A chastened Dave Dickson told Utterpants that he'd read about American girls shaving 'down under' on the Internet and thought it would make him more attractive to girls if he shaved off his pubic hair, adding sheepishly: "My girlfriend, Krista, said that if I shaved she might be able to find me donger more easily."

Dave was a little reluctant to reveal the details of his do-it-yourself depilation to our slim, twenty-two-year-old female research assistant, until she reassured him that lots of guys with only one ball still manage to get it up once or twice a year.

"It wasn't easy," he confided. "I tried to cut the worst bits off with me mum's kitchen scissors while balancing me baby sister's makeup mirror between me legs. I ended up stabbing myself in the arse before I realised that everything was upside down in the mirror."
"What happened then?"
"I thought I'd 'ave a go with me Dad's cutthroat razor and was making some headway when the door burst open and Danni — that's me fifteen-year-old kid sister — copped an eyeful of me pubes. The minging little cow threatened to tell me mum I'd been wanking unless I got her off with that new 'Roo she bought with the money she makes cadging fags off old geezers down the pub."
"And did you?" we asked.
"Yeah..." Dave admitted, avoiding our researcher's eye. "Took me bloody ages too. She kept telling me I was rubbing the wrong spot. I mean, how many blokes know what the bloody hell a 'G spot' is?"

"Not many," we admitted. "Is that why she cut your left testicle off?"
"No, I did that when I fell off the dunny."
"And how did that happen?"
"You can't tie that 'Roo down, sport! The little pink, bastard just kept on hopping! Danni came so hard I dropped the bloody dildo on me foot, fell arse over tit off the dunny and ended up with the razor buried in me groin. I was bloody lucky not to lose both balls!"

Dave went on to tell us that he'd been forced to get Danni to dial 000 because there was blood all over the bathroom floor and he was scared he might bleed to death. Surgeons are confident that Dave's remaining testicle should allow him to pursue a normal sex life provided he sticks to sheep and fat, short-sighted women over fifty with red hair.

"What a drongo!" Danni chortled when we spoke to her. "The stupid wanker only 'ad to ask. I would've shown him how to wax. More blokes ought to visit sites like yours instead of wanking off to Aussie Porn stars like Jennifer Hawkins. Then they'd know what to do."
Dave agreed with his sister. "If it wasn't for Danni catching me in the nick of time I might 'ave cut me donger off and then what would I be?"
"Another dickless Australian wanker?" we suggested.

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