The report was greeted with squeals of delight — or possibly long, drawn out moans, by many British women, who have been complaining for years about men who pay for sex on the streets, but won’t pay for it at home. Among the more radical proposals the British Government is considering is covert electronic surveillance — or 'bedroom nannies' as some critics have called them — which will ensure that the tiny percentage of husbands who still have sex with their wives will have to put their hands in their wallets before they whip out their empurpled members, as well as strict penalties for who those who try to evade their marital responsibilities by cracking one off behind their wives' backs. A leading cleric we didn't speak to, but who is more than likely to dash off a vitriolic email, is expected to condemn the proposals as 'a license to print money off the backs of working men' — or another, fleshier part of their anatomy.

Utterpants put these concerns to the author of the review, Professor Max Wanke, who told us: "This is not about sex. It's about the right of every woman to get a fair days pay for a fair days work — or in the case of most women — five minutes work."
"Five minutes?" we asked.
"I included the foreplay."

Professor Wanke's views were echoed by Pussy O'Toole, co-ordinator of the UK Association of Professional Sex Workers, who commented: "Criminalising prostitutes for charging men for sex when ordinary women are doing the same thing in return for a cheap night out, or a new tumble dryer, is not only unfair to us working girls, it is also depriving millions of women of a steady income from working at home."

Approximately 6,264,957 women in Britain have regular sex, but less than 0.005% of them are getting paid for it, according to official estimates. Only a fraction even get a steak supper or a box of milk tray for submitting to the monthy ritual of rumpy-pumpy, but they often fail to complain to the police because they fear their partners will simply go back to wanking over downloaded pictures of US porn stars like Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears.

"This is a national scandal," a British Treasury spokestypeperson told us indignantly. "We estimate that this country is losing up to £900 million a day in failing to tax sexual relations between consenting adults, not to mention the huge expenditure of police resources and public money in arresting Ukrainian prostitutes who don't even pay any bloody income tax! Taxing the provision of sexual services by women would more than treble our GDP, which means we could stick two fingers up to the European Union and still have enough left over to send more troops to Iraq."

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