The controversial poll, conducted by the respected Sapphos Centre for Sexual studies in Sydney, interviewed approximately 54,742 women between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five and another 5,258 who lied about their age.

The poll has sent sales of vacuum pumps and Viagra through the roof — or possibly the pelvic floor — as Australian men, already reeling from the increased use of 'roos' and other female sex toys by sheilas fed up with drongos who come up short down under, scramble to improve their chances of getting laid.

The problem has got so bad that many Australian men have given up finding a partner altogether and resigned themselves to downloading porn from the Internet or molesting lonely sheep.

Dave Pilchard, (not his real name) is typical of the thousands of Australian men who try to pick up women in bars and cruise the chatrooms of the Internet looking for girls stupid enough to believe that size doesn't matter. "Me donger is too small to get a real woman," sobbed a tearful Dave when we interviewed him over a couple of coldies down his local pub. "So I have to wank over porn from British websites coz they're the only ones that don't ask you how big you are. "Please don't tell me mates or they'll kick me off the paper."

The 'paper' Pilchard is referring to, is a seedy, online Australian Men's magazine which scours the Internet in search of products that will prevent its twenty-seven readers being laughed at every time they drop their daks, so far without success, unless you count Jason Smith, who we understand did manage to score last Christmas with a Thai hooker, but only after he paid her six thousand dollars, after which the 200lb, forty-eight-year-old mother-of six, agreed to sit on his face for five minutes.

"He's a sad bastard, is old Pilchard," confided best mate, Jed Thomas. "The root rat got himself a job as a cleaner at Kylie's Hair and Beauty salon last week so he could cop a naughty with the hairdressers, but even the fat, red-headed dog who makes the coffee told him he hadn't got a dingo in Hell's chance of slipping his little mozzie into her billy."
The 'woman' in question, a thirty-two-year-old, clinically obese, transsexual with a beard, takes up the story: "I should at least have been able to feel some kind of penetration. Either the ruler the wombat's been using has shrunk even more than his trough lolly or he was too busy playing with himself when he should have been learning how many inches there are in a foot. If he's five inches my bloody vibrator is a Saturn V rocket!"

"It's not just the size of their tiny dongers," complained another, anonymous Sheila, "It's their technique."
"Technique?" we asked.
"When I ask for foreplay I expect a bit more than some wanker struggling for five minutes to unzip me strides. And when he does manage to find me clitty he yanks on it like it's a bloody kangaroo's tit. I've 'ad more fun rootin' myself out with a baby carrot."

The Poll discovered that Dave Pilchard's dismal performance in the trouser snake department is all too common among twenty-something Australian men who are addicted to Internet porn.

Kevin, a nineteen-year-old trainee sheep-shearer, is one of a growing number of sad wankers who have driven millions of Aussie Sheilas into the wiggling ears of the latest multi-speed vibrators: “Danni (not her real name either) was the first girl I ever had full sex with and we lost our virginities together. Well, when I say we lost our virginities, I know I did, but she complained she couldn't feel a thing. We tried every position I could think of, well — three anyway, but the closest she got to cumming was when she slipped off the kitchen table and got a stubby stuck up her pussy. But it's OK.." he added with a trembling lip, "Danni lets me watch her and her mate Kylie rooting themselvs out in the shower with their 'roos, so at least I don't have to wank on me own anymore. I mean, it's almost like having real sex, isn't it?"
"Almost," we agreed, handing him a tissue to wipe away his tears.

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