Eyewitnesses report that the slippery Senator was seen to hunch his shoulders and thrust his hand into his pants. Then he was seen to stagger around, vigorously ransacking his diplomatic dignity until what one delegate described as 'an unidentified weapon of mass destruction' and a female supporter as 'nine inches of hugely empurpled man-meat', broke free from the vice-presidential cloth. Moments later, several gouts of a mysterious mucus-like substance are reported to have been shot into the crowd.

"This is nothing but an impulsive act of blatant self-promotion in response to criticism from his opponents that he no longer has the balls to lead America," commented one Democratic delegate. Others were less charitable. "Having one pecker-head in the White House is bad enough, he only talks through his ass; this dumbass waved his pecker in my face!"

When Utterpants contacted the besieged Cheney camp for an explanation of the banana buffing outburst we were told that Mr Cheney 'had not been feeling himself lately'.

But the wily politician is not without his supporters, as we discovered when we spoke to his press secretary and former lap-dancer, Ms Monika Lewankey.
"Dick has had the balls to thrust aside the curtain of convention and expose the real issues that face this great nation," drawled the spokestypeperson. "Politics is just spewing jizz in public. Do we complain? Hell no, we just lap it up like cum-slurping cheerleaders at a ball game."
Ms Lewankey enlarged:
"The moment he turned his head I knew he was gonna do it. Then when he hunched his shoulders I knew he was going to get his dick out. He was always this way and it's a wonder to me that he hasn't exposed himself before now. One time he did it all over my pussy and she was very, very upset."

So was Dick really shaking hands with the Governor —albeit not without giving some pleasure to his female supporters, or is there a more innocent explanation? In an exclusive interview with Utterpants, the popular Republican stoutly denied he had been pounding the vice presidential pork. As the master-debater put it to us:
"I have for many years suffered from the very debilitating effects of Prostodickwitz' Chorea."
Dick went on to explain via our scrambled, satellite bluetooth uplink that Prostodickwitz' Chorea is a very rare, incurable heart condition which causes sudden blood clots to form in the penile artery.
"How rare?" we asked him.
"Extremely rare," was the response.
"How rare would that be exactly?" we persisted.
"Well—er, to my knowledge I'm the only sufferer."
"Is there a cure?"
"No—but a seizure can be arrested by vigorous and timely genital massage."

Then he told us that he had sneezed violently into his hand moments before he began speaking and this had caused a massive testicular aneurysm.
"I tried repeatedly to clear the—ah, blockage, with my right hand," continued the dishonorable diplomat, "with the—um—unfortunate result that the, er — nasal discharge flew across the room and hit a few people in the audience."
"Then you weren't simply sending in the troops?" we asked.
"Certainly not!" ejaculated the Senator defensively.
"I—felt a tightness in my pants. I...I started gasping for air and breathing heavily.."
At this point our satellite uplink momentarily un-uplinked itself. We thought we heard a stifled groan followed by what sounded like a quarter pounder being vigorously tenderised with a very heavy meat cleaver.
"Senator? Are you all right? SENATOR?"
"Oh God..ah, ah, ah, God—ahhh"

It was then that we realised that the vice-president had had another massive testicular seizure. When he came back on the line he assured us that he had responded to the threat with an appropriate amount of force. Dick ended the interview with the piquant observation that:
"Would there really have been all this fuss if it had been Congolese Rice? I somehow doubt it."

Utterpants salutes this brave man struggling with a debilitating disease that has not prevented him from leading the American people to a glorious destiny.

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Story © 2004 Brianna Banks. Construction and picture © 2004 utterpants.co.uk /A140106