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By our toy demonstrator,
Miranda S Givings

Not content with lowering the age of consent to 16 for Gays, Great Britain — or 'Easy England' as it is known to the 1,000's of US sex tourists who flock to sleazy London for a dirty weekend — is now prescribing vibrators for women on the National Health Service

British women suffering from sexual problems, a general lack of desire, or who are simply tired of their husband's inability to find their 'G' spot, can now obtain free dildos from their Doctor. One of Britain's most eminent consultants, Dr Del Doe — former professor of sexual dysfunction at John Hopkins Hospital, in Boston — has gone one step further and is referring his patients to a London sex shop for a helping hand in exploring their bodies — or possibly an entire fist. "Almost three quarters of all British women suffer from some sexual dysfunction, and vibrators are an enormous aid for women who want to get to the bottom of their problems," the charming consultant told Utterpants today.

"Don't you think that's their partner's job?" we asked.
"It's their partner's failure to do the job that's half the problem," retorted Dr Doe sharply.
"What's the other half?"
"There isn't one."
"Come again?"
"British men are just too damn small. Most of my patients are lucky if they come at all."

Although three out of four British women now own a vibrator — or shop regularly for courgettes and cucumbers — the use of dildos in British medical circles remains controversial.

"Vibrators are a completely new concept for us," said Dr Marjory Stopes, a spokeswoman for St Sappho's Clinic in Staines. "We're trying to educate English women about the therapeutic uses of these devices, but it's proving an uphill struggle. Their association with sex shops and porn stars like Jordan is a tough nut to crack. They prefer the current medical implements used for dilating vaginas, and are frightened of uncomfortable things that look like a cross between a mobile phone and a toilet brush."

Her staff nurse, Sister Marylyn Curettage, nodded sympathetically, and added: "We've been showing women tiny, squidgy, pink things that do the same job and have introduced them to all the different sizes and shapes these things come in, but so far they've just not taken them up."

Although vibrators started life as a medical tool back in 1883, Dr Stopes says that the majority of her patients had never seen a vibrator until they visited Holland. "I find their lack of knowledge utterly astonishing," she said sadly. 'British women are living in the dark ages."

Since the British Goverment introduced the new scheme last month, US visitor numbers to London have soared by over 3,000 percent.

"It's something I never dreamed of purchasing before — and I've been in England for 17 years," said Jessica Lewinsky, a 32-year-old customer service manager working in a London supermarket. "Now they're freely available from my Doctor, I've got three and have another one on back order."
"Back order?" we asked.
"Yeah," replied the slim brunette shyly, "it's a twelve-inch, hard plastic deluxe vibrator with a jello-lubricated butt plug. My Doctor's having it flown in specially from Walmart, in California!"

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© 2004 utterpants.co.uk

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