utterpants
Mum plans to reduce Male Virility Mum plans to reduce Male Virility



By our man at the cutting edge,
Mahoney Springwater

At a packed press conference held today in Birmingham, Charlene Bennett, rocked the world of Science when she announced a new method to reduce male virility

The thirty-eight-year-old mother of two, who proudly boasted she had not 'touched a thingy' in nine years, told the shocked audience that she plans to reduce her husband's virility by employing 'de-willyfication'—a process she hopes to trademark, copyright and patent. The full process, which she described in painful detail with the aid of PowerPoint slides that left nothing to the imagination, involves the removal of her (or any wife's) husband's penis with a short length of cheese wire.

"For a long time now," Mrs Bennett told Utterpants, "I have engaged in thoughts of de-willyfication...and I believe that it is every wife's right to employ this 'operation' whenever she feels fit. Ideally, I'd like to get a solid product to the market by the end of the year. I'm hoping that my 'de-willyfier' will be small enough to slip into a handbag and get the job done before the man even notices."
"How will you manage that?" we asked.
"With the built-in Pepper Spray, of course! Then it's pretty much just a case of getting the right television marketing, perhaps alongside popular products like 'Pussy Teeth' and the 'Nut Nipper."

When we asked her why she had made up the term 'de-willyfication', Mrs Bennett replied: "Mostly it's so I don't have to use the word 'penis', but I also like to think it gives me a sense of power, like a scientist or something. I toyed with the idea of calling it 'di-hyrodoxy-coxyripoffski', but it didn't have quite the same ring to it. Come to that, nor will my husband's willy once I've found some cheese wire," she chortled.
"This wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that your husband is having an affair with your neighbour's sixteen-year-old daughter and regularly visits a 'Ms Whiplash' at the local Thai Massage parlour, would it?" we asked.
"Certainly not!" shouted Mrs Bennett as she slammed the door in our reporter's face.

Mrs Bennett's thirty-two-year-old husband, Dave, was unavailable for comment when we called the following day, but we did hear muffled screams as two police cars and an ambulance pulled up outside and a bloke in a white lab coat pushed past us rapidly threading a length of cotton through a needle.

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say. Get it off your chest!

Story © 2005 Mahoney Springwater. Picture & construction © 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 280705
Front Page
News Briefs
Totally Britney
Entertainment
Sex
Society
Science
Politics News
World News
What visitors are saying about Utterpants Satire News - no really. We couldn't make this stuff up if we tried, honest.
Satire News
Satire News
Read our Funny stories
Satire News
Ms Givings answers your personal problems
Satire News
Satire News
Get Firefox and rediscover the Web