Porn blamed for Sperm Donor Shortage
|London—fertility clinics across the UK have warned that they may soon be forced to stop their sperm donation services if British men continue to have unrestricted access to online pornography|
The Westminster Assisted neonatal Clinic (WANC), used to have between 1,750 and 1,900 registered sperm donors, but now only two members make irregular (and increasingly small) deposits. Staff at the clinic have blamed the free availability of American pornography on the Internet for the shortfall in donations, complaining that, as one anonymous nurse put it to Utterpants: "British men just aren't coming as often as they used to."
This grim picture is being repeated all over the country as one fertility
clinic after another closes its doors and packs away its test tubes.
"Supplies have practically dried up," Dr Peregrine Cockburn—the
director of Sperm Watch, the government's
advisory council—sobbed into a petri dish when we interviewed
him at his clinic atop a Gay lap-dancing club in London's Wardour Street.
"Only this morning we had to turn away two tearful lesbians because
we didn't have sufficient stocks. Had it not been for the generosity
of one of my quick-thinking staff who took matters into his own hands
by making a personal donation during his lunch break, we would have
had to turn away even more infertile women."
Under the strict guidelines laid down by the NHS, British donors are only allowed to father ten children. Staff at WANC, which provides help for childless couples throughout southern England, are concerned that once the two remaining donors reach their ten-pregnancy limit, there will be no one to replace them. "I won't beat about the bush," Dr Cockburn told us, wringing his hands. "If we can't find anyone to fill their shoes, pretty soon we'll be reduced to advising young lesbians to have sex with men. Once we do that who knows where it may lead? Why, the very fabric of our decent, caring society could break down irretrievably. It simply doesn't bear thinking about."
"So, what's the alternative?" we asked him.
Most Health Service managers have hailed the news as 'a real shot in
the arm for the ailing British fertility programme'—or possibly
a small prick between the thighs. Junior Health Minister, Lesley Dyke
(32), took time out from inserting pictures of Tony Blair kissing smiling
babies into election leaflets, to explain why. "It was clear to
us that unless we got to grips with this sticky
problem British women wouldn't have a leg to stand on and once that
happened our entire fertility programme would simply fall over."
Some gynaecologists have expressed grave concerns that importing American sperm may introduce undesirable genetic traits into the British gene pool, such as an addiction to Big Macs, reality TV shows, designer coffee and the inability to talk in complete sentences. Others fear that the tidal wave of religious fundamentalism and chastity surging across America could completely sweep away the traditional British values of teenage pregnancy, vandalism, binge drinking, mindless violence and unprotected anal sex.
One sceptical Health professional, whose possession of a framed photograph of Tony Blair being buggered senseless by George W Bush with a giant pretzel, bore eloquent testimony to his rabid anti-American sentiments, thundered: "If we're not jolly careful we could spawn a whole generation of teenage girls who have unprotected sex in bus shelters with droves of men in the mistaken belief that they can't get pregnant if they drink two cans of Red Bull beforehand and eat a microwaveable pizza afterwards."
His bigoted attitude has been echoed by thousands of worried British
women, many of whom have resorted to placing advertisements in local
newspapers and telephone boxes in their desperation to find a sperm
donor. Stacey Gussett (47), was typical of the dozens of would-be mums
we spoke to. "Look, I don't want my daughter piercing her belly
button, wearing a baseball cap and talking in a squeaky, high-pitched
As we went to press the first consignments of American sperm were being delivered to a secret address in central London not a million miles away from 10 Downing Street, from where they will be shipped—or possibly swim—to fertility clinics across the country. We understand that Cherie Blair is taking a keen, personal interest in the 'Sperm for Spunk' programme—possibly, as one disgruntled dyke put it to us: "because she is married to a cunt who is no stranger to taking a load of American jism up his bottom from a clueless, Texan arsehole."
© 2005 Keli McTaggart. Design and construction © 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 250405