The landmark decision makes sex toy possession a felony punishable by up to five years in prison and/or a $1,000 fine. Once the controversial law passed, Mississippi’s governor, Haley Barbour, authorised dozens of simultaneous sting operations to rid the state of the phallic threat to southern life—a threat second only to terrorism in these dangerous and uncertain times.

At Good Vibrations, an adult store on the East Side of Jackson, several undercover policemen witnessed the sale of not one, not two, but eighteen individual vibrators in less than an hour earlier this week. “Things were really buzzing at the store,” commented storeowner Gale McFarland from behind bars in the Jackson state prison for women. “None of us realised the hot men in trench coats were cops. We thought they were Atlanta metrosexuals in the market for some new butt plugs. When they asked to frisk us, we just assumed they were ordinary perverts,” added the 53-year-old grandmother of four. McFarland and her employees are eligible for parole in 2010.

As stunned Mississippi women picked themselves up off the pelvic floor, 19-year-old Rita Millingham could be heard screaming at police raiding the Pleasure Plaza in the unfortunately named city of Pearl. “You can have my Rabbit Pearl when you rip it from my cold, dead thighs!” She was later arrested and held without bail. Fred Phillips, who was shopping for a new inflatable doll to replace the old one he patched up with duct tape after an unexpected encounter with a hot muffler, witnessed Milligan clenching a 12 inch silicone willy between her thighs, 'as fiercely as a drowning woman would hold a bouy.'

The Mississippi law may be rubbing women up the wrong way but it’s not the first of its kind in America. Georgia, Louisiana, and Texas have similar laws on the books, banning the sale and/or advertisement of sex toys for women. South Carolina, Tennessee and Virginia are all considering joining them. But the new laws do allow a little wiggle room, according to Texas based attorney Jack Offalot.

“Devices are only illegal to own or sell if their primary use is the stimulation of female genitalia. In other words, if your vibrator performs other functions, it’s completely legal or own or sell under all state statutes,” he explained to Utterpants.
“Let me get this straight,” I asked him over coffee at Starbucks. “It’s legal to own, sell and masturbate with ordinary household items, as long as they’re sold for other functions?”
“Correct. Many household tools, for example—”
I was never much on DIY, so I cut him off. “How about vegetables? Cucumbers, pickles?”
“As long as you eat them afterwards.”
“Candles?”
“Tapered candles work the best.”
My mind was whirling with ideas. “A turkey baster?”
“It's the only way my wife gets a good stuffing on Thanksgiving,” he quipped. “Yet another thing to be thankful for. And of course, the electric toothbrush, a staple for any modern woman with a healthy libido.”

Despite the fact that Mississippi residents average the fewest number of teeth in the union, toothbrush sales have always been impressive over the years, which has perplexed out of state marketing executives. Offalot believes the high demand for toothbrushes; particularly battery operated toothbrushes, directly correlates with the state’s anti-sex toy legislation.

For those Mississippians who, rather than brush their teeth, soak them in a glass of water overnight, there are other options. Some clever entrepreneurs have taken advantage of the loose wording of the law by designing undercover vibrators, dildos disguised as normal household items. One such designer, Smith and Wesson, has released the designs for their Colt 69, which will hit the store shelves later this year. Part handgun, part vibrator, the Colt 69 has a retail price of—you guessed it—$69.96, which includes a complimentary round of bullets and batteries.

“The inspiration for the Colt 69 was a woman named Sharon Wood, whose Louisiana residency restrained her from buying a Jessica Rabbit, Doc Johnson Pocket Rocket, or even a Wal-Mart brand neck massager,” a spokestypeperson for Smith and Wesson told Utterpants. “One night, after her husband of 39 years belched his way to sleep after another premature ejaculation, she took matters into her own hands. Grabbing the nearest item as she lay in bed, which just happened to be her old man’s Colt 45 under the pillow, she masturbated herself into such a frenzy that she literally shot her load. Unfortunately she didn‘t survive to see the unveiling of our product, but I like to think that when this baby hits the stores she'll be smiling down at us from Heaven.”

All of which is bad news for the makers of the Swiss Sex Army Knife. The British-designed multi-function sex toy which we reviewed earlier this year, has not sold well in a America—a fate that is unlikely to befall the Colt 69. In a nation where the gun is an enduring symbol of male pride, the Colt 69 is sure to be a winner because it’s a vibrator that men won’t be embarrassed to buy for their wives and girlfriends. Also, it has the endorsement of the NRA, one of the nation’s most powerful lobbies on Capitol Hill. They’re already lobbying Congress to allow the bypass of the customary seven-day waiting period for the weapon/sex toy. “I think it’s very clear to consumers,” added the spokestypeperson, “That when vibrators are outlawed, only outlaws will have vibrators.”

The fate of sex toys in Mississippi was still largely up in the air as we went to press, but one thing is clear; the Colt 69 seems tailor made for a nation of chronic wankers who love their guns but are terrified of a 9 inch vibrating, plastic willy.

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Story © 2006 Jenny Corvette. Picture & Design © 2006 utterpants.co.uk / 270306