The row erupted earlier this week when sub lieutenant Christine Mountjoy was granted permission to carry out a Pagan Halloween ritual on board a British warship under laws protecting religious freedom. Christine, an attractive single mother of four from Chigwell, in Essex, has been described by her commanding officer as 'an upstanding member of society' and by Tory MP, Anne Widdecombe, as 'an evil little harlot who has sex with demons'—by which we assume she means Labour party members.

Pert-breasted Christine has been enthusiastically preparing for Halloween—or Samhain, as it is called by the Witches’ coven of which she is the High Priestess —since Monday. Ms Mountjoy styles herself 'The Handmaiden of the Society of the Black Cock'—a shadowy cult led by a mysterious figure known only to his followers by the seminal sobriquet of 'Seaman Staines.'

The Defence Ministry has dismissed accusations by leading Churchmen that Ms Mountjoy is a filthy slut hell bent on getting her perverted jollies from sacrificing chickens and drinking the blood of virgins during Halloween as 'preposterous', pointing out that as senior catering officer, the 28-year-old single mum can 'hardly prepare Coq au Vin without cutting up a few capons.'
"Christine is a thoroughly modern woman who asked to practice her religious beliefs on a Royal Navy ship," a ministry spokestypeperson told Utterpants philosophically. "Her request was treated sympathetically by the ship's commanding officer. I hardly think that letting off steam with a few female ratings in bikinis, a couple of pumpkins and an assortment of large candles between decks, in any way undermines the traditional values of sobriety, sexual abstinence and non-violence for which British seamen are renowned the world over."

But this defence carries little weight with the right-wing moral crusader, Anne Widdecombe, who alleges that the slim, attractive blond:

• Indulged in an eighteen-hour bout of self-abuse with a Halloween pumpkin during which she orgasmed 24 times.
• Regularly discharged her duties dressed only in a 'satanic thong', suspenders and high-heeled shoes.
• Asked a visiting American Senator to whip her bare bottom with a cat o' nine tails.
• Tarred and feathered two seamen and then forced them to lick melted chocolate from her naked breasts.
• Summoned up the ghoulish spectre of Admiral Nelson and forced it to have explosive sex with her while she celebrated Halloween.

Utterpants talked to the naughty naval officer's 56-year-old mother at her neat terraced home in Chigwell and asked her what all the fuss was about.
"Just because someone believes in Satan does not make them a bad person," explained Mrs Mountjoy primly. "Christine doesn't have an evil bone in her body."
"Except when Satan's got his evil bone in her," we replied.
"That's a wicked lie," snapped the plump matron. "Satan is a very kind, sweet and good-natured father who loves his family deeply."
"His 'family' being your daughter's four illegitimate kids?" we asked.
"They're not illegitimate!" retorted Mrs Mountjoy, excitedly. "Satan is their daddy. Hail Satan!"
At this point our interview was unexpectedly cut short when Mrs Mountjoy tore open her dress and thrust her ample bosom in our reporter's face.

Sub lieutenant Christine Mountjoy, who serves on the aptly named Royal Navy destroyer, Babylon, was given permission to celebrate Halloween at sea by her commanding officer, Captain Nick DeVille, who has openly admitted he is 'sympathetic to alternative religions.'
"The Royal Navy is an equal opportunities employer," the dapper, bearded seaman told Utterpants smilingly, as he sipped a glass of red wine in a cabin decorated with lithographs of dancing witches and naked satyrs. "We do not discriminate against specific religious beliefs."
"Even if the believer is a self-confessed Satanist and masturbates with pumpkins?" we asked.
"Most people are Satanists," replied Captain DeVille smoothly. "I don't know about the pumpkins."

"Really?" we replied. "We think the Church might disagree with you."
"Quite possibly, but what the Church preaches in public and it's members practise in private are two very different things."
"What do you mean?"
"According to Ms Mountjoy, the Satanic festival of Halloween represents unbridled self indulgence, intoxication, mindless casual sex, violence, vengeance and deceitfulness."
"On that basis most of the country are celebrating Halloween every day of the year," we replied.
"Apart from Anne Widdecombe," replied the Captain, draining his glass with a smug grin, "Ms Mountjoy invited Anne to kiss Satan's bottom but she declined on the grounds that it might introduce a dangerous precedent into the Tory Party."

"That's probably for the best," we agreed. "She'd have the Devil's own job dislodging the Prime Minister's tongue."

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