The Westminster Assisted neonatal Clinic (WANC), used to have between 1,750 and 1,900 registered sperm donors, but now only two members make irregular (and increasingly small) deposits. Staff at the clinic have blamed the free availability of American pornography on the Internet for the shortfall in donations, complaining that, as one anonymous nurse put it to Utterpants: "British men just aren't coming as often as they used to."

This grim picture is being repeated all over the country as one fertility clinic after another closes its doors and packs away its test tubes. "Supplies have practically dried up," Dr Peregrine Cockburn—the director of Sperm Watch, the government's fertility advisory council—sobbed into a petri dish when we interviewed him at his clinic atop a Gay lap-dancing club in London's Wardour Street. "Only this morning we had to turn away two tearful lesbians because we didn't have sufficient stocks. Had it not been for the generosity of one of my quick-thinking staff who took matters into his own hands by making a personal donation during his lunch break, we would have had to turn away even more infertile women."
"Wasn't that a little unorthodox?" we asked.
"Under normal circumstances I wouldn't countenance a male filing clerk inseminating three desperate women doggie-fashion in the waiting room, but it got the job done," commented Dr Cockburn wryly.

Under the strict guidelines laid down by the NHS, British donors are only allowed to father ten children. Staff at WANC, which provides help for childless couples throughout southern England, are concerned that once the two remaining donors reach their ten-pregnancy limit, there will be no one to replace them. "I won't beat about the bush," Dr Cockburn told us, wringing his hands. "If we can't find anyone to fill their shoes, pretty soon we'll be reduced to advising young lesbians to have sex with men. Once we do that who knows where it may lead? Why, the very fabric of our decent, caring society could break down irretrievably. It simply doesn't bear thinking about."

"So, what's the alternative?" we asked him.
"We've suggested to the government that we start importing sperm from America."
"And what was their response?"
"Oh, they're banking on it as the solution to our sperm shortage, particularly as it won't cost them a penny."
"Why's that?"
"President Bush has assured the Prime Minister that American semen is a fair trade for the British spunk our brave lads have shown in their support of the US liberation of Iraq. In fact, I believe some wags in the Labour Party are unofficially calling it the 'Sperm for Spunk' programme."

Most Health Service managers have hailed the news as 'a real shot in the arm for the ailing British fertility programme'—or possibly a small prick between the thighs. Junior Health Minister, Lesley Dyke (32), took time out from inserting pictures of Tony Blair kissing smiling babies into election leaflets, to explain why. "It was clear to us that unless we got to grips with this sticky problem British women wouldn't have a leg to stand on and once that happened our entire fertility programme would simply fall over."
When we expressed surprise that the government had chosen to import sperm from America, the minister's pretty eyebrows shot up in stunned disbelief.
"Where have you been?" she gushed. "Sex is now practically illegal in most States—except between staunchly Republican, heterosexual couples over thirty who are members of a fundamentalist Christian sect. America is practically drowning in unwanted joy juice. I'm told there are practically millions of healthy young men over there who haven't a chance in hell of getting any and regularly dump gallons of the stuff onto their computer keyboards or into the dirty knickers of British schoolgirls."
"Dirty knickers?" we asked.
"Er, I'm told some British women, um—er, sell their used panties on the Internet," replied the Minister, blushing furiously as she hastily crossed her slim legs.

Some gynaecologists have expressed grave concerns that importing American sperm may introduce undesirable genetic traits into the British gene pool, such as an addiction to Big Macs, reality TV shows, designer coffee and the inability to talk in complete sentences. Others fear that the tidal wave of religious fundamentalism and chastity surging across America could completely sweep away the traditional British values of teenage pregnancy, vandalism, binge drinking, mindless violence and unprotected anal sex.

One sceptical Health professional, whose possession of a framed photograph of Tony Blair being buggered senseless by George W Bush with a giant pretzel, bore eloquent testimony to his rabid anti-American sentiments, thundered: "If we're not jolly careful we could spawn a whole generation of teenage girls who have unprotected sex in bus shelters with droves of men in the mistaken belief that they can't get pregnant if they drink two cans of Red Bull beforehand and eat a microwaveable pizza afterwards."

His bigoted attitude has been echoed by thousands of worried British women, many of whom have resorted to placing advertisements in local newspapers and telephone boxes in their desperation to find a sperm donor. Stacey Gussett (47), was typical of the dozens of would-be mums we spoke to. "Look, I don't want my daughter piercing her belly button, wearing a baseball cap and talking in a squeaky, high-pitched voice, OK?"
Another woman, who has been waiting for a sperm donor for twenty-three years, asked to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals by her American neighbours. "I don't think the government have thought this through properly," said Karen Catchpole, of 47 Cockwell Gardens, Ealing. "I mean it's all very well bringing in sperm from America, but what British woman is going to risk it when there's a 50-50 chance the baby will grow up into a horrid, common slut like Angelina Jolie or Tara Reid?"
"Why only 50-50?" we asked.
"Well—Britney Spears is American, isn't she and look how she's turned out."

As we went to press the first consignments of American sperm were being delivered to a secret address in central London not a million miles away from 10 Downing Street, from where they will be shipped—or possibly swim—to fertility clinics across the country. We understand that Cherie Blair is taking a keen, personal interest in the 'Sperm for Spunk' programme—possibly, as one disgruntled dyke put it to us: "because she is married to a cunt who is no stranger to taking a load of American jism up his bottom from a clueless, Texan arsehole."

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say.

© 2005 Keli McTaggart. Design and construction © 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 250405