scourge sweeps Britain!
An epidemic of buggery is sweeping this country. According to the latest statistics, more than 69% of women admit to having gained their 'brown wings', and three of out ten say they accept regular deliveries via the tradesman's entrance. Gaining your 'brown wings' is now seen as more important to fashionable young women than losing their 'cherries'. But taking a stroll down 'Bourneville Boulevard' is no longer the preserve of the young and dissolute. 'Fudge Packing', it seems, has come out of the closet and entered the bedroom to become the sexual equivalent of designer chocolate; if you're not regularly potting the brown you're snookered. Why are so many British women bending over backwards to take it up the bum?
According to Dr Marit Sigmundsdottir, the world-famous Icelandic trisexual therapist, the answer is simple: "Pussy envy. Most men have willies the size of a cocktail sausage and cannot get any satisfaction from using the front door. The position for women is quite different. We do not need to be bowled from the pavilion end to get our rocks off."
Dr Sigmundsdottir made her position very clear when she spoke at 'Erotizone 2004' — the 69th World Congress on trisexual therapeutics, held at the exclusive Chinghis Khaan Hotel, in Ulan Bator last week: "If Nature had intended women to accept deliveries via the tradesman's entrance she would have given it a wider door and oiled the hinges. If we do not nip this disgusting practice in the bud, we can expect an epidemic of disease to sweep this country that will make vaginal thrush seem like nappy rash."
Recent medical evidence suggests that she may very well be right. British GP's are seeing an unprecedented upsurge in the number of women complaining of yeast infections, chronic constipation, 'chocolate tummy', piles, 'ring sting' and flatulence. One anonymous Doctor told us that the problem has got so bad that many of her patients are afraid to speak out for fear of being branded "chocolate virgins". She went on to say that: "Your Readers should not be in any doubt at the pressure predatory men are putting upon women to stretch to fudge packing."
Gloria Von Hinterntür, a leading US feminist, put it even more strongly: "As usual, it is men who are at the bottom of this evil plot to undermine the very foundation of our femininity. Not content with buggering each other, they now want to dock their loathsome schooners in our windward passages! It's all very well for them — after all, the Good Lord did not bless them with their full compliment of orifices — so they have to make the best of a bad job; but we women have an inner sanctum specially designed to admit the votary of Venus. The back door is dirty, cramped and smelly, and designed for putting out the trash — not taking it in."
Other sources we consulted painted a grim picture of a country in the
grip of an unstoppable tide of 'chocolate speedway riding.'
Sharon, a forty-three-year old mother of five from Chipping Sodbury, was sanguine about her first trip down Chocolate alley: "Gerald gave me a simple choice; either I took it up the bum like a man, as he put it, or he would walk out on me and the kids. The pain wasn't the worst part; it was when he insisted I give him head afterwards. But what can I do? He's my husband and I love him!"
Mandy, twenty-nine, from Bowling Hollow, Essex, was bitter about her experience of uphill gardening: "I started regular fudge packing five years ago. Now I have to wear a butt plug all the time to stop myself leaking. I'm so stretched I have terrible gas. What with the thrush and the piles I hardly go out anymore and the doctor says I'll have to wear plastic knickers for the rest of my life. Gaining my chocolate wings has ruined my life completely."
In contrast, two teenage 'Chavs' whom we interviewed behind a bus shelter on an anonymous sink estate in Leicester, were only too eager to drop their designer thongs and show us their brown wings. Pausing only to 'blag' a fag from a passing 'rude boi' in exchange for oral sex, fifteen-year-old Porsha, chortled excitedly: "I fuckin' love it large up me bum don' I Jade?"
Sigmundsdottir told us these experiences are typical of the hundreds
of women who have wrecked their health by surfing the marmite highway.
Chilling words indeed, but is anyone listening? Utterpants
were shocked to discover that neither the BMA nor the NHS has a word
to say about this evil scourge on their websites. The Chief Medical
Officer for the UK, Dr Henrietta Campbell was unavailable for comment
when we rang her office. A spokesperson for the NHS would only say:
"The British Government takes the view that a woman's bottom is
her own, private property. There are no procedures that would allow
us to look into this problem without invading the privacy of our citizens."
The only member of the Church of England who would speak to us on this
hidden menace was the outspoken Bishop of Bagshot, the Rt Rev Richard
'Dicky' Legge, who thundered:
But what does the Adult industry have to say about this? We contacted
Bruce Z Arcschwieper — the CEO of Anal Destruction Inc, for his
views. The notorious pornographer told us: "It's a bum rap, man.
I've pounded more ass than any guy alive and I can tell you that once
a broad has taken a load in the chocolate chimney her pussy is history.
The cum-drinking, ass-gaping sluts can't get enough of it."
"Hell no," laughed the pornographer, "If they cry for
more'n five minutes we give 'em a Mayo sandwich to suck on!"
We asked Dr Sigmundsdottir why women allow themselves to be abused in this way. "It's the lure of forbidden fruit, which appeals to the animal in men, and women tolerate it because they don't want to lose their partners. Frankly, I can do without the pain and humiliation of having some hairy-arsed moron stuffing their truncheon into my back passage, but then I'm not a masochist with a brain the size of a weasel's wedding tackle."
So where does Utterpants
stand on this vexed issue?
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© 2004 utterpants.co.uk /100304 Updated May 2006