utterpants
Church denounces Pagan Christmas Church denounces Pagan Christmas


By our Babe in the Manger, Miranda S Givings
A controversial Christmas Nativity exhibition which opened today at the Church of St Sappho in Spitalfields, London, has raised howls of protest from angry visitors who have condemned it as 'immoral' and 'pagan.'

The cause of their displeasure is a 'contemporary' interpretation of the Nativity that depicts a semi-naked, life-size Jesus wearing a Santa Claus hat, surrounded by an admiring group of Gay fishermen, Tax collectors and Soldiers bearing gifts of computer games, gold bling, iPods and sex toys. The 'Sapphic Solstice' exhibit has so outraged local residents that they've threatened to burn down the church if the authorities do not close the exhibition.

Utterpants chased after one immaculately dressed young mum as she struggled to reach her double-parked Mitsubishi Shogun and asked her what she thought of the exhibition.
"It's a slap in the face for thousands of years of Christian austerity and charity," she shouted angrily. Pausing only to tell a pregnant, homeless waif asking for the price of a cup of tea, to 'sod off', she forced two bulging Harrod's food hampers into the back of her 4x4 already packed to the roof with Christmas presents and ranted on.
"That slut was actually kissing Jesus on the lips! What sort of example does that set my kids? Next thing you know the Church will start ordaining practising homosexuals and single mums. 'Sapphic Solstice?'—It's a commercialised bloody slut fest!"

'Slut Fest,' is precisely what the British press have dubbed the controversial exhibition, which has been roundly condemned by Church leaders as 'undermining the traditional Christmas values of abstinence, sobriety, frugality and quiet, religious observance.' But their complaints cut no ice with the charismatic organiser of the show, the stunningly attractive Rector of St Sappho's, Lucinda Mountjoy. The Rev. Mountjoy (27), a non-practising Wiccan and self-confessed 'girl lover', says she staged 'Sapphic Solstice' to draw the attention of the public to the glaring contradictions between the teachings of Jesus and the materialism and greed of practising Christians.

"I'm sick and tired of people banging on about the Pagan immorality of my exhibit," she told utterpants over a glass of organic grape juice in the Vestry. "What about the immorality and hypocrisy of stuffing your face with battery Turkey and buying mountains of useless crap to appease the greed of your screaming brats at Christmas? Not to mention vomiting on street corners, shagging your neighbour and beating the crap out of each other in arguments over who bought you brown socks this year? And then they have the bloody cheek to stagger into my midnight mass reeking of cooking sherry and cheap scent and accuse me of paganism!"
"What about the expensive gifts your 'shepherds' are presenting to Jesus? Surely that's simply reinforcing the greed and consumerism of Christmas?"
"It's satirical, you prat," said the Rev. Mountjoy. "I'm holding up a mirror to people. If they're too dim to see themselves in it that's hardly my fault."
"What about the central tableau of Mary Magdalene making love to Jesus?"
"He was a fit-looking bloke and she was a hooker. What do you think they did together—exchanged chicken soup recipes?"
"Er…well, when you put it like that."

"Look, Mary Magdalene is almost always mentioned first in the lists of Jesus' disciples. The Bible goes on and on about how much he loved the women. Not a word about the blokes. He had droves of women running after him. They were always touching him and washing his feet. How many blokes do you think there were at his funeral?" added Lucinda abruptly.
"Er...two? Three...one?" we suggested tentatively.
"None!" she exclaimed triumphantly. "Only Mary, Martha and her hot, little sister came. Even his mum stayed away. All I'm doing is showing people the healing power of feminine sexuality. God knows—most Christians could use some. Even unbelievers know Mary Magdalene was a hooker who had a soft spot for Jesus."
"It looked like a very hard spot from where we were standing," we interrupted.
Lucinda giggled. "Yeah, well, there's no point in beating about the bush is there?"

The 'Sapphic Solstice' exhibition which runs until 4th January, has so far attracted 27,000 visitors, many of whom have come several times, in one case, rather noisily behind the grotto after having been over-excited by the sight of two female elves engaged in a very graphic act of 'Expressive Faith.' But not all visitors have reacted so positively to the Rev. Mountjoy's controversial Christmas message, as we discovered when we interviewed several of them outside the packed church.
"I hated it," said Mrs Scuttbucket (47) "I didn't see a single Santa or a Reindeer in the entire exhibition. I mean, what do dead blokes hanging on trees have to do with Christmas? It's disgusting to show little kids stuff like that. Tristan and Sophie were absolutely horrified when they were offered jelly babies with little nails stuck in them. It's not Christian, is it?"

One middle-aged Methodist parent dressed in a Santa Claus outfit, who asked to remain anonymous, was beside himself with anger at the depiction of three Fishermen and a Tax collector engaged in a graphic act of group sex, sodomy and bondage under a Christmas tree.
"It's blasphemous!" he exploded, rolling his eyes as the spittle ran down his bristling, snowy beard. "That filthy slut is blatantly glorifying and promoting buggery as a Christmas attraction at a time when the Church is bending over backwards to evict the slippery tools of Satan from the body Catholic."
"Not having much success, though, is it?" we replied
"Fuck off!" he snapped defensively and hurried off.

We put his complaint to the Rev. Mountjoy.
"Well, it's obvious, isn't it?" she replied laughingly.
"Satire again?” we asked.
"Exactly. The history of the early Church is littered with rival Popes fucking each other over for a bite of the communion wafer. Not to mention the Apostle Peter's hatred and jealousy of Paul and the constant bickering and backstabbing among the other disciples. My little exhibit is rather tame in comparison to the tricks the Church got up to in those days."
"What about nowadays?" we asked.
"You'll have to wait until next year's show."
"Have you decided on a theme?"
"Santa in a coffin being buggered senseless by George Bush dressed as the Pope."
"Ah...Paganism brutally murdered by Right wing, American Christian fundamentalism. Splendid. Does it have a title yet?"
The embattled ecclesiastic giggled. "Slay time for Santa."
"How very appropriate," we commented.

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Hungry for more Festive fun? read how a Mad German tried to ban Santa Claus
and why Santa is coming twice this year

© 2005 Miranda Givings & utterpants.co.uk /161205

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