An epidemic of buggery is sweeping this country. According to the latest statistics, more than 69% of women admit to having gained their 'brown wings', and three of out ten say they accept regular deliveries via the tradesman's entrance. Gaining your 'brown wings' is now seen as more important to fashionable young women than losing their 'cherries'. But taking a stroll down 'Bourneville Boulevard' is no longer the preserve of the young and dissolute. 'Fudge Packing', it seems, has come out of the closet and entered the bedroom to become the sexual equivalent of designer chocolate; if you're not regularly potting the brown you're snookered. Why are so many British women bending over backwards to take it up the bum?

According to Dr Marit Sigmundsdottir, the world-famous Icelandic trisexual therapist, the answer is simple: "Pussy envy. Most men have willies the size of a cocktail sausage and cannot get any satisfaction from using the front door. The position for women is quite different. We do not need to be bowled from the pavilion end to get our rocks off."

Dr Sigmundsdottir made her position very clear when she spoke at 'Erotizone 2004' — the 69th World Congress on trisexual therapeutics, held at the exclusive Chinghis Khaan Hotel, in Ulan Bator last week: "If Nature had intended women to accept deliveries via the tradesman's entrance she would have given it a wider door and oiled the hinges. If we do not nip this disgusting practice in the bud, we can expect an epidemic of disease to sweep this country that will make vaginal thrush seem like nappy rash."

Recent medical evidence suggests that she may very well be right. British GP's are seeing an unprecedented upsurge in the number of women complaining of yeast infections, chronic constipation, 'chocolate tummy', piles, 'ring sting' and flatulence. One anonymous Doctor told us that the problem has got so bad that many of her patients are afraid to speak out for fear of being branded "chocolate virgins". She went on to say that: "Your Readers should not be in any doubt at the pressure predatory men are putting upon women to stretch to fudge packing."

Gloria Von Hinterntür, a leading US feminist, put it even more strongly: "As usual, it is men who are at the bottom of this evil plot to undermine the very foundation of our femininity. Not content with buggering each other, they now want to dock their loathsome schooners in our windward passages! It's all very well for them — after all, the Good Lord did not bless them with their full compliment of orifices — so they have to make the best of a bad job; but we women have an inner sanctum specially designed to admit the votary of Venus. The back door is dirty, cramped and smelly, and designed for putting out the trash — not taking it in."

Other sources we consulted painted a grim picture of a country in the grip of an unstoppable tide of 'chocolate speedway riding.'
"Everyone's doing it," said Katie, a nineteen-year-old secretary from Romford. "If you haven't got your brown wings you're, like, so yesterday, know what I mean? 'Kay, it hurt a bit the first time my b/f did it and I always cry a lot afterwards; but hey, that's a small price to pay for his love, right?"

Sharon, a forty-three-year old mother of five from Chipping Sodbury, was sanguine about her first trip down Chocolate alley: "Gerald gave me a simple choice; either I took it up the bum like a man, as he put it, or he would walk out on me and the kids. The pain wasn't the worst part; it was when he insisted I give him head afterwards. But what can I do? He's my husband and I love him!"

Mandy, twenty-nine, from Bowling Hollow, Essex, was bitter about her experience of uphill gardening: "I started regular fudge packing five years ago. Now I have to wear a butt plug all the time to stop myself leaking. I'm so stretched I have terrible gas. What with the thrush and the piles I hardly go out anymore and the doctor says I'll have to wear plastic knickers for the rest of my life. Gaining my chocolate wings has ruined my life completely."

In contrast, two teenage 'Chavs' whom we interviewed behind a bus shelter on an anonymous sink estate in Leicester, were only too eager to drop their designer thongs and show us their brown wings. Pausing only to 'blag' a fag from a passing 'rude boi' in exchange for oral sex, fifteen-year-old Porsha, chortled excitedly: "I fuckin' love it large up me bum don' I Jade?"
"Yeah," agreed her friend, taking another swig from the bottle of white lightning cider cluctched in her bling covered hand. "Anal's well safe, innit."
"Because you can't get pregnant, you mean?" we asked.
"Nah," said Porsha. "Coz I'm so fuckin' loose I can't feel a fing no more."
"Why's that?"
"Me littluns must've stretched me aht."
"Pardon?"
"Wayne and Darren—me littluns," repeated Porsha, proudly wheeling a buggy into view. "An' annuver on da way, innit."
"Perhaps if you used condoms..." we suggested.
"Y'wot?" asked Porsha. "an' lose aht on me benefits."

