Moral Americans say no to British filth Moral Americans say no to British filth


by our woman who knows the benefits of a hot shower,
Miranda S Givings

The critically acclaimed British women's stage production; Pussy Talk has been banned from the US City of Beavercreek, Ohio. The show, which has been a controversial sell-out around the world, explores female sexuality through individual women telling their stories in intimate, personal conversations

The current version of the production, staged earlier this week in New York, stars the controversial Kabbalah fan and former lap dancer, Madonna. The stunning forty-something sex-goddess, no stranger to talking through her pussy, was scathing in her condemnation of her yellow-bellied compatriots: "These Ohioans are so far up their own asses the only thing that would prise them out would be the second coming. Trouble is the poor bastards haven't had a first coming yet."

Beavercreek Mayor, Bruce K Willy, refused permission to stage Pussy Talk after finding certain portions of the show 'objectionable' and warning that the sight of 'nekkid flesh' could pose a threat to Homeland Security. His Chief of Police, Larry Wood, expressed his concerns rather more bluntly when he told Utterpants that: "As soon as I saw these sluts we're gonna git their boobies out I knew I'd have my hands full if the show was staged here."
When we politely pointed out that showing mothers how to breastfeed their babies was hardly likely to corrupt and deprave, Mr Wood snapped back: "Lookit, I aint having my little girl exposed to these degenerates! It's bad enough she has to see the babysitter in her panties and bra when I'm showing her how to clean the shower, without having this British filth shoved down her throat!"

It seems it's hard for moral Americans to fathom Europe, a country that allows young girls to have sex at sixteen and young men to smoke afterwards.

The show has already faced bans in other parts of America, including liberal Kansas and Louisiana, where several performers were jailed for wearing low-slung pants that exposed their belly-button rings. American actress Janet Fondle, who is the driving force behind the controversial More Bush less Dick feminist pressure group, told Utterpants about the problems of showing Pussy Talk in her native country. "It is very difficult for women to even mention pussies in this country, let alone convince them they won't burn in hell for playing with them."

Discussion of the show even sidelined the presidential election in the Ohio State Legislature. "Many thought that the play was promoting pornography, and everyone knows that President Bush has virtually eliminated such filth from our country. We don't want a bunch of dirty British sluts giving our boys and girls ideas," thundered Mayor Willy. "That's not the American way."

The play might have hit an obstacle in upright Ohio, but is likely to roll on famously to other cities in the US if the audience reaction to its performance in the enlightened city of New York, is any indication. The new production with Madonna has been providing American audiences with an unforgettable evening of oral stimulation, the merits of clitoral and labial piercings and the health benefits of exploring the thickly-forested Mount of Venus.

Staged in a plush former brothel once patronised by John F Kennedy, it has got to grips with the seamier underbelly of the problems modern women face in their struggle against ignorance, male abuse and a shortage of designer thongs.

The troupe touring the US includes the English performance artist, Tracy Emin, winner of the UK's prestigious Turner Prize for her acclaimed exhibit My Bed which has stunned American men with its frank portrayal of jism-stained sheets, rumpled pillows, pantyhose and sanitary towels artistically juxtaposed with an assortment of items ranging from empty vodka bottles to soiled panties, cigarette packs and used condoms. "Pussy Talk expresses the quintessential sluttishness of modern women we are trying to bring to our American sisters," commented the common English tart as she flicked the ash from her strange smelling cigarette into a can of diet-Pepsi.

Mary Cheney, daughter of US Vice President, Dick Cheney, who saw Tracy perform in Pussy Talk in New York, said the show had changed her life. "I was a feminist," she told Utterpants excitedly. "Well I thought I was so totally a feminist. What I discovered was that I was a cerebral feminist and watching Pussy Talk brought my feminism from my head into my, um body, in a big way. That play had a really big effect on my life."

One of the few men in the audience, who asked to remain anonymous, but insisted we call him 'Dick', danced to the songs in the production and said more men should watch the play. "I am glad women are coming out to speak about their bodies. I hope other men would think what I thought while watching the play — women are not merely sex objects," he said, crumpling up a damp Kleenex in his trembling hand.

The British promoters of Pussy Talk are said to be delighted with the response to the tour so far. "We've had full houses and standing ovations. The play has touched a chord in everyone's heart," gushed the attractive thirty-something press agent, Lola Sapphos.

The production will now move to liberal Texas.

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say Get it off your chest!

© 2004 utterpants.co.uk / 241004

Front Page
News Briefs
Totally Britney
Politics News
World News
What visitors are saying about Utterpants Satire News - no really. We couldn't make this stuff up if we tried, honest.
Satire News
Satire News
Read our Funny stories
Satire News
Ms Givings answers your personal problems
Satire News
Britney Spears Satire News and News Parody
Satire News
Satire News
Porn not found
Get Firefox and rediscover the Web