly piloting her Lear jet to Switzerland.
The softly spoken British aristocrat took up the story over a Macchiato at her luxurious designer loft apartment overlooking London's docklands.
She nodded and laughed. "The makers of the Swiss Army Knife didn’t know what hit them when I first presented my ideas to them, but once they saw the potential, they fell over themselves to produce a prototype. Within six months we had Swiss Wonder Wabbits on sale in shops all across London. Now we're about to hit the States with them."
"So we gathered," we said. "We understand that Ms Sapphos is not too pleased by the prospect."
"Oh, that's just the basic model," Tamara rattled on excitedly. “There's been a self-warming dildo for years, but we've increased the heat on the Swiss Wonder Wabbit to turn it into an iron. Pour a little water into the tip and you’ve got a super tool to iron out those embarrassing creases in your party frock. There's also a cosmetics pack so a girl can use her dildo to put on lipstick, mascara, and whatever else she may need, all within the head of her plastic willy."
Tamara switched the top of her Swiss Wonder Wabbit for a pink, penis-shaped attachment and giggled as she retracted the head to expose a lethal ring of razor sharp, steel blades. "Um...it's a bit of a special this. But a girl who's being nagged to have anal sex might want to use it on her partner to discourage him."
When we'd recovered our hearing we asked her what was next.
"We understand that US Christian fundamentalists have lambasted your invention as 'The Devil's Prong' and asked the Senate to ban it's importation on the grounds that it undermines the traditional American virtues of sexual abstinence and celibacy. What do you say to that?"
Story © Miranda Givings & Don Pitts 2006. Picture & construction © utterpants.co.uk / 230206