Dr Sigmundsdottir told us these experiences are typical of the hundreds of women who have wrecked their health by surfing the marmite highway.
The UK Association for Young Mothers is convinced that the male-dominated Porn industry is behind the epidemic that is sweeping the bedrooms and alleyways of this country. "Make no mistake," said Dr Sigmundsdottir, "chocolate speedway riding is the single biggest threat facing women today. If we do not shut the door on this disgusting practice, we are leaving ourselves wide open to a whole range of diseases. Cadbury alley was never intended for fudge packing. The muscles of the chocolate starfish have to be forced open to admit the marmite driller. If the brute then discharges his cannon into your bomb bay, his love juice will attack the delicate lining. The result is ring sting, chronic flatulence and leakage. What's worse, legions of filthy bacteria and viruses will hitch a ride on his odious tool, and invade your body. Women who invite the chocolate chimney sweep into the tradesman's entrance will quickly find themselves at the bottom of a slippery slope that leads to disease, infertility and an early grave."

Chilling words indeed, but is anyone listening? Utterpants were shocked to discover that neither the BMA nor the NHS has a word to say about this evil scourge on their websites. The Chief Medical Officer for the UK, Dr Henrietta Campbell was unavailable for comment when we rang her office. A spokesperson for the NHS would only say: "The British Government takes the view that a woman's bottom is her own, private property. There are no procedures that would allow us to look into this problem without invading the privacy of our citizens."
When we pointed out the shocking facts uncovered by Dr Sigmundsdottir and Dr Bourneville, we were politely told that the NHS could not comment on such anecdotal evidence. So it seems that British women can expect no help from their Government, though that same Government is quite happy to subject their kids to random drug testing in schools!

The only member of the Church of England who would speak to us on this hidden menace was the outspoken Bishop of Bagshot, the Rt Rev Richard 'Dicky' Legge, who thundered:
"These devil-worshipping bum bandits are hell-bent on destroying the institute of marriage and reducing women to mere sex toys! Toasting their vile muffins in each other's dutch ovens is one thing, but forcing decent, British women into sodomy, is quite another. If our young women do not turn their backs on these slippery tools of Satan, this country will sink into an abyss of depravity where fellatio, cunnilingus, and all manner of unspeakable vices are given free reign."

But what does the Adult industry have to say about this? We contacted Bruce Z Arcschwieper — the CEO of Anal Destruction Inc, for his views. The notorious pornographer told us: "It's a bum rap, man. I've pounded more ass than any guy alive and I can tell you that once a broad has taken a load in the chocolate chimney her pussy is history. The cum-drinking, ass-gaping sluts can't get enough of it."
"But what about the health risks?" we asked him.
"Feminist hogwash," he retorted.
"Surely it's painful?" we asked.
"Hell no," retorted the porn baron, "It's easier than slippin' your foot into a well-oiled sea boot."
"We meant for the woman."
"Oh yeah, sure it's painful. Some broads scream their heads off while you're pounding their ass, but that's like, you know — a turn-on, right? Anyways, giving birth aint no picnic, but that doesn't seem to stop the sluts from having kids, does it? The way I see it we're doing the dumb broads a favour by creaming their butts."
"Doesn't it bother you that you're hurting these women?"

"Hell no," laughed the pornographer, "If they cry for more'n five minutes we give 'em a Mayo sandwich to suck on!"
Finally, we asked Bruce what he thought of Dr Sigmundsdottir's accusations that his industry was deliberately undermining feminine sexuality and family values.
"Diddly squat," he replied. "It'll take a lot more than that dumbass, snatch-eating, Icelandic dyke to stop us guys having our fun. If she doesn't keep her mouth shut I'll personally fill it with twelve inches of man meat."
When Ms Givings politely pointed out that Dr Sigmundsdottir is a vegetarian, the 300-pound American pornographer threatened to 'destroy her ass' instead.

We asked Dr Sigmundsdottir why women allow themselves to be abused in this way. "It's the lure of forbidden fruit, which appeals to the animal in men, and women tolerate it because they don't want to lose their partners. Frankly, I can do without the pain and humiliation of having some hairy-arsed moron stuffing their truncheon into my back passage, but then I'm not a masochist with a brain the size of a weasel's wedding tackle."

So where does Utterpants stand on this vexed issue?
Have I gained my 'brown wings?"
Not bloody likely! I am a gentlewoman and gentlewomen do not accept deliveries via the tradesman's entrance. I urge all my female readers to resist this evil and insidious practice, and join me in saying: "My back door is designed for putting out the trash - not taking it in!" Unless you're a teenage Chav. In which case taking it 'large' up Cadbury alley may be the only way to get your rocks off.

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© 2004 utterpants.co.uk /100304 Updated May 2006