Sex with vegetables
|In a bid to stem the rising tide of hospital admissions among young women, The Government today announced its intention to slap health warnings on 'phallic-shaped' vegetables and Fruity 'sex toys'|
"We are right behind the Government on this one," a bubbly, 37-year-old spokestypewoman for Tesco—Britain's leading supermarket chain—told Utterpants breathlessly. "Our stores are no longer prepared to turn a blind eye to the shocking abuse of vegetables by a sick minority of depraved women."
Among the list of unsavoury produce on the Government’s hit list are courgettes, cucumbers, bananas, carrots and squashes, which will have to carry a Goverment Health warning that: 'improper use is liable to corrupt and deprave, and may lead to surgical intervention'. But that is just the thin edge of an extremely wide veg—or, wedge, as UK Minister for Sexual Health, Dr Frank Carrott, was at pains to point out to our researcher. "Only last week," the bespectacled women's health campaigner told us, "I saw a woman in my local Waitrose casually put a phallic-shaped butternut squash, a tub of marge and a packet of King Size condoms on the conveyor. Now what sort of example does that set to my two teenage daughters?"
"Well, at least she's practising safe
sex," we commented.
Consumer watchdog, WhatVeg?
were quick to pounce on the new health warnings, claiming that "this
is a cynical move to drive up the price of fruit and veg ahead of the
Minister's proposed new legislation."
Digging up the dirt
my wife turned veggie I'm lucky to get a shag once a month," complained
Arthur Scutbucket (48).
Larry Lamb, of the anti-vegetable charity MoreMeat, said: "Your poll clearly shows that the public is demanding action to end these sick practices. The veggie-lovers have had it their own way for far too long. It is time decent British women stood up for the right to enjoy a big, meaty sausage at home and in the workplace. This is the single most effective thing the Government can do to slash Accident and Emergency hospital bills and protect our young women from the evils of self-abuse."
"There should be restrictions on the marketing of vegetables to children through television and other media," added a concerned mother, whose sixteen-year-old daughter, Sharon, recently underwent an uncomfortable surgical procedure to remove two leeks and half a cucumber from her furry front bottom.
Peeling aside the seamy
underbelly of Vegetable abuse
Our researcher was appalled by what she dug up on the Internet. Not only are there thousands of porn sites depicting the most graphic acts of vegetable abuse, but respectable organisations are shamelessly promoting this unnatural vice. The official website of the UK Vegetarian Association gets straight down to business with the titillating headline: 'Forget the sex therapist—visit the greengrocer'. But there's worse to come.
The site blatantly describes asparagus as 'an erotic shaped vegetable' and goes on to reveal that Avocado was known to the Aztecs as 'ahucatl'—which our researcher discovered means 'testicle'. The innocent carrot is described as 'a particularly effective aphrodisiac' and celery as 'arousing'. The only concession to outraged public decency is a tiny disclaimer at the bottom of the web page which reads: 'The UK Vegetarian Association cannot be held responsible for the activities resulting from the use of these vegetables.'
"This is a bit like British-American Tobacco saying that they won't be held responsible for the activity resulting from lighting up a fag," commented Dr Carrott. "I mean—it's not as if anyone's going to actually eat these vegetables after these filthy sluts have finished with them, are they?"
The UK Vegetarian Association website goes on to reveal that 34% of vegetarians find ultimate satisfaction in the succulent delights of a big, juicy squash and 24% regularly enjoy an extra large courgette with a little sauce on the side. We were equally shocked to find that 20% of women had savoured the delights of 'knobbly' okra and more than 37% regularly took carrots to work with them. Utterpants was horrified to discover that leading celebrities are actively encouraging women to have sex with vegetables—and we don't mean their couch-potato husbands. American Porn Star, Tara Reid, makes no secret of her love affair with the leek while Britney Spears is apparently 'mad for purple-tipped asparagus.'
When we contacted the UK Vegetarian Association for their comments, an angry spokestypeperson told us defensively: "Every woman does it. From teenagers to grandmothers. Our members include mothers with babies, as well as lawyers and accountants, and they're very popular with couples. Remember these are just playthings to the sophisticated, modern woman—like the toys you had as a child, only these are playthings for adults."
"Tell that to the junior doctor who has
to go in there and clean up the mess these irresponsible women make,"
With entrenched attitudes such as these, Utterpants can only applaud Tesco's initiative to root out vegetable sex and commend the Minister for Sexual Health for his timely and responsible action.
Story © 2004 utterpants.co.uk /021204 rev030305 / 300905