Rapist Snow Joke says Police Chief
|An icy spectre is stalking America's Midwest. A spectre whose crimes have so shocked the sexually modest daughters of America, that many have fled to Florida rather than risk a fate worse than death at his chilly hands—or possibly another, stiffer part of his frozen anatomy|
The trouble started earlier this winter when several snowmen in the small town of Broken Springs, Michigan, were sexually assaulted by a rapist on the run. Police knew he was on the run because a trail of widely-spaced, incriminating footprints led away from his traumatized victims. But as winter tightened its icy grip on this isolated, inbred community of 2,008 (not counting the sheep), the rapist continued his perverted sex-spree, despite the best efforts of the local police to capture him.
In a country that has built a multi-million dollar industry on the bizarre sexual fetishes of half of it's citizens while the other half live in fear of catching sight of a naked midriff, the serial rapist stalking Broken Springs has infected the population with a level of hysteria not seen since Janet Jackson exposed her left breast at the Superbowl.
Lured on by the prospect of immortality in America's annals of sexual perversion, the chilly spectre has systematically worked his way through this terrified community, one snowtypeperson at a time. He has even taunted local law enforcement with letters to the media, signed 'Frosty’s Lover,' accompanied by cryptic messages such as, 'The Iceman Cometh again and again and again.'
Our woman on the spot began by asking local police chief, Hank 'six pack' Fersticke, if this wasn't just a schoolboy prank—or 'snow joke.'
According to Fersticke, the following week Ms Bukkake told him that her snowmen were toppled over and demanded an investigation, but the sheriff was on vacation and by the time he got back all evidence of wrongdoing had melted away. Then two weeks later local masseuse, Jenna Jerkowitz, made an official complaint about trespassers in her yard. “But it was no use investigating that either," sheriff Fersticke explained, "because all we would’ve found was our own footprints from a stake out to see what she was up to in that new hot tub of hers with one o' them illegal, Swiss Sex toys."
It wasn’t until after Christmas when Carl Peckerwood found what he described as a 'hole' in the buttocks of one of his snowmen that the sheriff began to suspect foul play. Why Peckerwood was inspecting the buttocks of his snowmen at 4 o-clock in the morning dressed only in his shorts has not been clearly established, but the Brokeback Mountain fan assured Utterpants that his curious kids found it first. After that, reports flooded in of snowmen being sodomized left, right and centre, as well as up and down and a few other positions even our reporter had never heard of.
A snowman on the corner of Main and Butt streets was found with a pool cue buried between its semen-stained buttocks. Another was found lying on its back with its legs in the air in the local cemetery gasping for breath. In one brutal incident, a snowman was dismembered and anally violated with his own nose. But perhaps the most shocking discovery was made by local bartender, Jody Muffdiver, who discovered two snowomen in the back of her pickup truck engaged in what traumatized deputy, Wayne Daniels, described as 'unnatural acts of an un-American nature.'
Rigorous scientific investigation, including forensic analysis and genetic fingerprinting has revealed the rapist to be 'sensitive, yet secretive, with a fondness for taking long walks on a beach at sunset.' Sheriff Fersticke assured Utterpants that an arrest was imminent, adding helpfully: "I urge all citizens to bring in their snowmen at night and be on the lookout for a suspicious lookin' man wearing size 11 boots sporting a frozen stiffy.
Story © 2006 Jenny Corvette. Picture & Design © 2006 utterpants.co.uk / 070306