Dr Thrush (27½), who made her surprise announcement on NBC's Health of the Nation, shared her findings with Utterpants. "My research has shown that there is a direct correlation between the number of teenage girls buying autographed celebrity thongs on Ebay and the increase in STD's."

"Celebrity Thongs?" we asked bemusedly.
"Where have you been?" gushed Dr Thrush pityingly. "Celebrity thongs are totally happening on Ebay right now. Britney's shorts went for $25,000 and Christina Aguilera's leather thong is up for grabs at $60,000!"
"Astonishing" we replied. "But how does that result in an increase in STD's among teenage girls?"

"The highest rates of chlamydia are among fourteen to sixteen year-old girls. They're the same girls who are snapping up all these autographed undies on Ebay."
"Er — we still don't see the connection, doctor."
"That's because you haven't sat through two hundred hours of teeny poptart video footage."
"You've lost us, doctor."
"The dirty undies were all worn by slutty pop tarts who've caught the clap from sleeping around. American teenage girls are buying themselves a fast-track rollercoaster ride to the pussy doctor."

"Are you suggesting that decent all-American entertainers like Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears — not to mention Beyonce — all have gonorrhoea?"
"What else would make them scratch their crotches all the time?"
"Beats the hell outta us," we replied.

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