Exceptional circumstances—including one 'very serious' attempt to apologise —led Judge Lord Hutton to resist sending the plump politician down. Prescott’s computer contained 1,963 indecent photographs and 69 video clips showing dogs and cats engaged in sexual activities of such depravity that one female investigator suffered a 'violent seizure', which resulted in her sustaining a 'minor groin injury.'

Today one senior London detective described the images as 'disgusting', adding that some of the dogs photographed were under the age of four and still ‘puppies’ whilst others, provisionally identified as Beagles, were depicted smoking after acts of 'a non-consentual nature.'

Prescott denied six charges of producing indecent photographs of poodles between March and July this year, but was convicted by a jury after a secret trial. He was also convicted of possessing indecent pictures of naked Dobermans on skateboards. The ebullient former ship's steward was given a two-hour sentence, suspended for fifty years, and was ordered to register as a sex offender for ten minutes. He will be on full supervision for at least half an hour. During the trial, Prescott claimed he was not interested in indecent pictures of animals but admitted he wanted to look at 'animals in unusual and difficult situations.' Prescott also claimed his photographs were for 'secret government research into the identification, detention and arrest of suspected terrorists.'

John Prescott is no newcomer to controversy; in his thirty-year political career he has killed an immigrant family, murdered the TV presenter Jill Dando, viciously assaulted two American tourists who asked him the way to Big Ben and exposed himself on national television.

Following the Labour Party's horrific election victory in May 1997 he was appointed Deputy Prime Minister and told he could 'do anything he wanted' by top Blair aides.
Sources not at all close to Prescott, but who are violently opposed to anyone owning two jaguars, have described him as a 'low-life scumbag' who is using the vast riches political success have brought him to further his ambition to host his own game show and become Prime Minister.
Mr Prescott’s behaviour in the past few years has been cause for grave concern in Westminster. In 2003 he publicly called for brain implants for kilt wearers, a mass culling of radio disc jockeys and the execution of eighties pop star Joe Dolce. In March this year, Prescott outraged EU officials when he described them as 'fucking idiots'. In fact, so offensive have his outbursts become, that American visitors to the Houses of Parliament have been warned to 'steer clear of a short, fat bloke with a foul mouth who makes rude gestures to passersby' for fear of precipitating a riot.

Tony Blair has stood by one of his staunchest allies, describing him as 'the salt of the earth, who believes in a brighter future where every household will own at least two jaguars—or possibly a Hyundai Lantra and an American SUV.'

Hapless ex-Conservative party leader Michael Howard has also heaped praise on Prescott, commenting: 'this is a man who can look at himself in the mirror every morning and say: "there is a man".

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Story © 2004 Alexander DeVille. Pictures & design © utterpants.co.uk / 200904 /A140106