There's been widespread speculation amongst Adult webmasters about the impact of the UK's latest amendments to the new Disability Discrimination Act on the Web. One veteran cybernaut called it 'surreal'. Another was more scathing: "What are these wacked-out wankers smoking? They're all barking mad!"

The new legislation being introduced makes it a criminal offence punishable by up to 56 years in Bellmarsh prison, a £500,000 fine, or transportation to the Falkland Islands for Adult websites to deny access to disabled users. Trying to find information about the Act on the Net is proving more difficult than locating a regular verb in the speeches of US President G 'Dubya' Bush. We trawled the world-wide-wait for three days and came up empty handed. Two of the most gung-ho advocates for 'accessible' websites are the Byzantine DRB (Disabled Rights Board) and the shortsighted RNIVC (Royal National Institute for the Visually Challenged).

When we contacted the DRB, a spokesperson told us: "We have no specific information about the specifics of what websites specifically need to do in order to meet the legal requirements specified in the Act."
"We're not 'denying' access to anybody," snapped one anonymous British internet service provider we spoke to. "If the blind want to watch our movie channel, there's nothing to stop them, but I'll be buggered if I'm going to spend millions building a Braille chatroom for blind teenagers to groom vulnerable pensioners for sex."
"The Act as it stands is total bollocks so far as the Web is concerned," commented another, unnamed webmaster. "I thought the UK was supposed to be a democracy? Since when have the rights of a tiny minority been grounds to discriminate against the millions who are not — and have no intention of becoming — disabled?"

"Fucking brilliant!" ejaculated Greg Foulson, the forthright founder of 'Web Watchers Anonymous' - an online organisation dedicated to promoting the rights of webmasters world-wide. "These guys are so far up their own butts you couldn't prize them out with a fucking can opener!" Mr Foulson, 36, a native of Sunnydale, California, was clearly not very happy about the potential impact of the UK's draconian Disability Discrimination Act on the multi-million dollar cyber-porn empire he runs from Britain. He did not mince his words when we interviewed him at his plush office on the 26th floor of the Blair Tower in London's docklands.
"What the fuck do they expect me to do?" he snarled in his abrasive American accent. "Re-code my sites in virtual Braille and invent 3D LCD screens so they rub their grubby fingers over the boobs of my cum-slurping sluts? What planet are you Brits living on? I left the States to get away from all this shit and now you dumb fucks wanna lock me up? Man - you guys are basket cases!"

Other webmasters we spoke to were equally dismissive of the new legislation. "What next?" said one, "online Radio for the Deaf? Street signs in Braille?" Another lashed out at the wave of 'political correctness' sweeping the nation: "Pretty soon only deaf, one-eyed, legless, lesbians will be left in this bloody country. All the rest of us will be imprisoned on some tiny island in the middle of the Atlantic, guarded by American squaddies wielding cattle prods. Is that what you want, eh?"

Have the do-gooders gone too far this time? We put our concerns to Lady Camilla Parker-Gossard, the President of the RNIVC (Royal National Institute for the Visually Challenged). "The Institute acknowledges that service providers may face some special challenges in meeting the legal requirements of the Act," cooed the slim, sophisticated, twenty-seven-year old ex lady-in-waiting to Her Majesty Queen Liz II. "That's why we've extended the deadline for ISP's to the 29 February 2005."

"Don't you think that's a little short to devise a way of transmitting digital images in a format that is accessible to the blind?" we asked.
"Not really," replied the ravishing reformer with a radiant smile. "Those television-thingies can be modified, can't they? Or one could have knobbly mouse-mats and special mice that read the knobbles couldn't one?"
"Are you seriously suggesting that webmasters come up with ways to allow blind people to see naked women with their laughing gear wrapped around nine inches of British beef?"
"Well - I don't know about naked," pouted Lady Camilla with a becoming blush.
"If President Bush can eradicate terrorism and prevent women having abortions, I'm sure our webmasters can overcome the trifling challenges that face them in meeting the requirements of the Act."

"And if they don't?"
"Since the 2nd December 1996 it has been unlawful for service providers to treat disabled people less favourably for a reason related to their disability," retorted the posh bird, primly. "The Act makes it quite clear that service providers have a legal obligation to make ‘reasonable adjustments’ in relation to the physical features of their premises to overcome physical barriers to disabled access."
"Even if it means making the blind to see?" we asked. "Didn't Jesus have some problems in managing that trick?"
"I don't make the law, I only follow it."
"What will happen to service providers who fail to meet the requirements of the law after 29th February 2005?"
"A service provider must comply with the duty to make reasonable adjustments in order to avoid committing an act of unlawful discrimination," repeated the redoubtable reformer.
"And if they don't?" we persisted.
"Fines, prison and transportation!" snapped Lady Camilla.

All the webmasters we spoke to remain unconvinced that there is any technology that would allow them to make images of 'cum-slurping sluts' accessible to the blind. When we tried to speak to the UK's Minister for the Disabled, the aptly name Eileen Over, we were told that she was attending a conference in Texas on Discrimination Against Short Fat Ugly Bitches with Red Hair.

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