Mum plans to reduce Male Virility
By our man at the cutting edge,
|At a packed press conference held today in Birmingham, Charlene Bennett, rocked the world of Science when she announced a new method to reduce male virility|
The thirty-eight-year-old mother of two, who proudly boasted she had not 'touched a thingy' in nine years, told the shocked audience that she plans to reduce her husband's virility by employing 'de-willyfication'—a process she hopes to trademark, copyright and patent. The full process, which she described in painful detail with the aid of PowerPoint slides that left nothing to the imagination, involves the removal of her (or any wife's) husband's penis with a short length of cheese wire.
"For a long time now," Mrs Bennett told Utterpants,
"I have engaged in thoughts of de-willyfication...and
I believe that it is every wife's right to employ this 'operation' whenever
she feels fit. Ideally, I'd like to get a solid product to the market
by the end of the year. I'm hoping that my 'de-willyfier' will be small
enough to slip into a handbag and get the job done before the man even
When we asked her why she had made up the term 'de-willyfication',
Mrs Bennett replied: "Mostly it's so I don't have to use the
word 'penis', but I also like to think it gives me a sense of power,
like a scientist or something. I toyed with the idea of calling it 'di-hyrodoxy-coxyripoffski',
but it didn't have quite the same ring to it. Come to that, nor will
my husband's willy once I've found some cheese wire," she chortled.
Mrs Bennett's thirty-two-year-old husband, Dave, was unavailable for comment when we called the following day, but we did hear muffled screams as two police cars and an ambulance pulled up outside and a bloke in a white lab coat pushed past us rapidly threading a length of cotton through a needle.
Story © 2005 Mahoney Springwater. Picture & construction © 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 280705