"We are right behind the Government on this one," a bubbly, 37-year-old spokestypewoman for Tesco—Britain's leading supermarket chain—told Utterpants breathlessly. "Our stores are no longer prepared to turn a blind eye to the shocking abuse of vegetables by a sick minority of depraved women."

Among the list of unsavoury produce on the Government’s hit list are courgettes, cucumbers, bananas, carrots and squashes, which will have to carry a Goverment Health warning that: 'improper use is liable to corrupt and deprave, and may lead to surgical intervention'. But that is just the thin edge of an extremely wide veg—or, wedge, as UK Minister for Sexual Health, Dr Frank Carrott, was at pains to point out to our researcher. "Only last week," the bespectacled women's health campaigner told us, "I saw a woman in my local Waitrose casually put a phallic-shaped butternut squash, a tub of marge and a packet of King Size condoms on the conveyor. Now what sort of example does that set to my two teenage daughters?"

"Well, at least she's practising safe sex," we commented.
"That's as maybe," snorted Dr Carrott. "My proposed new Vegetable Abuse Bill will soon wipe the grin off the filthy slut's face."
"Bill?"
"Yes, If my legislation is passed the sale of these and other disgusting vegetable 'sex toys' will be restricted to married women over 65."
"Won't that rather undermine the Government's initiative to get the public eating more healthily?"
"We're not completely naïve, you know," bristled the Minister. "Pre-packaged, fresh, diced vegetables will be unaffected by the ban. As will tinned carrots and pickled cucumbers. Let's see the filthy sluts try to masturbate with those!"

Consumer watchdog, WhatVeg? were quick to pounce on the new health warnings, claiming that "this is a cynical move to drive up the price of fruit and veg ahead of the Minister's proposed new legislation."
A short, fat bloke carrying a sack of spuds in Covent Garden was bitter about the ban: "Supermarkets have gone bananas. This will only drive these desperate women onto the Black Market. In some parts of London butternut squashes are already changing hands at up to twenty quid each and you can't get your hands on a courgette for love nor money."

Digging up the dirt
In an attempt to get to the bottom of this shocking tide of vegetable abuse, we commissioned a survey by the respected public relations company, Piers, Morgan & Maxwell. Almost three-quarters of the men who responded said they support a ban on vegetables as a way to reduce lesbianism and improve their marital relationships.

"Since my wife turned veggie I'm lucky to get a shag once a month," complained Arthur Scutbucket (48).
"I mean, it's not as if I can stop her buying carrots, is it?"
Some 72% of respondents said bananas, cucumbers and okra— ominously known as 'Lady's Fingers'—should be banned outright, while 65% of men said that courgettes should carry a government health warning. Surprisingly, more than two thirds of those surveyed (64%) said that school pupils should be taught to eat more meat to discourage them from having sex with vegetables. The full results of our groundbreaking survey will be presented to the Department of Health, which leaked details of its proposed new legislation earlier this month.

Larry Lamb, of the anti-vegetable charity MoreMeat, said: "Your poll clearly shows that the public is demanding action to end these sick practices. The veggie-lovers have had it their own way for far too long. It is time decent British women stood up for the right to enjoy a big, meaty sausage at home and in the workplace. This is the single most effective thing the Government can do to slash Accident and Emergency hospital bills and protect our young women from the evils of self-abuse."

"There should be restrictions on the marketing of vegetables to children through television and other media," added a concerned mother, whose sixteen-year-old daughter, Sharon, recently underwent an uncomfortable surgical procedure to remove two leeks and half a cucumber from her furry front bottom.

Peeling aside the seamy underbelly of Vegetable abuse
"How would you like to be shoved up some dark, smelly alley, repeatedly beaten and then casually tossed aside?" complained one aggrieved greengrocer who asked to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals by his vegetable-loving, female customers.
"Veggie sex is a disease just like alcoholism. These people are sick and need help," commented a Mr Ibrahim Bhindi of the Purley Halal Butchers Association.

Our researcher was appalled by what she dug up on the Internet. Not only are there thousands of porn sites depicting the most graphic acts of vegetable abuse, but respectable organisations are shamelessly promoting this unnatural vice. The official website of the UK Vegetarian Association gets straight down to business with the titillating headline: 'Forget the sex therapist—visit the greengrocer'. But there's worse to come.

The site blatantly describes asparagus as 'an erotic shaped vegetable' and goes on to reveal that Avocado was known to the Aztecs as 'ahucatl'—which our researcher discovered means 'testicle'. The innocent carrot is described as 'a particularly effective aphrodisiac' and celery as 'arousing'. The only concession to outraged public decency is a tiny disclaimer at the bottom of the web page which reads: 'The UK Vegetarian Association cannot be held responsible for the activities resulting from the use of these vegetables.'

"This is a bit like British-American Tobacco saying that they won't be held responsible for the activity resulting from lighting up a fag," commented Dr Carrott. "I mean—it's not as if anyone's going to actually eat these vegetables after these filthy sluts have finished with them, are they?"

The UK Vegetarian Association website goes on to reveal that 34% of vegetarians find ultimate satisfaction in the succulent delights of a big, juicy squash and 24% regularly enjoy an extra large courgette with a little sauce on the side. We were equally shocked to find that 20% of women had savoured the delights of 'knobbly' okra and more than 37% regularly took carrots to work with them. Utterpants was horrified to discover that leading celebrities are actively encouraging women to have sex with vegetables—and we don't mean their couch-potato husbands. American Porn Star, Tara Reid, makes no secret of her love affair with the leek while Britney Spears is apparently 'mad for purple-tipped asparagus.'

When we contacted the UK Vegetarian Association for their comments, an angry spokestypeperson told us defensively: "Every woman does it. From teenagers to grandmothers. Our members include mothers with babies, as well as lawyers and accountants, and they're very popular with couples. Remember these are just playthings to the sophisticated, modern woman—like the toys you had as a child, only these are playthings for adults."

"Tell that to the junior doctor who has to go in there and clean up the mess these irresponsible women make," we retorted.
"Women have a complicated sexual response," snapped the spokestypeperson. "It can take a long time for a woman to orgasm. Playing with a knobbly vegetable is a lot more satisfying than a quick poke with a limp pork sausage."

With entrenched attitudes such as these, Utterpants can only applaud Tesco's initiative to root out vegetable sex and commend the Minister for Sexual Health for his timely and responsible action.

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