utterpants
Cops Get Naked in Texas Cops Get Naked in Texas



By our woman with her fingers in America's dirty laundry, Jenny Corvette

WASHINGTON under a new amendment to the US Homeland Security Act, law enforcement officers will be encouraged to drop their pants to catch and convict suspected hookers

Whilst some misguided, left-wing liberals have condemned the amendment as an infringement of civil liberties, Christian fundamentalists in Texas have welcomed the news with open arms—or possibly open pants—claiming that 'if ya wanna wrastle with Satan ya gotta be prepared to get your hands dirty.'

Dirty hands were the last thing on the mind of one anonymous Texan hooker we spoke to who complained that the 'naked justice bill', as some wags have named it, will simply encourage cops to fabricate evidence against their political enemies. "Frankly, this just sucks," she told us bitterly. "It's means us working gals are gonna have to fuck even more cops just to make ends meet."

But the moral majority sees it differently, claiming that the amendment will allow law enforcement agencies to get to grips with a problem they believe is the root cause of the decline in the traditional American values of monogamy, chastity and non-violence.

"Lookit!" snapped one Republican Senator sporting a 'Jesus saved me from Sin' button, who asked to remain anonymous. "Someone had to do something to shut these dens of iniquitous fornication down. Prostitution is just too damn widespread. It has almost gotten in your face." His chilling words came horribly true for one young rookie from Deep Butte, Texas, which has already implemented the new amendment, despite fierce opposition from the town's three left-wing, Lesbian pro-abortion, atheists.

Deputy Wayne Daniels was clearly shaken by his ordeal when Utterpants interviewed him over a double-whopper at a small diner in this staunchly Christian community. "I got suspicious when I saw this young woman loitering outside the Legion," the twenty-nine-year-old self-confessed virgin told us. "I mean, she wasn't wearing a bra and her skirt barely covered her knees. But it was the filthy top that done it."
"Top?" we asked.
"Yeah...I mean what decent woman would wear somethin' that exposed her bare belly and had the words 'Lick Bush - Beat Dick' written on it?"
"Not many," we agreed.

Undercover vice cop"So I drew my weapon and confronted her."
"You pulled a gun on her?"
"No, I got my pecker out like sheriff Fersticke told us to."
"And then what happened?"
"She hollered fit to bust and tried to resist arrest, so I yanked down her panties and jammed my face in her crotch."
"Why did you do that?"
"Cos my pardner—Carl—already had his dick in her mouth. I figured that if I licked her bush she might confess."
"And did she?"
"No, the cum-slurping slut came right in my face."
"Then you arrested her?"
"Hell no. I wanted to, but Carl said that anyone who sucked cock as badly as she did couldn't possibly be a hooker, so we let her off with a caution. Anyways..."
"Yes?" we asked.
Wayne scratched his crotch and grinned. "Carl spotted these two cute Cheerleaders across the street wearing lipstick and low-riding pants, so we busted them instead."
"And were they hookers?"
"No, but I ain't no virgin no more and neither are they!"

Deep Butte Police Chief, Hank 'six pack' Fersticke, has the full support of his community in allowing law enforcement officers to drop their pants in order to rid the town of vice, but declined to discuss his controversial new policy with us. "I'm not going to comment about the strategies and tactics that my officers use," said the 300 pound, crime-busting moral crusader,

In Dry Gulch, Texas—another small American town determined to crack down on the vicious harpies who prey on innocent husbands—one case has already come to court, but was thrown out when the female judge, thirty-seven-year-old ex-hooker, Deanna Gonzales, dismissed the police evidence as a 'soiled Kleenex of lies and entrapment." When questioned, the State witness for the prosecution, deputy Hank Weinburger, admitted sheepishly "Yes your honor. Those are Ms Whiplash's lipstick marks on my scrotum and willy. And no, your honor, I swear before God, I did not enjoy it one bit."

Democrats have hailed the victory as a 'triumph of liberty over stupidity'. The amendment goes before the Supreme Court next week—or possibly not until President Bush has appointed three, pro-life, anti-Gay, 64-year-old Seventh Day Adventists to the bench.

Comment on this story? Hit the button to have your say Get it off your chest!

© 2005 Jenny Corvette & utterpants.co.uk / 280105 /A240206

Front Page
News Briefs
Totally Britney
Entertainment
Sex
Society
Science
Politics News
World News
What visitors are saying about Utterpants Satire News - no really. We couldn't make this stuff up if we tried, honest.
Satire News
Satire News
Read our Funny stories
Satire News
Ms Givings answers your personal problems
Satire News
Britney Spears Satire News and News Parody
Satire News
Satire News
Porn not found
 
Get Firefox and rediscover the Web