Dick Cheney Denies He Has a Dick Problem
|Senator Dick 'the schlong' Cheney may have finally flushed his career down the toilet with an unprecedented outburst at a recent appearance in Raleigh, North Carolina. Nothing quite like it has been seen in the US since Congolese Rice accidentally tucked her skirt into her pants and exposed her political credentials to a stunned American nation|
Eyewitnesses report that the slippery Senator was seen to hunch his shoulders and thrust his hand into his pants. Then he was seen to stagger around, vigorously ransacking his diplomatic dignity until what one delegate described as 'an unidentified weapon of mass destruction' and a female supporter as 'nine inches of hugely empurpled man-meat', broke free from the vice-presidential cloth. Moments later, several gouts of a mysterious mucus-like substance are reported to have been shot into the crowd.
"This is nothing but an impulsive act of blatant self-promotion in response to criticism from his opponents that he no longer has the balls to lead America," commented one Democratic delegate. Others were less charitable. "Having one pecker-head in the White House is bad enough, he only talks through his ass; this dumbass waved his pecker in my face!"
When Utterpants contacted the besieged Cheney camp for an explanation of the banana buffing outburst we were told that Mr Cheney 'had not been feeling himself lately'.
But the wily politician is not without his supporters, as we discovered
when we spoke to his press secretary and former lap-dancer, Ms Monika
was Dick really shaking hands with the Governor —albeit not without
giving some pleasure to his female supporters, or is there a more innocent
explanation? In an exclusive interview with Utterpants, the
popular Republican stoutly denied he had been pounding the vice presidential
pork. As the master-debater put it to us:
Then he told us that he had sneezed violently into his hand moments
before he began speaking and this had caused a massive testicular aneurysm.
It was then that we realised that the vice-president had had another
massive testicular seizure. When he came back on the line he assured
us that he had responded to the threat with an appropriate amount of
force. Dick ended the interview with the piquant observation that:
Utterpants salutes this brave man struggling with a debilitating disease that has not prevented him from leading the American people to a glorious destiny.
Story © 2004 Brianna Banks. Construction and picture © 2004 utterpants.co.uk /A140106